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19th Mar 2009 – Album launch @ The Corner Hotel.

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W/ Tripod, The Suitcase Royale & DJ’s.

Folk-wit extraordinaire The Bedroom Philosopher launches his highly anticipated new album Brown & Orange supported by mega stars Tripod and ramshackle good things The Suitcase Royale as well as go-go guardians DJ’s Emma Peel & Master Bedroom. The BP will be backed by his oddly handsome and handsomely odd band The Akwardstra who play such things as sitar, flute and double percussion. Belt up and enjoy the mirthical mystery tour.

MARCH 19. 8pm. $17 (plus B.F.) $22 on door.

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SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM

To book tickets and hear preview songs click on

The wait is over! Brown & Orange is out now!
REVIEWS JUST IN FOR ‘BROWN & ORANGE’

“The Bedroom Philosopher, aka Justin Heazlewood, revealed himself as an hallucinogenic hybrid of Tripod and Syd Barrett on his 2005 cult hit I’m So Postmodern, inevitably putting him in danger of becoming a one-novelty-hit wonder. The BP’s second album Brown & Orange is less explicitly bizarre than the tune that brought him (sort of) fame, placing his eccentric streams of consciousness and oddball stories amidst an apparently earnest style of folk-rock and gentle experimentation (such as placing a taped ‘70s monologue alongside hypnotic Phillip Glass-style repetition).

The swelling orchestral ballad For The Love I Have For You sounds like a straight, serious song, but closer investigation reveals Heazlewood cramming lots of syllables into tiny song spaces, at one point blurting out “Okay, granted, that’s not a very romantic lyric”. Tongue still wedged in cheek, then. The spoken-word short story Jesus On Big Brother is fun as well (“More people watched Jesus than The Simpsons and the news and the CSIs combined”). The record is less successful when he goes deliberately ‘wacky’, such as the “comedy” Muppet vocals in Wow Wow’s Song (La La La). But the record’s charm is revealed in the almost Dylan-esque rant Party In My Head and the laid-back country-rock strum of What Am I Supposed To Be Doing?”
Matt Thrower, Rave.

“The fact that The Bedroom Philosopher is a talented musician with a highly polished production is obvious from the first few bars. A folk-guitar style, the sound of fingers slipping from chord to chord along the strings throughout a ballad with seventies-style jazz flute (a double flute solo, no less) makes me want to weave daisy-chains and skip through the nearest field. The music jumps from song to song between seventies styles, raw old-school Brit pop, folk guitar chords, and psychedelic sounds created by the Philosopher and his Awkwardstra. I laugh out loud on at least four occasions during the first song (Strange Piece of Music) alone. I’m won over by the lyrics –one of a few songs on the album to employ story-teller narration, backed up with beautiful guitar.

The Bedroom Philosopher is a particularly talented and funny writer. As a listener I identify with every single word – which is the hook. But the usual brash take-the-piss Aussie comedy-music style is replaced by the gently hilarious musings of a poet. I almost fall in love. The original 1970’s home-recordings (apparently discovered by the Bedroom Philosopher in a Canberra Op Shop) peppered between a few songs make for some compelling listening. Really, really odd, and really funny. I will be taking this cd for another spin; during my morning tram ride to work – the 86, hiding behind sunglasses and pretending I’m sitting in a park with a bunch of groovy friends listening to a really funny, cute guy telling me sweet, amusing tales and making me laugh.”
Emma Johnston, Artshub.

NEWS

(Brought to you by The Curious Case of Benjamin Bunny. A reversed adaption of the Beatrix Potter story.)

