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Author Archives: justin
19th Dec 2005 – Local Laughs – St Kilda, Melbourne.
Dave Callan Mcing – $7. Night starts 8:30pm. The Local. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel Streets, St Kilda. LAST MELBOURNE GIG THIS YEAR!
Aloha Tiggerfolk!
Play the new game:
ROCK STAR!
BAND NAME!
HIT SINGLE!
How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)
B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here:
http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.
C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in your entries in this format.
Name: Justin Marcus Heazlewood
Rock star name: Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
Band name: Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr.
Hit Single: “Come play on Thursday.”
Leave your entries in the ‘Comments’ section at the end of this News brief!
NEWS (brought to you by ‘Optimus Prime’s’ stunning new acid jazz album ‘Fold me into a truck, milady.’ Even the most decepticonic of critics are raving. Let this challenging collection of saxophone and vocoder anthems ‘transform’ you.)
• I’ll be returning to Melbourne for three days on the 17th. Then off to Tasmania for a week on the 20th. Then I’ll be playing at the Tasmanian Falls Festival, before returning to Sydney for at least a couple of weeks.
• The Ronnie Johns Half Hour is resting, after having six episodes aired. The Christmas episode, of which I wrote the ‘photocopier whisperer’ sketch, will be repeated on Christmas day – and then the rest of the series will follow – I think. The show has rated well – moving up to 500, 000 viewers for the last episode. There’s no news of a second series, as yet. We are, however, talking seriously about contacting an acting agency for TV monkeys.
* After two attempts, I have retired as ‘warm-up guy’ for the Ronnie Johns live nights. My second stint began spiritedly, but soon dissolved into a fringe stroking confidence implosion – involving me hiding behind one of the television monitors and trying to disappear like Cat Power does at her gigs. My own personal ‘jumping the shark’ moment was when I’d abandoned any sense of ‘sport’ to determine which audience members ended up with items from the box of merchandise I had, and was just handing/hurling out Channel Ten pens and X-Factor CD wallets. At one point, after sending a barrage of objects into an unlit section of the audience, I hit a woman square in the face with an Australian Idol hardcover notebook and pen set. To make up for the blunder, I ensured she was renumerated with a CD-wallet, glowstick and a large quantity of pens. I’m thinking I would have been a good warm-up guy for a show like ‘Party of Five.’
• I received this poem from a fan called ‘James’:
If you’re depressed:
your really good
If cos your famous your now stuck up:
you suck.
* I attended the Triple J Christmas party in Sydney recently. My first conversation with anyone went like this:
Me: Do you know who won the J-award?
Guy: Wolfmother
Me: Damn, I really wanted Claire Bowditch to win. So what’s the J-award for, best album or best band?
Guy: Best album I think.
Me: Right. So have you heard the Wolfmother album?
Guy: Yeah. I’m in Wolfmother, so I’ve heard it quite a lot.
* ‘I’m So Postmodern’ will be in the Triple J Hottest 100 list again this year! Last year the song made it to #180 with only two months of being played – it’s been requested heavily this year and a similar campaign will be launched to vote in next LapTopping in early January. Voting begins January 1.
* I’ve written a couple of new songs lately. ‘Blue Chords’ is about lay-bying a pair of blue cords from Revolver. ‘Tessa the Hairdresser’ was kinda abandoned after an enthusiastic first verse and chorus. As was my prototype Christmas anthem ‘The whole world’s f*ucked’ written at six in the morning after a bender at the Town Hall Hotel. While in ‘Circus Bear,’ I’m going for the world record for saddest comedy song ever written. The ‘memory from the 80’s and early 90’s song’ that many of you contributed has reached its first draft stage! Next issue I shall splash it out and see what you think.
* Recommended website – www.one.org. You can save the world Pooglet. After this, you can have a giggle at: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29830 – tip-off courtesy of Leigh Rigozzi.
LapTopping – 46 – “Coloured Popcorn”
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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 46
Wednesday December 14 2005
Subscribers: 1000 (We’ve sort of lost count but let’s celebrate!)
Estimated Reading Time: 9:58
dev2.topfive.com.au/
**LapTopping acknowledges the recent double-blow of V.S.U. legislation being abolished and Kevin McQuay AKA Big Kev passing away. The world needs ‘goo remover’ now, more than ever. **
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LT BIRTHDAYS!
