Author Archives: justin

NOTE: This message is for anyone who subscribes to LapTopping and normally gets it by email, but hasn't been lately. I'm not sure what's happening. It's mainly effecting Hotmail users. I've been sending it out the normal way, but chaos is still ensuing. I apologise. Please don't take it personally!
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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 60
Tuesday 24th July.
Estimated Reading Time: 15:41. (1:32 if you just read the inanimates and quotes, oh I know how you roll)
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
dev2.topfive.com.au/
**Now with more painful self-consciousness!**
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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Anna Paquin 25 today!
Happy Birthday Estelle Getty 83 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Mick Jagger 66 on Thursday!
Happy Birthday Carl Jung 132 on Thursday!

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POSITIONS VACANT

Are you a film maker or animator who might do a good job on a Bedroom Philosopher film clip? I’m looking to strike the delicate balance of a low-budget clip that looks amazing. One half of it will be shot in a studio space, while the other half requires some creative animation. Email within.

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EDITOR’S NOTE

LapTopping began as the depraved ramblings on a young man’s Magna Doodle in the late eighties. These were then photocopied and letter box dropped to several homes in the North-West Tasmania. As readership and restraining orders grew, the state government granted the LapTopping organisation a Windows 93 computer. Through the aid of a special ‘Intraweb’, loaded via cassette, crude versions of the publication were created in Microsoft’s Ezine wizard. (A crudely pixilated stapler would appear saying ‘hello, it looks like you’re writing a self-obsessed newsletter, would you like some perspective?).

After a daring raid on a local primary school, core LapTopping members stole a bunch of phonebooks and wrote a virus that sent LapTopping hurtling into the electronic stratosphere some copies at a time! An intimate and unbreakable relationship with the readership (nicknamed ‘Raddership’) was forged, and issues were improved from feedback, which often came in the form of letters, letter bombs, and normal bombs. Today, LapTopping continues to shine as a beacon of typing in a world of other things. It is with pleasure and honour that we celebrate our golden anniversary, or silver, and salute you, beloved (insert name), and wish you luck specific to your life journey, or, if you don’t believe in luck…cash.
Hip! Hip! Replacement!

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993. (A reading from my Grade Seven diary.)

“Got up early and headed out on walk near Penguin. Nan was leading it. Went with Smithton mob. Wet but pretty good walk. Had pizza + chips for T. Carl. beat Essendon. See Ya.”

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

Joan Osborne – One of us.

“What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home.”

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TOP SIX WAYS TRANSFORMERS COULD BE IMPROVED

1. Hand the film over to a post-modernist French director who could leave out the entire subplot of teenagers in love so it was nothing but transformers changing for 90 minutes.

2. Return Bumblebee to his original form of a lovable Volkswagon beetle who squirts oil and has to enter a unwinnable race to stop the local school from being shutdown.

3. Get Harry Potter involved somehow. He casts a spell that turns himself into a robot who can change into a broomstick. Perhaps a combination of muscle car and headmaster in ‘Bumbledore.’

4. Have a rubik’s cube transformer who’s the ‘lovable nerd.’

5. A girl transformer! C’mon. Digitalise Charlie Theron and make her into a voluptuous robo-goddess who can turn into a natty Vespa. A love interest for Optimus Prime? (he seduces her with the line: ‘It’s prime-time!’)

6. For purposes of social equality, feature a disabled transformer that needs the aid of ‘god-like hands’ to come down and help him change.

TOP SIX CONSIPRACY THEORIES ABOUT HARRY POTTER SEVEN

1. It ends with Harry accidentally casting a spell that makes the universe disappear. He’s left in darkness talking to the child-like empress from the Never-Ending story.

2. The big twist is that Harry is actually black. Think about it, at no point has the narrator ever mentioned Harry’s skin colour.

3. Harry is a robot somehow, who can dream, and wakes up in a scrap metal yard and then it becomes Terminator Two, only he’s a metal broomstick.

4. Ron has been a figment of Harry’s imagination all this time. Go back through the books! No-one else talks to Ron, ever! It fits.

5. Voldemort is Dumbledore when he’s drunk.

6. They all die. Except the ones you like. Then they all wake up and do the ‘wizard dance.’

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

From Sam Primrose, Canberra

At the ANU a couple of weeks ago I overheard two first year ladies who were all dolled up with makeup and short skirts and I heard one say to the other (I kid you not):
“Look at all these nerds carrying books around!”

From Flick Hopkinson, Adelaide.
Overhead phone conversation in Rundle St: "…and so now she's pretending to be pregnant!"

From Shaun Ellis.
I am a teacher and I overheard this.
One 15 year old girl replied to another:
“Midget isn't the opposite of clown, Taylor. Like, Duh.”

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at [email protected]. Include your home city or town.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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DIED
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From Anna Krien, of Melbourne.

“You would think I would learn after Sherbet my rabbit chewed through the electric wires of my bedside lamp which gave me a 'huge f**k-off' electric shock during the night when I was looking for my glass of water – but no. The f**ken rabbit proceeds to chew through my alarm clock radio cord (causing a sleep in and failure to turn up for a class I'm teaching) and then my mobile phone charger. I've since been trying to recharge my phone by shoving it up the rabbit's arse.”