♥ Brown & Orange has been released through MGM / Nan & Pop Records. It has fourteen songs and a 16-page colour booklet. Nan issued a statement saying that she was ‘pleased that Justin is still striving towards his dream,’ and that this album had better SHIFT SOME UNITS!’ It’s available in all shops and on iTunes. It costs around $28 in stores, plus extra for the bribe you’ll have to offer the salesperson to find it. If the record store assistant acts like they’ve never heard of me or the album, kindly insist that I exist and make them look hard on their computer. If it comes to this, which it will, the catalogue number is NANPOP002.
You can have a look at the track listing here:

♥ My summer-fill show on Melbourne’s community radio RRR ‘Lime Champions’ was rather successful. Along with Damien Lawlor, Josh Earl, Eva Johansen & Matt Kelly, we came up with a format of pre-recorded and live-to-air sketches, music and interviews that impressed the station manager so much we’re being considered for a regular spot. In the meantime, we’re going into podcast mode, and should have the first one up next week. For now, you can hear our last show in its entirety, featuring interviews with Tripod, Marieke Hardy & The Suitcase Royale here:

♥ After much consideration, I’ve decided to go with ‘Two Thousand and Nein’ (last part said aggressively in German accent) as the catchphrase of this year. I think this year’s good so far, but if you don’t you can consider calling it ‘Two Thousand and Whine.’

♥ I haven’t planned an album tour for Brown & Orange as I’d like to take The Awkwardstra with me but am aware of the financial risks. Stay tuned. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving the album some time to get out there and looking at the situation in May. *Justin has unnecessarily business toned conversation with readership as supplement for lack of current management.*

♥ A biologist has suggested that due to lack of proper research, entire populations of unknown species may have already been wiped off the face of the Earth. According to a report in The Australian, Australian marine biologist Elvira Poloczanska has come forward with this hypothesis, which suggests species that have not been found as yet, may have already become extinct.

♥ I’m getting a new bed for the first time in my adult life. Mum bought it for me with her K. Rudd one thousand!

♥ AWKWARDSTRA NEWS: Sorry ladies (and gentleman), but Awkwardstra percussionist Hits Rodriguez is engaged! Congratulations to him and his lovely partner. Meanwhile, Nature Boy Hazel and Hits played with Kat Frankie on her recent tour. Mad-Dog Rabinovici is back to study his third year at VCA. Flutes McGee smashed his flute after getting right into the Wow Wow’s Song silent rock out at The Thin Green Line Festival. Suavy Shankar is set to increase his musical involvement in the band, adding electric guitar to Party In My Head and Acronymphomaniac.

LapTopping – 69 – “Peter Russell-Crowe”

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 69
Estimated Reading Time: 9:53

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Ice-T 51 today!
Happy Birthday John McEnroe 50 today!

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RECENTLY REGISTERED COVER BANDS

Rage Against The Sewing Machine – Gentle indie acoustic versions.
Queens Of The Old Age – The CWA chorale’s dedication to Josh Homme.
Silverhair – The RSL’s take on Daniel Johns.
CRABBA – Feminist take on Swedish pop.
ACTC – Canberra based Acca Dacca fans.
The Foetals – Slow, depressing, instrumental versions of Beatles hits.
Poofmother – Bogan rock tribute to defunct band they don’t like.
Catholica – Christian Metallica fans.
Judgemental As Anything – See above.
Bindi Lauper – Childrens act based on Cyndi Lauper songs.
Rodeohead – Country take on Thom Yorke.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bette – Bette Midler Tribute.
A Polyphonic Spree – One guy, a lot of ringtones.
Mews – Muse songs with singing replaced by cats.

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GUERILLAGRAMS!

Great moments in unsolicited conversation.

From Jessica.

Me: (after getting my report card for school) Ah I hate English it’s so hard.
Friend: Well, why don’t you drop down to standard?
Me: I’m already in standard.
Friend: Go down to English as a second language.

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INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES

*****
RETIRED
*****

From Justin Heazlewood, Melbourne.

“I wish to congratulate my Nokia phone for its four years of reliable service. Over this time it has served me well as a phone, voice recorder, torch and at times, spirit level, although the compass function was never a strong point. Constantly full of sms’s, its CPU was always being tested, and although it did mix some messages around towards the end, it never lost any. Nokia, you’ve been a solid friend over the years but I knew this day would come, and it’s time for us to part ways. On behalf of myself and my new iphone we wish you all the best in your retirement napping in my top desk drawer.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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SEND YOUR GUERILLAGRAMS AND BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO THIS ADDRESS.