Happy Birthday Nostradamus 501 today!
Happy Birthday “Stone Cold” Steve Austin 40 Saturday!
Happy Birthday Brad Pitt 41 Saturday!
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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)
“Silly day! I really like Sarah. She never lets on who she likes though. Came home. Watched cricket. Australia cained. Spent night quiet. Okay?”
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JUSTIN’S EMOTIONAL 1000th SUBSCRIBER SPEECH!
Hyper-fabulous greetings, my gorgeousational
(And the plank has a microphone at the end of it.)
May your bon-bon jokes not rely too much on word play and your new year’s eve champagne launch optimistic bubbles into the cosmos. Love Just.
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THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S CHRISTMAS KIT!
You can have a personalised copy The Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album “In Bed With My Doona” posted directly to a cherished friend or confused enemy! It’s easy.
1 – Email [email protected] with your friend’s name and address.
2 – We’ll sign it, gift wrap it, add your message and post it to them in time for Christmas.
3 – We’ll email you bank details so you can deliver the money in an e-paper bag to our ‘electronic carpark’ ie Justin’s bank.
OR alternatively – you can have the personalised album posted to you. They are $25 including postage and nerves.
What a yooneek gift idea!
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ROCK STAR!
BAND NAME!
HIT SINGLE!
(To find out how to do them go to: http://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/news/)
(rock star name is nan or pop’s name-second pet’s name and second street name
Band name is an anagram of your name
Hit single is a fragment of a text message)
Name: Adam Ross Ford
Rock star name: Danny-Dexter Drummond.
Band name: Danny-Dexter Drummond and the Odd Mars Afros.
Hit Single: “Your Optus Prepaid Credit Card Recharge Number.”
Name: Tamara Elizabeth Nicholson
Rock star name: Steddy-Harry Marian
Band Name: The Nil-Size Alabama Hot Corns
(yes it's another THE band…)
Song: Anita and I
Name: Klare Lanson
Rock star name: Dorothy-Chippy Bells
Band Name: Snorkel Anal
Hit Single: u betcha 🙂
Name: Renee Kathleen Turner
Rock star name: Kath-Lucifer Gourlay
Band name: Earthen Kernel Rue Ten
Hit Single: "Deviantly tepid regards"
Name: Stephen Barker
Rock Star Name: Robert-Billie Dangar
Band Name: Nether Kerb Spa
Hit Single: 'No Pilates tomorrow'
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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE
“A pregnant cat is a gift that keeps on giving”
– Dion McCall
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FIFTEEN THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TYPED INTO GOOGLE TO LAND ON MY WEBSITE:
“jarvis tubular”
“professional spankees”
“burnie bogans”
“home and away alf homosexual”
“little speedos nippers”
“learn to play bowls canberra”
“captain and tinea”
“side swept fringe”
“bohemian fart”
“pictures of joan jett shaving her head”
“i ve had so many opportunities i hate myself”
“googy eggs”
“guru josh gigs”
“daniel kitson self indulgent”
“second hand mattress canberra”
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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
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From Tai Snaith, of Melbourne.
“Today the plastic bin at work died. It was by no means a dramatic or painful death, which is good. I noticed he fell quiet and a little sullen towards the end of the evening as we continued to scrape fish bones and half-eaten sticky rice into his final lining.
It was only when Sheriff (the dishwasher) was completing his final chores for the end of the night pack-up that we all noticed he had passed away. As Sheriff gently lifted the bag up to tie it in a knot the bin got stuck and then, we all seemed to stop in our tracks as we saw it; his base hanging open, revealing a gaping hole that looked just like a big grin.
We rolled him out the back to where the toilet used to be before it got bulldozed. He lay there in the mud and rubble, next to the broken mop as the drizzle settled on his greasy skin. We all shared a beer that a customer on table 16 had left in the fridge as a final farwell.
-RIP- The Bin At Work- remembered fondly as the quiet lynch pin of the kitchen.”
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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]
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STORYTIME (Brought to you by “The Big Jenga” a initiative of the Tasmanian Government in conjunction with Gunns Forestry Ltd. We plan to build a Jenga tower from King Billy Pine that can be seen from space. Countries will then be invited to ‘compete’ in a game of Jenga by flying specially fitted helicopters. The amount of casualties from the event is expected to create over 10, 000 new hospital jobs by 2009)
JUSTIN’S TRIPOD TOUR REPORT CHAPTERS 5-11.