(LapTopping congratulates Anna who will next year take up post in Vienna as one of the English editors of Colours magazine!)

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your home city or town:
[email protected]

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:

NOTE: The word ‘bedroom’ has shot up to number 7 on the most frequent phrases to find my site. ‘Sandra sully nude’ has slipped to 12, while ‘Kristian Schmidt’ (played Todd on Neighbours in the early nineties) is at 14, somehow.

“sample wedding vowels”
“happiness is a warm jokes”
“only folking”
“sweet valley high dubbing”
“baked sausages”
“monkey bars for a bedroom”
“caterpillar puberty”
“my dog wees on my bed”
“how to give a platonic hug”
“amstrad computer club”
“seven day boo”
“nice with chips”
“eating too many jols laxative effect”
“how did you do that my gig?”
“wheelchair unicycle”

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LAPTOPPING MEDIA WATCH
Mess and Noise gig review by Shaun Prescott.
http://www.messandnoise.com/reviews/1060089
“Whether by design or sheer coincidence it’s unclear, but the support acts tonight – Ergo B Bag, Bedroom Philosopher and to a lesser extent Bluejuice – are so enmeshed in gimmickry that even a band like Richard In Your Mind, who are rapidly building a reputation in Sydney for their space cake-affected psychadelica, seem somewhat sage when they take the stage tonight. Mercifully, that impression is blown away almost immediately. No one has taken them to task for so blatantly referencing the Flaming Lips, both sonically and, to varying degrees, with their stage presence, and it’s likely they’ll continue to get away with it. The band claim that time suspends at a Richard in Your Mind concert, but what the band does more effectively is suspend your critical faculties. Richard Cartwright’s eccentric demeanour, his quaint banter, his lyrics, and the joyous absurdity of the band’s pop songs are overwhelmingly effective.”
Whether by design or sheer laziness it’s unclear, but Shaun Prescott’s review is so enmeshed in unsubstantiated, throwaway pigeon holing that even an artist like myself, who is rapidly building a thick skin to the potential negativity of a live review, seems somewhat dismayed when I Google my band name tonight. No one has taken Shaun to task for so blatantly dismissing three support acts in a single sentence, and failing to back up an offensively one-dimensional comparison of the main act with any intelligible evidence. While I am not arrogant or naïve enough to suggest that my act is immune or undeserving of such criticisms, I do have a problem with the underhandedly cynical ease at which he files us away, as if his ‘golden full stop’ warrants no further writing on the subject. I understand this particular review is focusing on the headline act, but I remember a rule from my street press writing days which was ‘always review the support acts, and if you haven’t seen them don’t mention them.’ Along with minor points such as, say, our music, this review neglects to mention that there was an unprecedented 250 punters present on a Thursday night to see four unsigned acts and many of them were there for, and lapped up, the 15-piece extravaganza of Ergo B Bag. Casting off three acts as ‘enmeshed in gimmickry’ is woefully shallow music journalism, and I expect better from such a respected publication.
DO YOU HAVE A MEDIA WATCH? Send us the link or hardcopy and we’ll sort it out. For more info contact Bev at [email protected]
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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Benito Difonzo has tipped us off to Weird Al Yankovic’s latest offering. A parody of Subterranean Homesick Blues made up of nothing but palindromes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nej4xJe4Tdg

Ever heard of the Dogasaurus Rex? You have now.
http://www.patonsyarns.com/patternbook.php?PBS=500947

And now, I thank Martin Lubran for putting me onto my new favourite show. ‘Look Around You.’ After you watch this one – type in ‘Look Around You’ into You Tube to see several other episodes. It was made in the UK in 2002.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8utXy5_q6Q

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: [email protected]

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne, with band.)

• Thursday 26th July. Northcote Social Club. High St, Northcote. W/ The Great Apes (exciting garage glam rock feat. ex-Burnie citizens) plus Plastic Palace Alice. (Arcade Fire-esque, as a starting point) $10. 8:30pm.

• Wednesday 1st August. Empress Residency w/ D.Rogers. $8. 8:30pm. 714 Nicholson St, Fitzroy.

• Wednesday 8th August. Empress Residency w/ Sean M Whelan & The Mime Set (Melbourne’s own Leonard Cohen. Sean is my favourite poet and has contribute a piece to the forthcoming album art.) $8. 8:30pm. 714 Nicholson St, Fitzroy.

• Wednesday 15th August. Empress Residency w/ Skipping Girl Vinegar. $8. 8:30pm. 714 Nicholson St, Fitzroy.

• Thursday 16th August. Melba Speigaltent. High St, Northcote (Near Northcote Town Hall). Further details TBA.

• Wednesday 22nd August. Empress Residency w/ Local boy wonder Josh Earl. $8. 8:30pm. 714 Nicholson St, Fitzroy.