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“3rd cricket teat”
“why are people are scared of you”
“what do frequent one night stands say about one s mentality”
“do kisses at the end of a text message mean anything”
“how do i know if i m postmodern?”
“toaster shoots bread vovos”
“the world is fucked and i am so alone”
“woollen bookmarks”
“sideburn appreciation society”
“ridiculously subtle”
“what happened to simon day from ratcat”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Look at Ariel Pink do stuff.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

(CANBERRA, SYDNEY MELBOURNE)

CANBERRA
The Front Cafe, Lyneham. Thursday February 19. 8:30pm. $10.

SYDNEY
Mic In Hand, Friend In Hand Hotel. Thursday March 12. $12.

MELBOURNE
Short set supporting Spooky Men’s Chorale, who are awfully good. Feb 21. Lithuanian Club. $20/$15.

BROWN & ORANGE ALBUM LAUNCH @ THE CORNER – 19 March.
Featuring Special Guests Tripod, The Suitcase Royale plus DJ’s Emma Peel & Master Bedroom. $17 plus b.f. Or $22 on the door.

SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ EUROPEAN BIER CAFE. 2-25 April. (No Mondays). 9:45pm.
My first solo Melbourne Comedy Festival show in four years. Witness the fitness.

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STORYTIME

(Brought to you by Chad Mashups Waterslide Bowling. Combine the summer fun of water sliding with the skill of ten pin bowling, simply bowl your ball and then follow it down the four story ‘super loop.’ Even if you don’t knock ‘em all down, you’re sure to get a spare when you come crashing through after.)

In 2001 I was wandering around the Salvation Army at Fishwick in Canberra when I checked out the cassette section. Amongst the usual plastic muesli of bad 90’s pop and obscure classical was a large rectangular case holding twenty five tapes. I lifted the lid to find a set of home recordings all labelled and catalogued. There were titles like ‘Dad 1975,’ ‘Maxine 1977’ and one which really intrigued me ‘Social Life In The Psychiatric Unit.’ I bought the set for $10 and took them home.
Straight away I put on the ‘Social Life’ tape. It was mesmerising. ‘Charles’ the owner of the collection was interviewing patients at the psychiatric hospital he had been admitted to, asking them if they knew any good jokes. The audio was surprisingly good. You could hear the television in the lounge room and nurses pushing trolleys up the corridors.
I listened to another tape. On this one Charles was ‘speaking a letter’ to a friend. He was a young, eccentric British man of twenty one talking of ‘cool droogs’ and how ‘totally mad and superb’ the holidays were going to be. He was so funny and likeable. He jumped from tales of trying to score ‘dishy birds’ to asking if his friend had heard of The Sex Pistols. The ‘Maxine’ tape was a friend of Charles speaking him a letter. She had a husky half-french, half-british accent and spoke candidly of her holiday in Spain and going to art school. I instantly fell in love with her.
Nearly every tape in the collection had some magical quality to it. Charles and his friends spoke with such fervour and character that you swore some of it was being directed by Wes Anderson. A highlight was a conversation between Charles and an older patient.
Woman: You may record my voice, but I’ll not do any jokes…my clown has left me…I only have tear drops. Do you want me to tell you a joke that isn’t funny?
Charles: Yeah.
Woman: I fancy you.
Charles: That isn’t a joke.
Woman: I told you it wasn’t funny.
Years went by and I didn’t think of the tapes much. When I began working on my second Bedroom Philosopher album I had the idea of sampling them on the album. While listening through to them again I heard Charles mention his family in New Zealand. Google searches had brought up nothing for Charles, but the cousin he mentioned did show up at an art gallery in New Zealand. I took a punt and emailed her. She was the one! She informed me that the family had no idea about the tapes, and that Charles had died in 1980 when he was just twenty five. I told them about my intentions, and they agreed to let me use the tapes as long as I sent them some copies on CD. I still hadn’t solved the puzzle of how a collection of tapes from a young British man in 1975 ended up abandoned in a Canberra op shop in 2001.
I was awfully sad to hear that Charles had died. Perhaps I harboured the possibility of tracking him down. Listening to him on the tapes was such an intimate, joyous experience. It’s such a strange treat to hear someone speaking to you with the excitement and honesty normally reserved for a best friend. I know there’s a major art project in store that will truly do justice to this collection, but for now I’m just happy that these precious recordings and Charles’ memorable voice will survive. It makes me think about how our memories will live on once we die.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!