Some more reports from, what I’ve already said to someone over beers was ‘quite possibly the best two weeks of my life.’
PART FIVE – YONNY PLAYS HIS FIRST GAME OF YAHTZEE
Having been warned of the six hour trips in the tour van, I took along my authentic Heazlewood family edition of Yahtzee, complete with pre-loved score sheets, featuring games by my Mum, Nan and Pop and Uncles in the mid-70’s. The long trip from Port Hedland to Broome was the right time to bring it out. Yonny was the most unfamiliar with this game, but soon picked it up. He also picked up not one, but TWO Yahtzee’s. Anyone in the Yahtzee community will appreciate what a fine feat this is. He ended up dominating on a score of around 350. I suggested he might be a hussler, and that we could make a film ‘white men can’t roll.’ He celebrated with a round of service-station grade beef jerky, which we had all took a shining to by around day nine of the tour.
PART SIX – PORT HEDLAND IN GENERAL
We arrived bleary and thirsty to Port Hedland, a rather long way north of Karratha, to see that the blackboard marquee denoting ‘TRIPOD’ had been ‘key-lined’ by a deviant finger. (On their weekly events board, they’d also made the typo ‘Thrusday.’) Everything at the Pier Hotel, where we performed was painted a rustic, red dirt colour, because of the frequent dust storms in the area. It was an open air, outdoor venue, with a large, hexagonal, metal, rustic, Dr Whoish ‘pod’ for the D.J. to hide in. In conjunction with this were a number of signs clearly stating that ‘the D.J. does not take requests, under any circumstances.’ We were beginning to debate the integrity of the clientele when we were informed that the place allegedly held the world record for the most stabbings in a pub. This was mostly in the 1970’s when a lot of Italian miner’s came over and knifed everyone. Suffice to say, I stepped up on stage that night with a fascinating level of apprehension. The Feng Shui was a bit off as well, with the stage facing away from where the majority of punters were sitting. It was probably my least successful gig. At one point, I actually did a joke where I said ‘this is my impression of harmonica lewinski’ and started performing fellatio on my harmonica. Tripod impressed the rowdy crowd – at one point I heard a bloke say ‘these c*nts are drinking crownies, no wonder ticket prices are so high.’ An entirely magic moment occurred when, during the song ‘Lingering Dad’ which ends with Yon singing the theme from M*A*S*H, a helicopter actually flew over the venue!
PART SEVEN – WHAT’S GOING ON IN ESPERENCE?
Tripod’s logo, as you may or may not know, is a three legged dog. Towards the tail end of their set, a local chap wandered in front of the stage holding a three legged dog. At first, this was relatively well received by the crowd and band. He then said words to the effect of ‘now I’ll show you his fourth leg’ and then began to ‘manipulate’ the dog. He was eventually ‘urged’ off by onlookers. At the same gig, the Tripod lads battled with a small patch of ridiculously vocal surf munters, who kept requesting an ‘ode’ to their friend called “Linton the chronic bionic robot.’ Tripod, to their credit, eventually obliged – but I’ve got a feeling the surf munters were still too busy requesting the song to actually listen to it.
PART EIGHT – MISTAKEN IDENTITY IN KALGOORLIE
Kalgoorlie was the last show on the tour. It was also the only one that I didn’t sell any CD’s at. I sensed this ‘anti-philosopher’ sentiment when I walked out after the gig and heard a guy say ‘yeah they were better than that first guy.’ At first I thought maybe he was doing a ‘I saw you coming and wanted to joke around.’ But I quickly realised he couldn’t see me and was just commenting honestly to his mates. At the merch desk, a lady looked at Scod, then at me, and revealed that when I’d come out on stage she thought I was Scod in a wig.
PART NINE – UNTITLED
Much later, in a pub in Kalgoorlie, I pashed a girl that I had only just met, and then had her virtually admit to being disappointed in me. She kept on drunkenly moving my glasses up onto my forehead, and at one point ‘rescheduled’ my hair. Later, she went to the toilet and insisted on taking my glasses with her. (I am extremely short sighted and quite useless without visual aid) I protested at first, but then gave in. She was gone at least fifteen minutes, during this time, I stood alone in the pub, gazing around, sipping my beer, contemplating the reality that she was a local, had stolen them for a joke, and was not coming back. She eventually did – improving the situation marginally.