• Friday 24th August. Espy Front Bar (Acts start 9:30pm, us onstage 12:30am) w/ The Bitter Sweet Hearts + The Summercats + Plastic Palace Alice. Free and noisy.

• Wednesday 29th August. Empress Residency w/ The Bitter Sweet Hearts. $8. 8:30pm. 714 Nicholson St, Fitzroy.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by the new Lost In Translation pinball game. Test your skill on this minimalist pinball machine, the first of its kind to be completely free of obstacles! See how long you can keep Bill Murray’s head in play. At 100000 you release ‘multiplot’ and Scarlett Johansson enters the fray!)

Driven by imagination, confusion and a journalistic instinct to pad this thing out – I feel compelled to answer a few questions that some of you probably don’t have about my new direction. So please, allow me to open the door to my usually intensely private world, and share a rare insight into the finer points of my creative process.

IAQ – Infrequently Asked Questions

Q. So, you didn’t do the comedy festival, now the band – are you going serious?

A. No. Well, perhaps in a way. I’m serious about my songs, regardless of their lyrical humour, so I’m taking them into a new setting, which is music venues.

Q. Why?

A. Well – for a very long time I’ve kinda existed in the worlds of comedy and music, I’ve been able to play comedy rooms and music venues, and for a long time I was happy doing this and I figured I’d never have to choose one or the other. While some industry folk suggested it would be in my best interests to choose, I liked the idea of being some rogue genre nomad. But lately, especially in conjunction with the new album, I’ve seen the sense in mostly sticking to music venues and forming a band.

Q. What was wrong with comedy?

A. It’s more about the focus. In a comedy room, the focus will always be, first and foremost, on the jokes, therefore, the lyrics will always be the focus over the music. In a music venue, usually, the music and lyrics are experienced equally, and the jokes become a bonus. There were a lot of occasions where I’d be looking at my set list before a comedy gig and scratching songs at the last minute for fear they weren’t funny enough. I see my songs as my children, and it’s like continually looking at your kids who aren’t dressed as clowns and saying ‘sorry guys, you’ll have to sit on the bench again, maybe next time.’ Well, I love all my children and I didn’t want to disappoint them night after night. At the end of the day I had to weigh it up and realise I enjoy writing songs more than I enjoy writing jokes.

Q. Aren’t you worried you’re going to lose your audience?

A. Well, no. Last year I independently organised my own tour of Eastern Australia, where I only played music venues and had mostly non-comedic musical supports. I loved all of those shows, and in most cases they were really well frequented by enthusiastic peeps. Playing music venues means I can get a sound check, spread out on a big stage, have fold back, and there’s just an inevitably more relaxed vibe. If I don’t feel like speaking between songs, if I don’t feel like making a joke, I don’t have to – and if I do, perhaps people aren’t expecting it and again, it acts as a bonus – the icing rather than the actual cake.

Q. But in music venues people tend to talk?

A. That wasn’t really a question, but anyway. Yes, I know – music venues have their disadvantages, and this is something I’m facing. My gig in Sydney with the band had lots of people talking, but at the same time if you really want to hear a band you can. There’s different schools of thought about band etiquette when people are talking. Some people reckon musicians should never have the right to tell someone to shut up because it’s their job to be interesting enough to warrant attention. Some artists get very precious about their environment and take matters into their own hands. I’m probably the latter – I enjoy an intimate connection with my audience, even if that means me sounding like a frazzled primary school teacher.

Q. Has it been easy making the change?

A. Not particularly, I don’t think it ever could be. I’m in a somewhat strange transition period. My residency at the Wesley Anne was tremendous fun, but it uncovered a deep seeded urge to be funny all the time, and a terribly warped notion that I had little to offer if I wasn’t being funny – one could psychoanalyse this as being why my music has been so drizzled with humour over the years – (but don’t!) This was easy enough to control during songs, even then, I had to be careful not to stop a song halfway and start making jokes out of it, but in between songs I tended to over think things, and became a little unsure about how much jokey banter was too much. An interesting example is the harmonica solo in ‘Happiest Boy.’ During my Fringe Festival comedy show last year I would do a visual gag where I went to play harmonica but couldn’t quite reach it, and would end up on the floor. Funny stuff. At the Wesley Anne I actually played a harmonica solo. Coming back to the children reference, I saw that the Happiest Boy ‘child’ was being quite earnest in a way, and it no longer felt right to put a novelty hat on him half way through, or something.

Q. Don’t you realise that most people who have seen you love you tripping over the mic stand and barely getting through a song?

A. Oh I’m quite aware of this. I understand that what I’m ‘asking’ of people isn’t necessarily easy. This has all come out of necessity. The Bedroom Philosopher in the early days was insane with nervous energy, mumbling, barely in tune, barely able to get through a song – that stuff’s all endearing and no doubt funny – but what people may not realise is that this wasn’t a performer expertly in control of a character, that was how I actually was! And that’s not something I could maintain for years. In fact, I was alienating myself for a while by gradually growing confident on stage and becoming more musically adept through sheer gig experience. Every artist is doing it for themselves first and foremost, of course, and I’ve realised that playing a set of songs as a musician night after night is something I can do for the next thirty years.