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NOTICE & DISCLAIMER:

THIS EFLAIL IS NINTENDOED FOR THE MISUSE OF THE ADDRESSISSIPPEE and may contain chinformation that is nibblidged and sconefidential. If you are snot the nintendoed recicipient, you are hereby hear ye hear ye notified that any pissuse, dyslexication, mistribution or griposuction of this eflail or the brained grinformation is strictly ballroom
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THIS COMPANY DOES NOT REPRESENT, WARRANT AND/OR GUARANTEE that Cherry Pie was that great in the first place or has aged well.

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The Bedroom Philosopher – Brown & Orange (2009)

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The Bedroom Philosopher - Brown & Orange

Available from Bandcamp & iTunes

1. Strange Piece Of Music
2. Party In My Head
3. What Am I Supposed To Be Doing?
4. The Happiest Boy
5. I’m So Lonely
6. (Brown)
7. Jesus On Big Brother
8. For The Love I Have For You
9. Circus Bear
10. (Orange)
11. Swan Song
12. Deux Cygnes Noirs
13. Wow Wow’s Song (La La La)
14. (Social Life In The Psychiatric Unit 30/10/77)

All songs written by Justin Heazlewood except for (Social Life In The Psychiatric Unit 30/10/77) written by Justin Heazlewood & Richard Cartwright.
Produced by The Bedroom Philosopher with Chris Scallan, Martin “Moose” Lubran and Ken Heazlewood.
Mixed by Chris Scallan at Soft Centre Studios.
Wow Wow’s Song (La La La) mixed by Martin “Moose” Lubran & Craig Harnath at Hothouse Studios.
Mastered by David Briggs at The Production Workshop.
Design by Tambourine Design.
Photos by Telia Nevile except for Brown & Orange clocks and cup by Tatjana Pitt & ceramic swan with ties by Clare Rae.
Justin Heazlewood: Vocals, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, wurlitzer, accordion, vibroslap, percussion, computer keyboard.
Martin “Moose” Lubran: Electric guitar, bass, vibraphone, synths, programming, drums. arrangements on Deux Cygnes Noirs and The Happiest Boy.
Haydn Meggit: Drums and percussion.
John Maddox: Double bass.
Harry Angus: Trumpet.
Andy Hazel: Bass.
Richard Cartwright: Sitar.
Michael O’Connor: Flute.
Xani Colac: Violin.
Hanna Silver: Piano and synths.
Tom Crowe: Slide guitar.
Miles O’Neil: Banjo.
Will Hindmarsh: Harmonica.
Anna Knight, Scott Edgar, Stephen Gates, Simon Hall: Vocals.
Ken Heazlewood, Saskia Moore, Clare Rae, Emma Heeney, Eva Johansen: Backing vocals.

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The wait is over! Brown & Orange is out now. Request it in shops. There’s 14 new songs plus a 16-page deluxe colour booklet to enjoy!

Download Justin’s new radio show ‘Lime Champions’ here

NEWS

(Brought to you by Crankie, the fashion magazine for stylish twenty-somethings who hate everything.)

♥ Brown and Orange will be released Feb 7 through MGM. They’ve offered to press up a number of albums so I think we can call that a record deal motherfathers!