PART TEN – THE NEVERENDING STORY
The biggest gigs we did were two nights at the ‘Fly by Night club’ in Fremantle. This is an old world war two aircraft hanger that has been turned into a beautiful, spacious venue. It also has two massive ‘moon faces’ hanging from the roof, either side of the stage. In what was probably my favourite gig moment all tour, I was able to make reference to ‘The Neverending Story’ and say that I felt like Atreyu when he has to walk between those two cliff faces and not get zapped, and that the gig was like that for me and I had to be careful not to be killed by the white hot lasers of my own self doubt. On the second night in particular, of those two gigs – the crowd roared.
PART ELEVEN – BYE PEMBERTON
Half-passed out, I threw up on my pillow. In the morning I spent a few minutes debating whether it was overly zealous to warn the hotel cleaners. They seemed to appreciate the tip-off.
THE END.
Note: A majority of the tour stories, mainly those concerning the X-Box games Halo 2 and Soul Calibre 2 have been omitted, due to the highly demanding nature of sort of needing to know the games to appreciate the tales.
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: Rach – “I watched the episode of M*A*S*H when Henry gets sent stateside. It made me cry like a baby. I’m thinking that I have to stop getting emotionally involved with characters from TV repeats. Meh, oh well.”
Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed at dev2.topfive.com.au/
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”
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IMPORTANT
This information is transmitted for the intention of the um…recipient….hang
on..that doesn’t look right….hey Tony….excuse me…sorry…I was just
wondering…well….like….why do we have this message….if….i mean…if
you are sent this email..then…doesn’t that make you the intended
recipient? Yeah…..oh….okay….because of viruses…and……yeah..i just
thought that….hmmm……okay….yep…..sure….no worries….. If you have
received this email in error then….hmmm…..aaah….tony…..yeah sorry
to bother you mate….i was just ….well…this one about receiving the
email in error….well….how would you know if you’ve been sent it
in error if it’s in your inbox?….yeah…..no, but ho…..wha…..hmmm…….yeah…..oh
okay….so if if made no sense to you….or if your name wasn’t on…..yeah…..right….it’
s a bit like that warning for pirated videos isn’t it…you know the
one…..have you got what you paid….yeah that one….no?……oh fair
enough…..i just thought cos……how are you supposed to know whether
you’ve received…..yeah, yeah I kno
w cos your name’s not on the……but anyway….just thought it was interesting…..you got plans for new year’s?
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16th Dec 2005 – SISTA SHE FUNDRAISER, @NEWTOWN
Supporting Sista She plus other rocking ladeez, raising money for their Adelaide Fringe season. Sista She are AMAZINGLY good, if you haven’t seen them before. I will be whipping out a brand new ‘Christmas Song’ of some description! @Newtown/Petersham RSL. Enmore Road, Newtown. Friday 16th December. Doors open 7pm. Gig starts 9pm. $15/$12. Should be a great night.
6th Dec 2005 – Hopetoun Hotel, Surry Hills, Sydney.
An acoustic night with a couple of other acts including ‘Matt Downey’ and ‘Jamie.’ I’m on 9-9:30pm. Doors open 8pm. $6. Hopetoun Hotel, 416 Bourke Street, Surry Hills.
The ‘Blasko-Zone’ (2005)
I watched the ARIA’s recently with my usual mix of gentle jealousy and hormonally creative fascination at the hypothetical plethora of deluxe flirting opportunities one could encounter at an after party with Australian music royalty. I mean, I’ve never been to one – but could easily imagine myself swaying nervously in a darkened corner, flicker-peeking at Sarah Blasko and constructing tenuous blueprints of a plan to intercept her on the way to the bar and ask her whether she had listened to my album which I eerily gave her while backstage at the Tasmanian Falls Festival this year.
Here is a brief script of the conversation. The setting is, Sarah, (I suffer from delusions of first name basis) after just having performed, is chatting to band mates and packing her car ready to leave. I have just walked all the way back from my tent where I changed from shorts into pants on a thirty-five degree day in the hope it would make me look more intriguing. I am standing in bare feet with clip-on sunglasses and turbo ruffling my hat-flattened hair, frozen in fear, clutching my album and swivelling like a nerd-compass, so that at any given time, my vision is within forty-five degrees of the ‘Blasko zone.’