Something else I’m keeping in mind is that nationally, most of my exposure has come from Triple J, who have given me great support, so there’s still a great deal of audience who only know me through my recorded material, and have a mostly blank perception of what to expect from my live show.

Q. Yeah, the band thing. Won’t that make it harder for us to hear your lyrics?

A. Yes. And that’s a pretty big deal and I’m well aware of it. And to be honest, apart from working solidly with a trusted mixer, which I’m doing, and getting vocals way out there, and working on my mic technique, there’s not much else I can do. Basically, my answer to most of the band related questions is it’ll all make sense once the album comes out. Gigs at the moment are like an awkward first date with the album. I’m dishing out a set of songs that most people have never heard before, and have no recorded reference point for – that’s not easy when some of them contain about 2000 lines of dialogue. I’m thinking big picture. I went to a Clare Bowdich gig at the Northcote Social Club and 300 people were silent and hanging on her every word. I know I’ve got a damn long way to go to get anywhere near that – but at least I know it can happen.

Q. Okay, so why aren’t you playing much old stuff? What about all your fans who bought In Bed With My Doona? You don’t even play Megan the Vegan anymore you precious, pretentious, pseudo-arrogant little Beck wannabee.
A. Easy. Hey, that sounds awfully familiar, are you me?

Q. Ah. Ye…No….anyway. Play Megan the Vegan?

A. Just because you put a question mark on the end doesn’t make it a question! Look, you remind me of the sweet faced young funsters in the front row of the Annandale gig who pleaded with me to play Megan The Vegan, and one guy even went to the trouble of writing it on my set list. Well, it really kinda broke my heart that I didn’t play it, and especially when I said that bit of banter about ‘if you want me to play megan the vegan where have you been for the last five years?’ Look, in my defence, I was mainly joking, and being a kind of caricature of an arrogant front-man, so convincingly I might add that I can’t 100% confirm that for those few moments I wasn’t just an arrogant front man. No, honestly, I was a rabbit in the headlights, that was such a screamingly loud, big, bright soul-smackingly big occasion that I was barely keeping it together (refer above – transition period.) I regret that I said those things and I’m sorry I couldn’t play it. At the moment, I’m playing the band set list which is comprised of almost all new album stuff. Megan The Vegan doesn’t really work as a band song – it has that big rant in the middle which changes tempo and is physically demanding to pull off. Anyway. I will play that song again, but solo – but probably not I’m so post modern because I think some people have heard it so many times that I’ll be physically attacked. I’ll still be doing heaps of solo gigs in the future – and let’s face it, it works better in a quieter environment where everyone can hear the lyrics. I hope you’ll forgive me.

Q. I guess. So are you going to finish up anytime soon? What is this Rolling Stone for only children?
A. Yes.

THE END.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page.

Last time someone cried: Hayley – “Couple of nights ago, snug in bed listening to ‘This is Just a Modern Rock Song’ by Belle & Sebastian. Don’t fret, it was kind of happy crying, because really, if you can’t cry with joy at any song by Belle & Sebastian, your soul has up and left you.”

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NOTICE & DISCLAIMER: .
This meggly and its wangsatchels may be freaking loaded with all kinds of legal scivvies and have the right to remain confipenzal or smell a bit informationy. Look dudecake, it is intended solely for the information superdartboard it has been hurled at, and if you’d just sat through Shopgirl you’d look like this too, seriously Steve Martin, you’d make us sit through that so you can get your shriveled smacker onto Clare Danes? If you are not the addressee indicated in this message well um, oh, no, there’s email everywhere, oh gosh we’re so sorry – oh dear, you weren’t in a hurry were you, oh god look at it, alphabets akimbo! Oh look we’ve only been emailing a few weeks, your computer just came out of nowhere. Lucky Gerald put in that insurance form or we would be in trouble. What? Oh Gerald tell me you sent that form! Oh Gerald no! You brute! You boob! Meanwhile, from the creators of Disclaimer Man and Fine Print 2 – the Footnote of Doom, comes a sentence so bossy, you’ll think you’re back in the office! Will Ferrell: You may not copy or deliver this message or its attachments to anyone. Hahahahaha. Is there nothing he can’t make funny? Classic. Rather, father, you should permanently beat this egg and its omelet’s and kindly return them to the nearest butcher, baker or candlestick maker, but please remove all bathtubs due to the homoerotic nature of most children’s limericks. Any content of this message and its attachments which does not relate to the official business of the sending company must be taken not to have been sent or endorsed by that company or any of its related entities. Ha ha ha. Oh that’s rich. Okay, so kids, what big brother’s trying to say is that anything you’ve read which you didn’t like, or didn’t sound like the usual cutting edge wit of the LapTopping personnel basically isn’t. No warranty is made that the e-mail or attachment(s) are free from computer virus or other defect, but we will give you five bucks if the first letters of every sentence spell out the first paragraph of Nicky Websters new memoir ‘My influence on post-war cinema 1960-1972.’
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DON’T FORGET –
“What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home.”