♥ Party In My Head is the next single to be released so keep an ear out for it through Jan/Feb. Wow Wow has been banned from Triple J’s Hottest 100 for Visa issues. In a statement from his rock dwelling he said: ‘HELLO! WOW WOW IS SAD TO HEAR HE IS NOT ON THE LIST. I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I AM TOO LOUD.’ In good news, Melbourne’s Beat magazine gave it a nifty review: “Wow Wow is basically a depressed, mildly retarted, reasonably hip version of the Cookie Monster. It’s the novelty rock equivalent of burping the alphabet, with sexy accompaniment. All very jolly and hilarious.”

♥ I’ve added a heap of new columns to the Struth Be Told section of this website, plus written the 2008 instalment of my infamous ‘life story.’

♥ I’ve been asked to fill in for RRR show ‘Aural Text’ over January. I’ve been given free reign and will create the show ‘Lime Champions.’ Two hours of irreverence and style every Wednesday in January between 12-2pm. Joining me are a host of bentertainers including Damien Lawlor, Josh Earl, Matt Kelly and Eva Johansen. I’ve done one graveyard shift so far. Highlights included scratching a Hey Hey It’s Saturday record over the top of a Boards Of Canada song. One bloke rang up and said ‘What’s that? That’s cool.’ *said slowly* that’s Lime Champions on 3RRR 102.7FM on your dial. If you’re not in Melbourne you can stream it.

♥ The Northcote Social Club residency was a blinding success with happy crowds and solid sets. The Akwardstra excelled themselves into the stratosphere. Flutes McGee is a walking side-project, to the point where we’ve had to install a ‘nailing list’ for girls to write their numbers on. Hits Rodriguez won fashion honours with his chocolate brown leisure-suit. Nature Boy Hazel wins best punchline, after I broke a string and had to borrow Josh Earl’s little guitar and couldn’t figure out where I was on the instrument: “The third dot Philosopher.” Mad Dog Rabinovici was grace under pressure, especially when his plan to duck off to the bathroom was dashed when we got an ACTUAL encore. Suavy Shankar had them singing “play us a song you’re the sitar man, play us a song tonight. Well we’re all in the mood for a raga and you’ve got us feeling aaaallllriiiight.” If you live in Melbourne and missed all four, well, hello! Deal breaker. If anyone asks we were life changing, and the Philosopher is IN.

♥ We completely owned the Folk, Rhythm and Life festival. I opened with ‘hello, we’re very hippy to be here’ and winged it from there. There were naked children bouncing on mattresses, lentil burgers, pit toilets and a never-waning sense of fisherman’s panted, open chest-vested, hip-gyp optimism which made me ill with analysis. Recommended!

♥ I’ve finished the entire series of Six Feet Under, the way one finishes a year of exchange in another country, staying with the most captivating, well-spoken, thought provoking, emotionally satisfying, witty and hot family on the planet. They should teach it in schools! Best show ever. Sorry Knight Rider.

♥ I had my first ever Christmas in Melbourne. It was lovely. Thanks to the event managers at Tambourine Designs.

LapTopping – 68 – “Best LapTopping Ever”

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 68
Sunday December 28, 2008.
Estimated Reading Time: 9:53

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Patrick Rafter 36 today!
Happy Birthday Jude Law 36 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Ted Danson 61 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Marianne Faithful 62 tomorrow!

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CRASSIFIDES

DIDN’T GET THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER A CHRISTMAS GIFT?
Now you can! He doesn’t want much. Just for you to vote for The Happiest Boy video in this online competition. It’s a gift that keeps giving because you stand the chance to win a Playstation 3 just by voting! Yaytron 3000!
http://www.iinet.net.au/getanimated/
Go to the ‘Vote Now’ bit.
Locate ‘The Happiest Boy’ in the ‘Complete List’ bit.
Give it a thumbs up!
Thanks. Chill, I’ll remind you at the end of the Ezine too.

WANT TO CO-MANAGE THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER?
Does anyone have any contacts? Talk me up around the water cooler. Seriously – does anyone have any tip-offs for where I could send my film clips or songs overseas? As in video programs / radio contacts / festivals / prominent bargain bins etc?