After realising I’d been staring at her for thirty minutes, that she was about to leave, and swallowing a shot of adrenalin cordial –
Justin: Hey sarah, great set.
Sarah: Thanks.
Justin: (Having exhausted all prepared material) Uh. It was good.
Sarah: Yeah it’s a great venue.
Justin: I’m playing. I’m a comedian. I’m on later. I do musical comedy. Uh.
Sarah: Great.
Justin: I’d like you to have my album.
Sarah: Thanks.
Justin: Okay. Have a good one.
She accepted the unit – possibly placed it in some kind of nifty satchel, rejoined her long term acquaintances, and stepped out into the minimally seething paddock of Tasmanian rock festival gregariousness. I turned to my friend Josh and made a droll expression with my eyebrows – Justin code for “what have I become?”
It’s been nearly two years since that exchange, and there has still been no e-response. I feel sorry for Sarah. I understand her pain. I can clearly see her sitting at her PC, sipping chamomile tea, anxiously wriggling bohemian toes inside indie slippers of some variety, drafting emails to me that she’s never quite happy with.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 2006 12:20 PM
Subject: Hi you creep.
Message: Hi Justin. Look, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you play at the Falls Festival. I was off watching the beautiful girls, or someone – I can’t remember – some real musician, anyway. If your set was anything like your album, it’s probably better that I didn’t see it. I understand from some of the writing I’ve seen on your website that you might have a crush on me. I just wanted to nip that in the bud and say that I don’t think we’re compatible. Musically, I create effortlessly palpable soundscapes marinated with majestic arrangements and heart floodingly urgent melodies propelled by my laserflower fresh voice and emotionally accurate lyrics. You sound like a pre-sexual scrabble champion, who’s found a bunch of guitar chords in a Christmas bon-bon. Even if you totally switched genres, and were the lead singer/songwriter of an indie bohemian artrock outfit called ‘The tea bag rockets’ sounding like Sleepy Jackson meets Air meets The Flaming Lips, it would still be too late. Your wayward comedy fumblings have left an unsettling magnetic stain on the ipod of my memory.
Cheers,
Sarah.
Welcome Pixel Cutey! Play my new game ROCK STAR NAME! BAND NAME! HIT SINGLE!
How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)
B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here: http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo/
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.
C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in your entries in this format.
Name: Justin Marcus Heazlewood
Rock star name: Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
Band name: Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr.
Hit Single: “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in to Bev at: [email protected] and we’ll publish them!
(brought to you by Fugretch Caravan Park and Holiday inn, now with new improved games room. We’ve turned an old tumble dryer into a ‘mini-gravatron’ for the kids!)
• I have successfully relocated to Sydney. Tremendous gratitude must go to Fiona Scott-Norman who connected me to her friend with a lovely housing commission place in Alexandria. It is $30 a week. Thanks be to Killer Kilmurray, who put me in touch with a guy who needs to stay in my room in Melbourne roughly the same amount of time I need to be in Sydney. I’m paying $30 a week to live in two cities at once. I can never complain again, ever.
• I regret to announce that Writing Beard has been axed. Bedroom Philosopher executives said that due to a ‘bald patch that just wouldn’t go away,’ the facial hair was losing ratings in the key ’25 year old Tasmanian’ demographic. Beard fans can seek solace in the fact that the spin off series Wispy Moustache has had it’s contract renewed.
• The show is rating well. Last week we beat Merrick and Rosso in Melbourne. One week we picked up 100, 000 viewers. It wasn’t axed, just resting because of the soccer. Sketches I’ve had in so far include: Social suicide bomber (which the Herald sun declared as one of the worst sketches, while panning the show), Chicken Parmajana’s (which two people have said were ripped off from Shaun Micallef. I have no idea, any light on the matter would be appreciated), Grand-dad’s ashes cricket game, Chopper weather (co-written), Nihilist Aerobics/comedy night (the moody german dudes), Inner monologue (homeless, pizza, Christmas, co-written), improved bon-bon’s (coming up), bad comedian Olympics. The last show is this Wednesday, it takes a break until February I think.