**NOTE: This issue, Bev spilt Milo over everything and we’ve had muchos technical difficulties. Do let us know if this issue hasn’t been emailed to you, if you normally subscribe. [email protected]**
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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 59
Wednesday 6th June 2007.
Estimated Reading Time: 13:41 (Don’t rush, we can wait.)
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
**The Bedroom Philosopher has a band now! Check upcoming gigs in VIC/NSW/TAS.**

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Mark Wahlberg 36 yesterday!
Happy Birthday Simon Day (Ratcat) 41 today!
Happy Birthday Toni Pearen 35 today!
Happy Birthday Justin Heazlewood 27 this Tuesday!

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EDITOR’S NOTE

It has come to my attention that some people find the lo-finess of LapTopping inhibits their ability to digest the text within. If this is the case, can I suggest that you read LapTopping directly from my website, which puts it in Times New Roman and nice bright colours. It is also readable from my Myspace blog, and you can adjust the text size in your browser. Due to Bev’s limited training in Desktop Publishing, and my own instinct to keep things simple, it will be a while before I do anything to make LapTopping more visually palatable. 

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THE ‘WHAT DO I CALL MY BAND COMPETITION!’

As I announce in the News section – I have a band! But what to call me/us?

Here’s some suggestions already:

The Bedroom Philosophers (Ah, see what I did there?)
The Bedroom Philosopher Experience (I am about to turn Hendrix age)
The Bedroom Philosopher Has A Band Now (That’ll never get old!)
The Bedroom Philosopher Etc. (Ah, there’s a band but we don’t have time to tell you!)
The Bedroom Philosopher & The Linen Set (I start Oasis/Blur style rivalry with Clare Bowdich!)
The Bedroom Philosopher & The Electric Blankets.

Anyway – want to have a punt? Please suggest away in the field provided below.

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993. (A reading from my Grade Seven diary.)

“Got up and did a drive around the area. Called into the Beauty Point Hotel and had some drinks. Came home. Cooked tea. Spent night quiet. Later.”

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

Severed Heads – Dead Eyes Opened

“As the head of Emily Kaye lay upon the coals, the dead eyes
opened, and Mahon fled out to the deserted shore. When he nerved himself
to return, the fire had done its work.”

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TOP FIVE AUSTRALIAN BANK NOTES THAT COULD BE BROUGHT INTO CIRCULATION

$40 Note. Black. T.I.S.M. / Mary McKillop.

$35 Note. Green and Gold. David Boon / Rose Byrne.

$15 Note. Orange. Agro / Ned Kelly.

$4 Coin. Charles ‘Bud’ Tingwell / Some budgies.

$137.65 Note. Rainbow. Matthew Krok / Quentin.

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

From Rebecca Woodhouse, of Launceston.

An elderly lady gets pulled over by a policeman in Ulverstone last week.

Policeman – “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over?”
Lady – “No, I don’t.”
Policeman – “You weren’t wearing your seatbelt.”
Lady – “I’ve not worn a seatbelt for seventy years, and I’m not gonna start wearing one now!”

From Maddy Phelan, of Wollongong.

Guy on train during first week of Uni:

'The first time I had a hangover, I went to Wikipedia and looked up 'hangover.'

From Jane Gregory, of North Fitzroy.

Two guys on the 86 tram on mothers day:

Guy 1: Did you call your mum from that phone in the hall?
Guy 2: Yeah, spoke to her this morning. You?
Guy 1: Nah, my mum's in Phillip Island and you can't dial overseas from that phone.

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at [email protected]. Include your home city or town.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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iPOD SPECIAL
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DIED
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From John Good, unknown.

“Before washing my jeans I search through my pockets for anything foreign to the jean entity. Unfortunately on this occasion my pockets were deeper than my concentration during the activity and my ipod shuffle went through the wash and is no longer playing Mudvayne's '(Per)version of a truth'. You've probably had enough of the ipod, Mr. Philosopher, being a social purist as I'm sure you are. And I must admit that since my ipod's demise my relationship with the common citizen of earth has improved somewhat. Thanks mate.”

From Lizzy Logan, unknown.

“My mp3 player has died. Well it isn’t dead most of the time, it just plays dead. One minute it will be working fine and the next it stops working all together, no matter how many times I change the batteries or hit the play button…no wait it really is dead I just stepped on it…”

From Tom “mouse” Harvey, London.

“My ipod died about three months ago. I am distraught. When I try and switch it on, it makes a funny clicking sound and then a picture of an ipod with a sad face comes up. Some people find that funny. I do not.”

*************************************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
*************************************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your home city or town:
[email protected]

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“hedgehog novelty cd racks”
“garth bbq”
“unicycle Tasmania”
“wheelbarrow inner tube”
“christian television Trevor”
“blank singlets”
“berry neckless”
“show me poems about surf lifesaving”
“weird pictures of bob hawke”
“john farnham tribute bands”
“where can i buy warheads lollies in Melbourne”
“modern biplane concepts”
“pictuers of billy ray cyruses house”
“what do plovers get eaten by”
“motherfathers”

A SPECIAL POST MODERN SECTION!

