Author Archives: justin

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 54
Monday 11 September 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 10:56
dev2.topfive.com.au/
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
**NEW SOLO SHOW IN MELBOURNE FRINGE FESTIVAL SEP 29 – OCT 14!**
**Sydney gigs this week**
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ALOHA TEAM POOGLET!

“The other day I accidentally said ‘Simon and Garfield.’ What a pair. Imagine Paul Simon singing ‘The Boxer’ while the plump Jim Davis creation sleeps by his feet. The best artistic offshoot I can summon at 8:06pm on a Saturday evening is the idea of Bill Murray, the voice of the big screen feline having a depressive go at ‘Feeling Groovy’ al la his karaoke sojourn in Lost In Translations.”

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Moby 41 today!
Happy Birthday Harry Connick Jr 39 today!
Happy Birthday Fiona Apple 29 on Wednesday!

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POSITIONS VACANT

Are you good at web design? Have a knowledge of WordPress? Would you like to maintain The Bedroom Philosopher’s site? Do you know someone who might? Let us know. Apply within.

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RESPONES TO LAPTOPPING #53 “Moog Point.”

Elva Darnell: “You should be thanking me. I got through that entire email. Either that, or you should be recommending a good doctor, he charges a lot, but he's totally worth it, been going to him for years…”

Royce Hamel: “Is it just me, or are you that desperate for attention? sheesh.”

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ON THIS DAY IN 1996 (A reading from my grade ten diary)

“Seaworld! Very, very hot. Had to sit through dolphin show and boring talk on sea mammals. Went on Bermuda triangle, bit of a disappointment. Went on all other rides. Lost fairy floss on pirate ship! Water skiing display was all right, host had crap jokes tho.”

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

Daryl Braithwaite – “One Summer”

“One summer, I'll find a way-hay-ay-ay
One summer, will always remai-ai-ai-ain
One summer, remember the way-ay”

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TOP TEN ALTERNATE SITUATIONS TO SNAKES ON A PLANE
(to test: say ‘I want these motherf**ing (insert animal) off this mother fu**ing (insert place)

1 – Cats On A Hovercraft.

2 – Cows On A Bouncy Castle.

3 – Spiders On A Datsun.

4 – Ducks On The Wheel Of Fortune Wheel.

5 – Budgies On A Caravan.

6 – Emus On A Space Shuttle.

7 – Monkeys On A Zeppelin.

8 – Slugs On A Ferris Wheel.

9 – Unemployed On A Bus.

10 – Carneys On A Dinner Cruise.

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

From Dani Solomon.

“I work in a bookshop and thought you might like to know about one of my err 'peeps' (or customers if you will lol).

This woman was definitely one of my most memorable customers. She came in with her 13 yr old son in tow asking me if we had any books on puberty for boys, then in what was possibly the loudest whisper I've ever heard said 'he's just had his first wet dream the poor bugger I dunno what to tell him so I'm gonna get him a book. Do you have one with pictures, like photos, you know, so he knows what the words mean and what happened?' The poor kid was bright red.
Then (yes there's more) on the way out she saw David Pelzers biography, ‘A Boy Called It,’ on display. She picked it up and delightfully called out 'This was on TV! It's a story about his life! Oh I like True Fiction!'.

* * * * *

From Isaak Bovell, of Radelaide

Over heard by me, Isaak, being sad to a friend of mine, Ray, by a friendly looking man in hungry jacks in Adelaide:

"Have you ever seen a man skinned like a snake?"

* * * * *

From Eleanor, of Sydney.

Overheard on the 428 in Lewisham

Schoolboy thug #1: You know that footage of that girl crying after the 2004 grand final? Whenever I have a bad day, I go home and watch that and it makes me feel a lot better.

Schoolboy thug #2: Wow man, that's poetic.

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at [email protected]

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
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From Janet McLeod, of Melbourne.
“My NEC 51cm TV was a passed down to me by Mel Sargeant about 18 months ago after the death of my previous television. In the last few weeks the picture started disappearing down to a small strip across the middle of the screen before snapping back to full screen again. Last week I was trying to watch news reports of the Tasmanian miners emerging from their entrapment only the picture kept disappearing down to the small strip and staying that way. Everybody else was able to rejoice in the men being free except for me – they were still squashed into an unfeasibly small space on my television's screen.”
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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your location:
[email protected]

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Several phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“googy juice”
“widget the world watcher association”
“comedy and tragedy rings”
“justin will never be a rock star”
“second hand bed in Parramatta”
“i am a turnip”
“greasy chicken dance”
“shave down nude”
“xxx means platonic love”
“game played with champagne corks and cigarette boxes”
“castle struth”
“bogan -wikipedia mullet”
“really big squirrel”
“lovely thing”
“john phonze”
“skinny jeans Sydney”
“sandra sully hot pics”
“mark holden sucks”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND YOUR MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
It’s a game where you are a Yeti who hits a Penguin with a club. My record is 322.7 – I’d be very interested if you can beat it. (and don’t think I won’t ask for screen shots)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7ZA4gNtqnk
The original television commercial for the Commodore 64! (also has links to Pitfall material)

http://www.break.com/index/video_made_the_internet_star.html
If you haven’t seen this yet, please do. It’s the band Ok Go with one of the best treadmill dance based film clips you will ever see in your lifetime.

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: [email protected]

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Sydney & Melbourne)

• Tuesday September 12 – Supporting Tripod at University of Melbourne. North Court. Opposite Union House. If you know where that is can you tell me. 1pm. Free!