• I’m trialling as the warm up guy on live nights. A live night is where they film a few sketches in front of a studio audience, and show them prepackaged sketches for them to laugh at. I’ve done it once so far. It was easily the hardest two hours of my life. Anyone who’s seen me perform will appreciate how perilous it is at the best of times, imagine me with an earpiece in one ear listening to the director, running my own ‘over their heads’ festival, while waving a bag of Australian idol glowsticks and Neighbours mugs in front a sea of pawing hands. At one stage I said ‘It was remembrance day today and I forgot the minute’s silence – and my pop was in the war,’ A young guy chirped ‘why don’t you have a minute’s silence now?’ He earned himself an ill fitting channel 10 T-shirt
• I am making good money for the first time in my life. It has not changed me, just allowed me to buy myself new basic things like expensive walking shoes, Tontine pillows, a guitar tuner and a leather wallet. I am at a critical level of risk of losing my newstart poverty-chic street cred.
* I was recently offered a complimentary full body massage by the good people at BODYINC. They are very good. Sommerset Gordan Place 24 Little Bourke St Melbourne. They have a jacuzzi, heated pool and sauna. Why not treat yourself? Call 03.9654 8829. (I’d never had a professional massage so I left my bathers on underneath my towel – I don’t think you’re meant to do that)
* Recommended website – http://www.nakedfella.com/animation/mrflig/ – David Blumenstein’s brilliantly hilarious animation series. (requires flash)
LapTopping – 45 – “Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr”
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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 45
Monday 21st November 2005
Subscribers: 987
Estimated Reading Time: 11:42
dev2.topfive.com.au/
**LAST SYDNEY GIG FOR THE YEAR THIS THURSDAY**
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LT BIRTHDAYS!
Happy Birthday Bjork 39 today!
Happy Birthday Harold Ramis 60 today!
Happy Birthday Scarlett Johanson 20 tomorrow! (For crying out loud…)
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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)
“NICK BIRFTY. Nick opened presents. Got guitar stand, watch, poster, Metallica tape. Nigel came over. We raged around house. Had cool party dinner. Left at 7:00. Came home. Watched movie.”
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FRESH STATS:
IT’S: 7:43pm
I’M DRINKING: A combo of lukewarm coffee dregs, lukewarm water dregs and lukewarm pulpy orange juice dregs.
I JUST STARED AT: A Sunkist brand hand held fan and toy squeaky shark sitting on my desk – children of the ‘$2 strange item’ buying rampage I went on yesterday at ‘Daily Gift’ the asian ran oddment bizarre near my house.
MY HAIR: A little deflated. A helmet of flop. Although the last haircut was the best one I’ve had in years. (The Barbaria in Surry Hills)
PIMPLES: Had a Mount Kilimanjaro of concern on my elbow. Horrendous positioning. Bathroom squeezities has seen to it.
MUSIC CHOICES: Getting into ‘The Bees’ today. ‘Elbow’ is currently belting my mood around with a frozen bread bag of ambience. Think I might go some ‘Lemon Jelly.’
I AM: Metaphorically playing the pinball machine of ‘Lost in translations.’
LAST TIME I CRIED: Last Saturday – lying on my bed, hungover. Before that, at Eels concert as E played my favourite Eels song, ‘daisies of the galaxy.’ (First time I’ve cried at a gig)
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NEW GAME!
ROCK STAR!
BAND NAME!
HIT SINGLE!
How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)
B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here: http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo/
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.
C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in your entries in this format.
Name: Justin Marcus Heazlewood
Rock star name: Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
Band name: Simultaneous Chow Daze Jr.
Hit Single: “Come play on Thursday.”
Send in to Bev at: [email protected] and we’ll publish them!
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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE
“Don’t muck about.”
– Winston Churchill.
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BOTTOM FIVE WORST JOKES I JUST MADE UP
9995 –
Q. What’s old, forgetful and can play all your favourite mp3’s?
A. iPop.
9996 –
Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Australia’s new sedition laws.
Australia’s new sedition laws who?
Stop asking questions.
9997 –
Q. What’s red white and blue and lays in bed all day?
A. A depressed writer wrapped in a French flag.
9998 –
Q. How many eddie maguires does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Dunno. He was about to change it and then they went to an ad break and I just got sick of the whole friggin thing.