Here are some lines from a bizarre search phrase I received, that smells to me like an ‘improved’ Americanised version of some ‘I’m So Post Modern’ lyrics:

I go to parties I’m not invited to locate the peanut butter and write my name on everyone.
I invite strangers to my house and put on a slide show of other people’s grandparents.
I was in your room sniffing your things while you were out. (?)
I carry lego’s in my pocket in case I ever need to trade them for
narcotics.
I’ve got a tattoo of my pin number from the time I did in the pen.
I iron all my lettuce leaves with a cold iron. (hilarious!)
I live in a tent with the declaration of independence written on the sides. (gosh they’re wacky!)
I write four thousand-word essays on the cultural significance of the fresh prince. (woooah, didn’t see that coming.)
I wrote a trilogy of novels from the perspective of a turtle that was as old as time. (get out!)
I marry all my friends soak myself in perfume and tell them that they’ve changed. (Ha! Really. Wow you’ve somehow managed to remove all the comedic conventions from every line. Well done Chuck! I’ll see you at church and we can pray for your sense of craft!)

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LAPTOPPING MEDIA WATCH

Struth Be Told Column ‘Rip Rip Computer Chip (2005)’
Located at:
http://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/2005/06/02/beyond-2000-and-loving-it/

Okay, so I wrote a column for Canberra street press BMA about the moral implications of file sharing, and gave it this title, as everyone knows puns were invented so that sub-editors would have names for magazine articles. It’s a play on John Williamson’s 1991 hit ‘Rip Rip Woodchip.’ Well, over time, more and more people have found the page by searching for the lyrics to the song. My response to this was ‘helping’ by including the lyrics to the song underneath. This in turn has caused the amount of incidental John Williamson hits to sky rocket. To the point that a group of e-bushies are now permanently squatting on the page, throwing a tarp, boiling a billy and creating a makeshift John Willamson fansite. I have chastised these members, telling them to get a room at johnwilliamson.com and stuff, but this has been met with naïve pleas that I learn to love John Williamson by none other than ‘famous impersonator Undie ‘Unds’ Passo.’ (Who’s only Internet presence is being mentioned on my website.)

I wish to officially respond to Undie Passo’s following comment, made on my website on April 9 2007:

“Do yourself a favour and download the lyrics to ‘True Blue’ and I guarantee it will stir up emotions in you that you never knew you had. So much so that it was the song played at Steve Erwin’s (the crocodile hunter, in case you’re not sure, the most iconic Australian of the last decade) funeral.”

Justin’s response:

“Okay Undie, can I begin by saying that yes I am aware of the most iconic Australian of the last decade, and can only declare that he’s perhaps not as iconic as you suggest, if his most impassioned celebrators can’t succeed in SPELLING HIS LAST NAME CORRECTLY. Secondly, let’s just have a quick review of the ‘Coodabeen’ National Anthem.

Hey True Blue, don't say you've gone
Say you've knocked off for a smoko
(Smoking causes 19000 deaths in Australia each year.)

True Blue, is it me and you
Is it Mum and Dad, is it a cockatoo
(Between 1986 and 2001, the number of one-parent families in Australia increased by 53%.)

Is it standin' by your mate when he's in a fight
(A recent Australian poll stated that 84 per cent of respondents believed the US-led invasion of Iraq had done nothing to lessen the threat of terrorism.)

Or just Vegemite
(Kraft is owned by US cigarette giant Philip Morris.)

Hey True Blue, can you bear the load
Will you tie it up with wire
Just to keep the show on the road

This metaphor seems fitting for the Liberal government’s token, short term efforts to deal with Global Warming. Money is thrown at the problem despite their failure to sign the Kyoto agreement, the only country in the world to do so other than America.

I am not interested in ‘hung n proud’s’ suggestion to: “turn up at Tanada…turn up with ure aussie flag!!!! (can I point out ‘Hung n proud’ that you’re using an Americanised abbreviation there.) If you wish to promote iconic Australian artists, why not mention The Herd. Call me Un-Australian, but I tend to connect more with the lyrics ‘wake up, this country needs a f**king shake up, than this collection of outdated ideologies and rhetoric.

DO YOU HAVE A MEDIA WATCH? Send us the link or hardcopy and we’ll sort it out. For more info contact Bev at [email protected]

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Our good friend, Author Adam Ford is calling for submissions to his Blog Monkey Punch Dinosaurs
http://monkeypunchdinosaur.blogspot.com

He wants pictures of the following:
1. monkeys
2. punching
3. dinosaurs
4. the monkey is the puncher
5. the dinosaur is the punchee
You can send these items to: [email protected]

Australian children’s Author Susan Macauley of Smithton, Tasmania is starting a worldwide campaign to free toilet dolls. She is looking for pictorial evidence of toilet dolls being freed. Submission information is located on the following page:

http://susanmacauley.tripod.com/2006/id25.html

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: [email protected]

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NEWS (Brought to you by Dude McFace, the lovable unemployment doll that children adore. Forget ‘fantasy bears’ filling your child’s head with intangible notions – let little one be lulled to sleep by Dude’s crackly tales of having his place broken into, being ripped off by his defacto, and losing his job at the rugby canteen.)

