Author Archives: cchua

I’m selling myself like I am a bottle of milk
I’m milking myself like I’m a cash cow
Forced to self-farm when its owner lost interest
All milk looks the same so I’ve got to think about labelling
Super dupe milk yeah it’s you beaut
It’s got a pretty blue picture of a little girl crying

Don’t cry over skim milk
I spilt a glass of myself
All over the keyboard
And now the I is stuck
IIIIIIIIIIII

I’m shelling myself like I am a hermit crab
I’m painting the shell and selling it to the girl
Who sells the shells on the seashore black market
Now I’m a slug all dry and encrusted with sand
Shelter I seek inside a coke can
Now I’m being paid for unique branded content

Don’t cry over skim milk
The milk of human cowness
Is all over the keyboard
Now the M and the O are stuck
MOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOMMMMMM

I’m selling myself like I am a used car salesman
More hits than Elvis there’s miles on the Speedo
I’m wearing Speedos oh God someone help me
Interview Miss Universe anxiety dream
I tell all the girls how I’d change the world
Ya de ya hand jobs please buy my album!

Don’t lie over middle class guilt
I write in the third person
And second guess the first one
And write till there’s no one left

I’m not one to make a statement
I’m anything but blatant
Of life I am but a quiet member
But I’ll never forget that day
When out in the open it all came
Had to be that one day in September

We’d lost our footy final
So on the school bus we all piled
Broken battered bloodied and bemused
The only consolation
From the complete ego deflation
Would be a hot pie from the shop we couldn’t lose

Danno got a four and twenty
And Tommo he bought plenty
And Simmo even got a sausage roll
But despite the rejection
I risked with my selection
I couldn’t help but feel like something cold

I bought a Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
Cos this time it felt like the right time
A Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
And they give me such a hard time for what I done
I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs

The shopkeeper looked shifty
As I handed him a dollar fifty
And all around me time seemed to freeze
It was like a western movie
With the villain and his groupies
Death starin’ my iced confectionary
‘What do ya think you’re doin?’
It was Tommo he was spewin’
Dirt flying off his footy spurs
‘Is there something you’re not saying?
What’s this game you’re playin’
You can’t have that for lunch
It’s absurd!’

I bought a Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
Cos this time it felt like the right time
A Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
And they give me such a hard time for what I done
I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs

Everybody got back on the bus
And everyone was in a real huff
My best mate Wade wouldn’t sit next to me
Tommo was the leader
He kept callin’ me ‘ice cream eater’
I chose to take that literally

There was only so much I could take
Tommo’s voice was givin’ me an ice cream headache
I didn’t know whether to scream or spew
The only way to stop it
was to point out that stain in tommo’s pocket
It was a half melted ice cream that we all knew

He’d bought a Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
Cos this time it felt like the right time
A Gaytime
A Golden Gaytime!
And they give me such a hard time for what I done
I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs
No longer will I settle for a Billabong
I’m so proud to sing my Gaytime eatin’ song

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My Nan really likes Radiohead
But my Pop thinks it’s all a lotta noise
My Nan’s favourite album is Kid A hey

She likes to put it on while she does the housework
She appreciates the fact that they weren’t afraid to experiment
But my Pop my Pop thinks it’s all a lot of noise

Well my Pop prefers a bit of progressive house
Paul Mac and Kinobe are his faves
He says it gets him pumped him up before his game of bowls
But Nan reckons he only likes it because he’s deaf

Well we tried to book Radiohead for Nan’s eightieth birthday
But their manager said they weren’t coming to Australia this year
So instead we hired the RSL brass band
And they did a rather lovely version of The National Anthem

Well my Nan really likes Radiohead
She thinks Thom Yorke is a lovely boy
But she can’t understand why he’s always so glum
She says he needs to pull his socks up
And eat more fish

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Hit the snooze button on life
Take five minutes out from the strife
This is Justin Heazlewood
Living on the edge…of my bed

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I said I wanted to be a fireman when I finally grew
Well I’ve blown out the candles on my cake
Now my dreams come true
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry now I’m twenty two
I think I need two little ducks to tell me what to do