• Wednesday September 13 – Headlining at Comedy On The Rox. Roxbury Hotel. 162 St John’s Road, Glebe, Sydney. Unknown cost. Gig starts 8pm.

• Thursday September 14 – Headlining at Mic In Hand. Friend In Hand Hotel, Cowper St. Glebe, Sydney. $10. 8pm kick-off.

• Thursday September 21 – Performing at Love No. 9 VCA Benefit. Spanish Club, Johnston St, Fitzroy. $15. 7:30pm. Other acts include The Diamond Dolls, Wil Anderson and the wonderful man-kit of Sam Simmons. GIG HAS A DRESS THEME: Film Noir, 1940’s or burlesque.

• MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL FRINGE FESTIVAL – Friday September 29 – Saturday October 14 (NO show Mondays)– The Bedroom Philosopher in ‘Living On The Edge…Of My Bed.’ New solo show. $18.50/$15.50. 8pm. (7pm Sundays). The Loft Room – The Lithuanian Club, 44 Errol St, North Melbourne. If you can, you mostly should definitely come.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘Don’t put that near its bottom!’ a challenging new educational video game teaching children about the realities of farm life through an arcade style platform side-scroller. Help Captain Fingers and Katey the Robo-Kanga put all the animals back in their correct cages without waking irritable Farmer Gwen.)

LYRIC WORKSHOP

Here’s a new song called ‘Party In My Head’ it’s all about emotions and party habits. To me, it’s basically finished, but I’m mainly interested to hear if you think I may have missed the mark in any departments – or if something feels out of place – or if you have any suggestions of alternate emotions/human traits that I may have left out – or that should be paired up – or party behaviour. Any suggestions/feedback is welcome. It’s a pretty rocky song – more profound than hilarious. Apologies for bizarre formatting – plain text, more like pain text.

There’s a party in my head/
Not everyone’s invited/
It was supposed to be a small gathering/
Of my best emotions/
But confidence insisted on inviting along modesty/
And they know insecurity so now/
Every fu**ing inner loser is here/

Awkwardness asks intellect what she did at uni/
Cynicism makes fun of optimism’s dancing/
Anger and apathy have become the best of friends/
Lust and guilt have been up in the bathroom for ages/
Creativity and motivation turn up smashed/
They’re threatening to break up again, they do this every time/
High and low self-esteem both agree to a nudie run/
Loneliness lurks outside he’s made up his own drinking game for one/

In the kitchen earnestness grows jealous of irony/
He’s getting all the laughs but is really quite shallow/
Worry keeps trying to crack onto happiness/
Sadness says beware she is the yoko of emotions/
Shyness sends me a text she says she really wanted to make it/
Seems I hardly see her since she married fear/
Vagueness turns up late he thought there was a theme/
He’s dressed as a ninja pirate/
I’m really never sure exactly what vagueness is thinking/

There’s a party in my head/
Not everyone’s invited/
I’m so busy being host/
I’m having a sh*t time/
Despite having every song I’ve ever heard to choose from/
They’ve got Bon Jovi’s ‘Bed Of Roses’ on repeat/

BRIDGE

In the backyard there’s a smash/
Two rival gang’s have gatecrashed/
Memories bad and good/

Both stake claim to my state of mind/
But what they don’t realise/
Is that I need them both the same/

Forgiveness steps in/
And kicks everybody’s arse/

In the bedroom I can hear giggles and screams/
As subconscious plays the preview for tomorrow night’s dreams/
Addiction’s making punch out of all the dregs/
Inner peace says c’mon it’s time to leave fu**face/
Hindsight reckons parties were better back in his day/
Depression kindly reminds him that he’s full of sh*t/
Sensitivity’s spewing tears she’s had a bit much to think/
love holds the hair out of her eyes/

There’s a party in my head/
Not everyone’s invited/
Somehow I’ve got to fall apart to get myself reunited/

As I finally drift off to sleep/
Self-worth makes a speech to me/
I love you man/
You’re the best/
Sorry about the mess/

GOT A COMMENT ON LAPTOPPING?
Go to dev2.topfive.com.au/ and say things with words you bucket of ideas!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page.

Last time someone cried: Megan: “last night I was drunk by myself and dropped ravioli in tomatoey sauce on the white carpet and it’s not even my house.”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at dev2.topfive.com.au/
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
[email protected] with the subject line “Clarity starts at home.” We’ll be okay. Really.

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This email, and the email’s cousin and some dodgy guy called Fanger transmitted with it, are confidential from certain angles and upended solely for the mis-use of the thimble, wheelbarrow or relevant monopoly piece to whom they are undressed. If you are not the intended recipient, or you’ve never lived in recicicippi, or if you’re wearing cargo pants with a small animal in every pocket, you are not halfwitted to quarter, or peel this orange or even remove the pips of the offending ribena mascot or be allowed near the cricket nets after 9pm, or harbour any emotional attachments for larry emdur in any way. As men, we also request that you advise the sender of the incorrect addressing, the funny way their fringe sits, the way they say ‘often’, and the fact they own a jamiroquai album.

This e-lozenge has been virus-sucked. Although no computer viruses or billy ray cyruses were detected, the Wynyard state library accepts little responsibility, as we’re only small. If you have been sent this by mistake, then assume that you’re to blame, and begin your own comfortably familiar guilt routines. Statistics suggest that you are the egg man, although we accept no responsibility for any delusions of walrusness.

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DON’T FORGET –
“One summer, I'll find a way-hay-ay-ay
One summer, will always remai-ai-ai-ain
One summer, remember the way-ay”