9999 –
Q. What’s blue, chunky, and takes ages to load?
A. A commodore 64 wearing a denim jacket.
10000 –
Q. What do you get if you cross experimental jazz ballet with sylvia plath?
A. An arts grant.
10001 –
Q. What contains 25% real fruit juice and is dangerous?
A. Mark ‘Popper’ Reid.
(jokes for people who call popper’s other things)
Q. What contains 25% real fruit juice and throws tantrums all the time?
A. A prima donna.
Q. What’s Dr Suess’ favourite drink that contains 25% real fruit juice?
A. Fruit box in socks.
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NEW GAME NUMBER TWO!
RIDICULOUS SKETCH IDEA
Send in a fairly brief rundown for a sketch. You may contain dialogue, but aim to keep it snappy. The only criteria is that it must be ridiculous. Each issue we’ll publish one and I will PITCH your ideas at the next Ronnie John’s script meeting. You will be given full credit for your idea. Payment will be succinct feedback on how your sketch was received and when it will be aired. You will also get a Bedroom Philosopher T-shirt. (when I make them)
e.g. RUBIK’S PUBE
A man is holding a small ball of multi coloured, curly hairs. A girl asks him what it is. He says ‘I dunno, it’s a puzzle I got for Christmas called the ‘Rubik’s Pube.’
(This is a sketch of mine that has been rejected)
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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
*****
From Hugh McGinlay, of Melbourne.
“Sam the non-stick saucepan was tragically taken from us 28 May 2005, before his time. Sam was a hard worker, being the only saucepan in Erika's house. I knew him only briefly, cooking noodles with him once before he tragically boiled dry, leading to a painful death. Sam is survived by Wendy Wok.”
From Kelly Chandler, of Melbourne (nee Vanuatu)
“My french-english power adaptor. the conduit of much pleasure, this device has delivered Radio Australia and the BBC world service for nine months and has been entombed after serving up one too many early-morning electric shocks.”
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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]
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LET'S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.
A new metaphysical poem in response to the Australian Government’s new sedition laws:
Crudly
Dudley
Sat
On
His
head
Crudly
Dudley
Has
A
Cat
called
burp
scones
Bendy
Wendy
Is
his
groom
My
piggy
ate
A
Fluff
And
We
Went
To
hospitaL
(no part of ‘Let’s Get Metaphysical’ may be reproduced without prior knowledge of the highlight, copy and paste tools on your home computer, or fancy new fangled Japanese polar fleece)
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HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)
In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.
From the synesthesically fascinating Hayley Berger of an unknown origin!
Five things that make me happy:
1. Eating pie. Apricot pie, but not in slices it has to be one of those mini pies and with big bits of apricot stuck right in there. Not too much "apricot jelly pie filling stuff" please. sugar on top is also very tasty and makes me happy.
2. Sleeping in just the right amount of time so that when you wake up you feel just a little lazy and warm and you know you haven’t slept so long that you get caffeine withdrawals while you are still sleeping and wake up with a headache.
3. Singing songs about my blue fluffy slippers loudly (with dance movements) while other family members are in the same room trying to watch tv.
4. Zines because they are pretty even if they aren't.
5. Hugging my little baby tight and calling him "aka-chan" which means baby in japanese (NB. my baby is a little kitty and he is all gingery and cute. his meows are breaking at the moment and sometimes they sound manly like MEOOWW and sometimes they sound all little and cute like MEW!!! my baby's name is Alice and he is a boy – i think he may have a complex. but then again alice cooper turned out ………….i think my baby may have a complex)
LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except burgundy)
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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Sydney)
• Thursday 24th November – HEADLINING AT MIC IN HAND. Friend in Hand Hotel, Cowper Street, Glebe, Sydney. Night starts 8:30pm Me on about 9:30ish. $10 suggested donation. Probably my last Sydney gig this year.
NOTE: All gig information is barely correct at time of printing.
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STORYTIME (Brought to you by “The Biggest Emotional Loser.” We’ve taken twelve artists susceptible to depression and sent them speed dating. Watch as these frail puppies play all kinds of manipulative mind games to shed their precious amounts of self-worth. SBS, Tuesdays at 1:14am)
JUSTIN’S TRIPOD TOUR REPORT CHAPTERS 1-4.