WANT TO MAKE A PROFESSIONAL FILM CLIP?
The next single will be ‘Party In My Head’ but I’m too tired to make a film clip. Would anyone like to get seriously involved to the point of doing most of the damn thing? Let’s get it in one take. Me thrashing about with a storyline. MUST BE SHMICK! Or lo-fi enough to still be cool and not remotely contrived. NO 80’s RETRO! Or, there’s the option of making a video for the 19 second ‘Swan Song.’ Could be animated.
Enquire within.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OLD TRAM MEMORABILIA?
It’s for my Comedy Festival Show ‘Songs From The 86 Tram.’
Or, are you a sound artist and would take pleasure in getting a clean audio recording from inside a tram? Or do you have awesome sound gear. Melbourne only.

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NAN GOT IT WRONG AT CHRISTMAS

Asked for: The Beatles Anthology.
Got: Encyclopedia Deutschland’s Compendium of Automobiles.

Asked for: The Complete Series of Family Guy.
Got: The Complete Series of Family Ties.

Asked for: The New 50 Cent single.
Got: A commemorative 50 cent piece.

Asked for: A pair of Cons.
Got: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels on VHS.

Asked for: The Mighty Boosh.
Got: George Bush Biography.

Asked for: MGMT or ACDC
Got: ELO.

Asked for: Architecture In Helsinki
Got: Helsinki: Contemporary Urban Architecture by Jussi Tiainen.

Asked for: A ticket to Good Vibrations
Got: A cassette of Good Vibrations.

Asked for: Sanity Vouchers
Got: The Bible.

Asked for: Money.
Got: Socks.

Asked for: Nothing.
Got: Carob bullets.

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GUERILLAGRAMS!

Great moments in unsolicited conversation.

From Dion, Burnie. (via text message)

“I am concerned the driver of the bus I am on wants to kill himself. He talks like Adam Sandler in the wedding singer and drives like Aryton Senna. He just said on the mic that swimming with piranhas would be preferable to driving a bus from Burnie to Hobart in the rain at 4pm on a Sunday. Then there was a lot and I mean a lot of dead air. He then delivered the line about softdrink – sandwiches being allowed on the bus and exhaled loudly. If i don’t make it pass this message on as exhibit a. He just asked the kid behind him if he has seen snakes on a plane. Then he seriously locked the brakes and slid through an intersection. ‘Lucky no one goes anywhere in Deloraine on Sunday‘ was the response.”

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INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES

*****
DEAD
*****

From James, Wellington, NZ.

“Another phone has lost its life at the hands of the tyrannous race that is the washing machine. On 20 November my close friend Alaisa forgot to take her phone out of her trousers before putting them in the wash. Once discovered, water-logged and soapy, the phone would not respond and has been announced deceased by the mobile phone paramedics (some guy who knows a bit about cellphones). We ask you all to hold a moments silence in remembrance of the 11 months of dedicated telecommunication service provided by this brave little guy, and we ask that you pray Alaisa does not find her missing USB drive in the wash as well.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
*************************************

SEND YOUR GUERILLAGRAMS AND BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO THIS ADDRESS.

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“fire in bedroom dream analysis“
“girls blowing up”
“asked me to wear his cloth”
“brown corduroy jumpsuit”
“chris struth is getting a car for his christmas his mum told me when i was at cafe 98”
“picture frames baby nan and pop”
“flag factory”
“something in the bedroom that starts w/the letter a”
“women being disappointed with men”
“oil of olay annual report”
“coloured jokes about philosopher”
“is jarvis common people existentialist or nihilist”
“where to retire if you re a philosopher”
“what kind of ear plugs do rock bands wear”
“clothes 2008”
“sample wedding vowles”
“do cruskits have bad colours”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Find out what the number one song was on the day you were born.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

(SYDNEY, ADELAIDE, MELBOURNE)

ADELAIDE
SUMMER CHERRY FESTIVAL – 10 January.
I’m on 7pm. It’s at the Gov.