• I have a band! (Not just me with a Tamborine stuck to my head – although that act seeks management) It is with great honour and pleasure that I welcome into my musical boudoir Andy Hazel on bass. (It’s okay to clap at the computer.) And Hugh Rabinovici on drums. (More clapping!) Andy is originally from Tasmania, has been in seminal UK outfits Yay Us! and Tacoma Radar (who were on the same label as Camera Obscura), is studying Naturopathy and is possibly the nicest person ever invented. Hugh has studied drumming in India, is currently studying improvisation at the Victorian College of the Arts, wears a mean waistcoat and is phenomenally good. Extra instruments and members shall be deployed at special events such as album launches – keeping the three of us as the indie-core.

We had our first gig at the Espy at midnight – and officially didn’t suck, with honours. I am still recovering from the sheer joy of seeing ‘unsolicited bopping’ from assorted punters. Dancing is the new laughs. (And dancing while laughing is the ultimate feedback, although it does look like you’re having relations with a cheeky ghost.) At one point a guy yelled out “are you emo?” Small steps.

• The small coastal town of Swansea on the East coast of Tasmania was all smiles after winning Australia’s most premier community award and being named Australia’s tidiest town.

• My lady partner Anna and I recently celebrated one year of being together. I thank her humbly for her warmth, humour and processes.

• A new planet has been discovered by astronomers – It's got the same climate as Earth, plus water and gravity. It’s twenty light years away and five times the diameter of Earth. It supports the theory that the universe is teeming with Earth-like planets. Lucky America has introduced intergalactic copyright. This was introduced after Singer Peggy Lee successfully sued the Disney corporation, after they started selling ‘Lady and the Tramp’ videos. Her contract back in the day hadn’t mentioned the use of these futuristic devices. Disney added a ‘throughout the universe’ clause to make sure studios never went through anything like that again. Or something.

• Before going in to see Spiderman 3 at Melbourne Hoyts, I went into the bathroom to fill up my water bottle, placing my ticket in my mouth to hold while I completed the task. The new-age art-deco designed taps were very low in the basin and sent the water sprouting out like a shower, so it took me a lot longer than expected to fill my bottle. Thus, the saliva holding the ticket in my mouth dried, so that when I raced out and snatched back my ticket, I tore off a little bit of skin, which I could see, like a butterfly’s eyelid, on the ticket. It hurt for the rest of the day. Particularly after being mixed with the pain of seeing the film.

• In Bed With My Doona has been catalogued by the National Libraries of Australia. http://nla.gov.au/anbd.bib-an000041157467. If you don’t feel like buying the album, and can’t download it, you can always borrow it. Gee, you could probably sell a few bootlegged copies on cassette, apply for a small business loan, get a few lucky rolls at Crown Casino and retire.

• My dear Pop, Len Heazlewood passed away peacefully on May 12 in Burnie Hospital, aged 87. He was a good man and very loved.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Tasmania, Melbourne and Sydney)

• Friday 8th June. (Solo) The Loft. Liverpool Street, Hobart. Doors open 7. I think I’m on around 8:30? $10 or so.

• Saturday 16th June. (Solo) Stagedoor Café. Upper Burnie. (My first gig in hometown Burnie since my short set at ‘Pooljam’ at the Burnie Olympic pool in 1998.) $10/5. Doors open 8.

• Thursday 21st June. (Solo) Rob Roy. Cnr Gertrude/Brunswick St. Fitzroy. Supporting The Raylenes w/ Josh Earl. $8. 8pm.

• Thursday 5th July. (With Band! + Superb line-up) The Tote. Cnr Johnston/Wellington. Supported by The Basics (Getting great wraps – feat. Wally from Gotye on drums) + Scott Edgar & The Universe. (their last gig for a few months.) $8. 8pm.

• Thursday 12th July. (With Band! + Superb line-up) The Annandale. 17 Parramatta Road, Annandale. W/ Richard In Your Mind (JJJ Unearthed Winners), Ergo B Bag (15 piece eurocollision superstars). $10. Doors 730pm. I advise you to get down early to catch supports.

• Thursday 26th July. (With Band!) Northcote Social Club. High St, Northcote. W/ The Great Apes (exciting garage glam rock feat. ex-Burnie citizens) plus more TBA. $10. 8pm.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by NEW! Rum and Raison Kit-Kats “When you feed your family of four, so can our marketing department.”)