Preface: In late August I went on a tour of regional W.A. with musical comedy trio, Tripod. I have been huge fans of theirs since I saw them on Recovery re-enacting “Aqua doing Firestarter by Prodigy and Prodigy doing Barbie Girl by Aqua.” They are absolutely brilliant gentleman. I had a terrific time. Most of my spots went really well. I played for thirty minutes before them each night. We did eleven gigs in two and a bit weeks. Here is a brief rundown of some of the highlights in no order:
PART ONE – GETTING IN A STRANGE FIGHT WITH A GIRL IN KARRATHA.
(I sneak out for a ciggie after my set. A girl approaches me and says she’s from Hobart)
Girl: Can I have a sip of your crownie?
Me: Sure.
Girl: (after taking sip) I’ve got herpies of the mouth.
Me: Oh.
Girl: Do you want your drink back?
Me: Not really.
(later)
Girl: You’re arrogant, you come here and you judge us because we’re from Karratha.
Me: No I don’t. What have I done?
Girl: It’s in your body language, the way you just stand there.
Me: I’m not doing anything.
Girl: You think you’re better than me.
Me: No I don’t.
(I walk off, offended)
CHAPTER TWO – SCOD AND I GOING OUT FOR A BOOGIE IN KARRATHA AND ME FINDING ONE REMOTELY INDIE LOOKING GIRL AND GETTING EXCITED.
(Scod and I are grooving away. I spy a remotely indie looking girl with long brown hair, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I couldn’t decide what to wear.’ I am impressed. I relay this to Scod who suggests I try something or other. I do.)
Me: (Having monogrooved my way in her general vicinity.) Hey, great shirt.
Girl: Thanks.
Me: Did you make it?
Girl: Yeah.
(She seems disappointed and moves away from me. I return to Scod and analyse the conversation. We decide that ‘Did you make it?’ was a bad second line.)
CHAPTER THREE – GATESY RELAY’S THE CONVERSATION’S IN THE TOILETS AFTER MY BROOME GIG.
(I’ve just played at the Diver’s tavern in Broome. While I expect the gig to not go very well, it is my best on tour so far. The crowd are completely into me. ‘I’m So Over Girls’ gets the best reaction, and I totally rethink a few clichés I may have been incubating.)
Gatesy: Hey, these blokes were talking about you in the toilet’s.
Me: Yeah?
Gatesy: One of them says ‘I’d rather listen to someone like him than Rodney Rude.’
Me: Oh wow, that’s fu#kin great!
Gatesy: The other guy says, yeah he had a real Triple J vibe about him. And the other guy says ‘what, you mean a good head for radio?’ and the bloke goes ‘nah.’
CHAPTER FOUR – A KID IN BUNBURY ASKS TRIPOD TO SIGN A BURNT CD
Moments after coming out of ‘Wedding Crashers,’ we were all sitting in a little café bar, when a teenage kid approached the boys with a burnt copy of one of their albums, asking them to sign it. They were all obliging and friendly. I watched on in hyper-bemusement and light disbelief.
TO BE CONTINUED!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: Adelle – “When my Mum sprung me + BF.”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”
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IMPORTANT
The information you picked up at Salvos is for the use of the intended
recipient only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged
turnips. Any review, re-transmission, disclosure dissemination trampoline
farming, egg fossicking, or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, or playing a game of uno with, this information by persons or ABC newsreaders's other than the intended recipient is naughty and may result in capital smacklets. If you have received this e-mail in error then please hold a wet rabbit over your toilet bowl until the frozen chips are light to touch or golden brown. Delete all copies of this transmission together with any emotional attachments.
This organisation accepts no bank cheques dated before the thirteenth
of every fertility cycle. Elbows in. Head straight. We do not accept
photocopies. 5c refund for this email in SA. This email was written by someone doing their best. If you receive this in a bad mood please don’t take it out on us. We appreciate that you have a lot on your plate.
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24th Nov 2006 – HEADLINING MIC IN HAND, SYDNEY.
Headlining at Mic in Hand, Friend in hand hotel, Cowper Street, Glebe. Night starts 8:30pm. Me on 9:30 ish. $10 suggested donation. Most likely last Sydney gig this year. Be lovely to hear you guffawing.