I thought I had it sorted in my teenage years
I’d get a cadetship at a newspaper
Live at home without any fear
And then I went to uni
Shed blood sweat and tears
Got myself a writin’ degree
And now I’m pulling beers

Think I’m having a quarter life crisis
Trying to decide which choice is nicest
Think I’m having a quarter life crisis
Trying to decide which choice is nicest

I wish Glen Ridge would tell me ‘who am I?’
I quiz myself everyday but cannot win a prize
Thoughts turn into essays which I constantly analyse
The wisest man in the world knows that he’s not wise

I feel like the home viewer spinning round and round
No money behind me only saucepans can be found
I think my buzzers broken it makes no bloody sound
No wonder I’ve been stuck on twenty the whole round

Think I’m having a quarter life crisis
Trying to decide which choice is nicest
Left too long to my own devices
Can’t afford life’s high prices
Think I’m having a quarter life crisis

Please don’t ask me what I want to do
The question makes me feel like p**
Let’s just call it self employed work experience
On the job gaining life experience

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George bush was the school bully
He wasn’t that tough but he knew all the big kids
They beat you up for your lunch money
And use the money to buy more weaponry
Building up his slingshot armery
Then he’d sell them back to the other kids
He wondered why he got hit in the head with a gumnut
He wondered why he got hit in the head with a gumnut

This would make him very angry
He would initiate a game of gang ups
If you’re not with us then you must be against us
The other players all agreed
Cos George Bush was the school bully

When the kids would all complain
In the staff lounge the teachers would remain
While they were all united
They simply said do you know who his dad is?
Oh yeah cos

George bush was the school bully
Beating up kids just because they looked shifty
He said you can never be to careful
He wasn’t trying to look cool
He just wants to protect the school
He just wants to protect the school
George Bush was the school bully

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So the world’s gone to poo
So whatcha gonna do?
You gonna live in a bunker
Eatin’ cans of tuna chunks?
Waitin’ for the news on the radio
They’ve blown up your patio!
Yeah now it’s personal joe

Are you a slave to the newspaper
Tabloid bluesmaker
Makes you feel like crying
Like a Fred Basset punchline
I don’t want to live in fear
I just want a quiet beer
Terrorist schmerrorist
I don’t see any here
I’ve been waiting my whole life to be this age
To see this day
Hey Hey It’s Today!
1990’s was time for the guru
It’s the year zeroes and it’s time for me and you

Mum used to say ‘tidy your room
Or it’ll be world war three
It looks like a bombs gone off in there’
Well now the joke’s on me

I’m having a bad hair day
But this could be D-day
So my life’s a bit irrelevant
But just for the hell of it
I’ll focus on the big issues
We’ve run out of tissues
These carrots have died
But at least I’m alive

If we go to war
Then I’ll give them what for
If the US say yes
Then I’ll SMS an SOS
Automatic conscription
I’ll hand them a prescription
Like a uni assignment
I’m too sick for consignment
I haven’t been sleeping
With all the news that I’m reading

I could never fire a gun at another human being
Unless the gun was infra red and their head was a TV

I’m doing my washing
My underpants are moshing
I’m separating the colours and the whites
Then I realise that’s what causes all the fights
Throw them in together
Let the colours run forever
And we’ll wear the white pink socks of peace

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The first time I tried pot was with my mate Billy in the Burnie Park
We didn’t have a light it was getting late
I tried to light a joint off a barbecue plate but to no avail
We walked to his house and sparked up the joint

We went puff for puff till Bill had had enough
But I kept on chuffin on the stuff
We went inside and he made me a Milo
It tasted real nice and I felt real high though
It was a bit weird
Giggling when there was no joke

I went outside to get some fresh air
My tummy was in a state of despair
Paranoia raced into my chest
My heart rate sped the more I took fright
By now it was bangin like a green traffic light
Beoup boop boop boop boop boop boop!
I clutched my chest not too sure what to do
I ran into the backyard and prayed to the moon

I thanked God for my life up until that point
Preparin to die at the hands of the joint

I thought I saw my life flash past my eyes
But it was just a sheet hanging on the line
At half past one Billy woke his mum
Told her I was dying and told her what we’d done
She got dressed
She got stressed
Needless to say
She wasn’t too impressed
They got me into the car

‘Help me’ I said
‘The seatbelt is choking me!’
‘You’d better ring the hospital and make sure the paramedics are there to meet me!’