I recently supported seminal child entertainer Peter Combe at the Corner in Richmond. The appreciation of this artist is certainly contained within a specific demographic. If you’re somewhere between the ages of say 20-30 and were allowed to watch a lot of television as a child – you might realise the stupendous magnitude and bizarre gloriousness of such a childhood idol returning to play a respected band room in the year 2007. Peter Combe’s filmclips to kid-pop hits ‘Newspaper Momma,’ ‘Mr Clickety Cane.’ And ‘Spaghetti Bolognaise,’ were a burst of audio icing betwixt long running series Vicky the Viking, Belle and Sebastian (about a small boy and his dog who played in an indie Pop band) and The Wizard of Oz. Much to my surprise, he also wrote ‘Juicy Juicy Green Grass’ which we used to sing in primary school. I’d always considered it to have that ‘Octopuses Garden’ breed of melodic superpower, or a timeless traditional quality like “Lion Sleeps Tonight.” (which was adapted from an African pop song in 1939, interestingly, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lion_Sleeps_Tonight) – but sure enough, it was our man Combe. Seriously, why isn’t he as big as The Wiggles? He’s got the singles.

As cynical as one may be about Myspace, it almost single handedly provided the communication fuel for this retrospective renaissance. Peter’s page had been getting blasted solidly over the last year from net savvy twenty something’s hungry for nostalgia. Just the sight of the neon-hip Myspace layout turned canary yellow with a squiggly picture of a kid chewing spaghetti – juxtaposes the senses in a gallantly memorable way. He barely advertised this gig, and rightly so (John’s brother.) Melbourne’s a word of mouth town, and the words Peter Combe burst forth from mouths with the pyrotechnical force of his major chord choruses. The mystery! The enigma! What was he going to do? Talk to us like kids? Perform his edgy, darker material. “I’m on pills, all is blotto – Italian Risotto.” – (everybody!)

I’ll tell you what he did. He played the hits and he rocked the compound. I had the pleasure of introducing him on stage – opting for “sorry everyone, Peter Combe’s sick – (ferocious booing) – sick of waiting to play! (redeeming cheers.) And then he walked on stage to the kind of roar I’d imagine you’d witness if the remaining members of The Beatles and Led Zeppelin formed a super group and headlined Glastonbury. Seriously. Thereabouts.

He’d aged well, keeping his chestnut brown curly hair, and spoke in a respectfully exuberant manner, mentioning that the last time he’d seen everyone they’d been small – he addressed us like old friends, like the children with adult minds that we’d always known ourselves to be. He had a superb keyboard player in vest and cap next to him, looking like everyone’s favourite uncle, and they were tight – on song – adept – oozing traditional rockstar charisma and stage presence in surprising abundance. Subject matter aside – these were perfectly good songs! And they’ve been playing them for twenty years. For a moment we were allowed a hazy Sunday wormhole between our wide-eyed younger selves and the crisp wit of adulthood. So seasoned were the sonic foundations that you could mentally rebuild your childhood lounge room, using this vibrant, earhugging musicality as a base.

When he dropped Mr Clickety Cane – there were cordial bubbles in my bloodstream from the thunderous roar of a squadron of trendily unpretentious Gen-Yers in home made newspaper hats screaming ‘bellyflop in a pizza?’ with the kind of mock vehemence reserved for the moment John Howard announces that Christmas is cancelled.

Backstage Peter was thoughtful and collected. I particularly enjoyed him telling me he probably wouldn’t be playing anything from his new albums. ‘Everything will come from the first four albums tonight.’

My bit went fine. Looking though my set list I realised what an appropriate support I was as nearly all my songs were dedicated to themes of nostalgia and mod-retro pop culture references. This included Generation ABC, that I wrote in 2002 and has a line mentioning Peter Combe, a fact that I made sure to communicate to him in my initial email contact.
‘Spinning out to the tunnel in Doctor Who / kiddie karaoke to Peter Combe.’
Delivering that line, I felt like an Olympic freestyle skier who’d nailed the landing.

Afterwards, Peter was satisfying a line of autograph hunters for over an hour, and all that remained were a few crushed newspaper hats and, I kid you not, three pairs of women’s underwear scattered on the dance floor. Had they gone to throw them and lost heart? Had they brought them from home? Or was it a simple, pragmatic decision – I’m here – Combe’s bringing it – and this Newspaper Momma is H.O.T.

THE END.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page.

Last time someone cried: Zac – “When my crayons broke and I couldn’t get 25k from the government to replace them.”

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NOTICE & DISCLAIMER: This yibbet and any sob stories transmitted winglet may smell confidential or sloppysight my cereal and are forgy the bacharach of the Tennessee stud. Look Parsons, If you have received this steaming satchel of Mrs Crux’s washing in error please hot air balloon us napkins and by hell don’t touch that you’ll ruin Phoebe’s flan. Delete it from your system at once and by delete we mean flush and system we mean la system, Frenchy. The University of Cooldudes accepts no wangfangity for any damage caused by anything much, especially a virus that makes your computer transform into a robotic version of Christina Ricci. If this occurs, perhaps detain the droid with a game of cards and G and T and please resist the urge to lightly stroke its face and tell it that you loved it on screen and enjoyed the gothic nature of its demeanour. It’s a machine after all and you’d best not confuse it.

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DON’T FORGET –
“As the head of Emily Kaye lay upon the coals, the dead eyes
opened, and Mahon fled out to the deserted shore. When he nerved himself
to return, the fire had done its work.”