MORNINGTON PENINSULA
THE THIN GREEN LINE FESTIVAL – 14 February.
We’re on 1pm – ish. Check guides! Xavier Rudd’s there too. BYO Fisherman’s pants.

MELBOURNE
BROWN & ORANGE ALBUM LAUNCH @ THE CORNER – 19 March.
Featuring Special Guests Tripod plus more TBA. Lead pencil that in!

SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ EUROPEAN BIER CAFE. 2-25 April. (No Mondays). 9:45pm.
My first solo Melbourne Comedy Festival show in four years. Witness the fitness.

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STORYTIME

(Brought to you by MGnT. The hip New York drink that’s probably been over-hyped.)

2008 IN REVIEW

Top Five Lessons I Learnt:

1. Love isn’t always enough to keep a relationship together. Get them pregnant.
2. Mates Rates requires Acquaintance Maintenance.
3. Smoking’s only cool if you looked cool to start with.
4. If you wouldn’t talk to them at a party, don’t have them as Facebook friends.
5. Making an album is like running the country of yourself when you’re at war.

2008 was the year that a little grey slipped into my outlook, and my sideburns. I found out what happens when you fall off the edge you’ve been riding for years. There’s no safety mat and the circus don’t employ broken clowns. The key to happiness is accepting things as they are – but once you’re happy you’ll realise the key to survival is accepting happiness as a construct and the key to acceptance is being happy just to survive. Counselling is helpful but seriously, you’re so bored of yourself you have to pay someone to listen to you? Psychologists are prosetitutes. Insomnia is caused when the muesli of thought spills over onto the track pants of fear while watching the daytime television of your unachieved goals. All it takes is the right Beatles lyrics, a hot meal, a pash at a party and the smell of childhood flowers blowing fresh over the city streets and you’ll find the reset button on your subconscious. Failing that, punch the back of your knee. Hard!

♥ Mix it up. Ride your bike in a swimming pool.
♥ Do it yourself. Take a popcorn machine to the flicks.
♥ Slow it down. Repeat Grade Nine as a refresher.
♥ Take a chance. Fly to Afghanistan to do your grocery shopping.
♥ Believe in yourself. Hang a mirror up in an art gallery and stand there all week.
♥ Take stock of your life. Go busking in the street reading out your will.
♥ Don’t be afraid to laugh. Especially at children, they’re wrong in the skeleton!
♥ Cry often. There’s NO DORITOS!

You can be anything you want to be, within your own natural limitations. The only person stopping you is yourself, and usually for good reason because you have a reputation at stake and no-one likes a show-off. Life isn’t a rehearsal, but if it is, God is going to be wild and no-one needs a million page script thrown at them. Get off the computer, smell the roses, eat the Cadbury roses, listen to the Stone Roses, stone the crows, watch The Crow, support the Adelaide Crows, get stoned in Adelaide with a girl called Rose, listening to The Stones and have something to crow about.

See you in Two Thousand And Fine!*

(*copyright: Josh Earl.)

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!

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NOTICE & DISCLAIMER:

This things has been sent to you the receiver on your e-box. To begin transmission please place flaccid eye-line on word perimeter and swish side to side undertake neural response sequence making words seem right and be entertained. It the event the face response is too flaccid or there a build up of misunderstanding, kindly remove all of you from your office station and reset surroundings with baseball bat or other fixing device and return to safety counter. This be a good letter of transmit with all wishes of kindness, however we are careful and know that words go bad so we keep silent if you life is not in line with these message and you not appreciating the word snorkel, madams. This organisation quite careful to make super-letter with the right love for your fighting mind, keep you smart and clean but not too many jokes as we are all off to the trouble bank. Let us journey into brightest of mornings with wind in our hair and the ground beneath our boots and know that the horizon is only as distant as love for ourselves.

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PS VOTE FOR THE HAPPIEST BOY!

http://www.iinet.net.au/getanimated/