We got to the hospital and yeah you betcha
There was no-one to meet me not even a stretcher
I had to walk the walk and talk the talk
With the receptionist at the front door
She asked me for my name
She asked me for my stats
I tried to tell her I was havin’ a major heart attack
Finally a doctor came

He lay me on the bed and stuck electric plugs onto my chest
It was to monitor my heart rate it was beating so fast
It was like my own rave
And my heart was the DJ

And then it made this noise
Aaaaaaagh!
I thought that I was dead
White doves coming for my head
But nuh

And then it made this noise again
Aaaaaaagh!
I thought that I was dead again
White doves coming for my head again
But nuh

Well this routine went on for quite sometime
The machine beeping me thinking I had died
Finally the nurse explained

‘That’s the noise that the machine makes
Just to let you know you’ve decreased your heart rate’

Oh well I said ‘great thanks for that mate’
And freaked out for another four hours straight!
While Billy and his Mum read magazines

Is there a moral to the story yeah maybe
A year later I found out the joint was laced with LSD

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Ian Thorpe was bored
Of all the winning when he was swimming
Here I am now
He said
Entertain me!

They tried everything from the underwater TV
Following him with Buffy
To the specially ordered inflatable version of Lord Of The Rings
For him to read while he did the backstroke

But nothing could put the fire in his belly
Not even training in port wine jelly
Nothing could remove the frown
Not even the deep sea clown

Ian walked away from the pool
Still in his Speedos
He wandered the streets
Searching for meaning
In a world that just kept on tumble turning
They thought he was one of the homeless

They put size nineteen shoes on his feet
They gave him a blanket and something to eat
He was a little unsure
A little bit edgy
Like the time Alexander Popov gave him a wedgie

Well how do you console a man
Who’s worth his weight in gold medals?

Like Isaac Newton’s apple hit him on the head
One morning Ian fell out of bed
He took off his swimming cap
And put on his thinking cap
‘Enough of this tomfoolery
I want to design men’s jewellery!’

He took all his medals down to Cash Converters
He wrote his coach a note
He didn’t want to hurt her
For Ian had a plan
He’d always known he was big in Japan

They gave him a mansion
They gave him his own show
They gave him his own pool
He didn’t want a swim
He just wanted to float in it
He just wanted to float

‘Come on boys and girls
It’s time to tune in
To Australian Ian Thorpe’s
World Of Pretty Things!’

Ian’s head was swimming
Now this was really living

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Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Where are you?

Where does all my money go?
And why doesn’t my goatee grow?
And why do my socks all have holes?
And what the heck’s in this sausage roll?
And why did I cry at the start of Titanic?
And when I’m wearing Speedos why do I panic?
Why does my guitar never sounds in tune?
How come Nicky Webster doesn’t cover Hey Jude?
And what is the meaning of life?
Is it to get a house and a job and a car and a wife?
Or to slide naked down the waterslides of life?
I dunno I’m just askin’

Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Where are you?
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Anyone there?

Why are beanbag beans so damn expensive?
And why does Popstars make me so pensive?
And why do we have a natural fear of washing up?
And why do girls only do girls push ups?
And why do we learn trigonometry?
And is there a science to sports commentary?
And why is cloning such a no no?
Did anyone see Shakira’s latest video?
Did Laura Palmer really kill the dodo?
Why doesn’t ice melt on Iced Vovos?
Why can’t I learn anything on a yoyo?
Why didn’t I die from eating play do?
Is there such a thing as rhyming overdose?
Rendering the listener completely comatose?

Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Where are you?
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Is anyone listening?

The answers to all these questions
Is yes
I mean no
I mean look it up on the internet
Keywords

Dr Karl Dr Karl
Callin Dr Karl
Dr Karl Dr Karl
Where is everybody?

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