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News 9/8/10

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Songs From The 86 Tram has been nominated for an ARIA – Best Comedy Release. It’s up against Andrew Hanson (The Chaser), Heath Franklin (Chopper), Jimeoin and Arj Barker. Winners announced November 7. The 86 Tram tour was a blazing triumph. Sold out Melbourne & Brisbane shows! Diary pending.

• The Northcote (So Hungover) video won an award of merit at the Los Angeles Cinema Festival of Hollywood. It received a .jpeg of a laurel. Congratulations director Craig Melville and producers The Money Shot.

• The Songs From The 86 Tram National Album Tour is wising up, getting down, dropping in and rocking out with its left-field a-game on and folk-right b-list rocks off. We anticipate your participation in the humorous electro-acoustic dalliances of myself and all-star oddbods The Awkwardstra as we gallivant from concert to concert like avant-garde poncy savants in a dashing man-museum of absurdly discerning earnestness. Other such lustrous audio leaves you may collect and press in your subconscious scrapbooks include those delicately dropped by excitement ambassadors The Boat People. About three-fifths of the national program will include the songwriting testimonies of maelstrominous balladeer Pinky Beecroft accompanied by his White Russians. The layering of experience may caramelise with vintage emotions and the light bubble of modern vigour to swish through your existence like a chocolate cocktail from the intrepid ether, such is the divine mockumentary of our lives.

• I didn’t think Inception was that good. I thought it was a bit busy and ‘insisted upon itself.’

• Hipster is defunct. Honda have a ‘savvy, satirical and self-aware’ ad campaign out now targeting Hipster culture. In light of Northcote it makes me feel quite dirty, like exactly how Kurt Cobain must have felt after the Grunge explosion. The clichés are right, capitalism is awful. The speed at which a sub-culture is identified, and ‘captured’ by corporations for commercial gain has increased significantly since the Internet. If you’re a visual artist who’s work is receiving some kind of exposure – don’t be surprised if a very similar aesthetic is appropriated and used to sell OMO’s new ‘retro’ range of fabric softeners. I predict the next sub-culture target will be the Frankie craft brigade. Read: Kia ad where a girl in retro dress and cardigan has knitted a cover for her car. Car drives off with one strand untangled, it weaves all over the city leaving a red thread train until you zoom out to reveal car has drawn an enormous 70’s string art geometric pattern that morphs into the Kia logo. Cue Florence & The Machine chorus and a sharehouse couch worth of girls passionately discussing the ad using the company’s name several times in conversation as they try and determine whether they feel compromised. (NOTE: To all advertising creative goons googling indie-craft related keywords for the express purpose of this exact thing. I take 40% and international residuals.)

• If ye be in Melbourne and listening to Triple R’s radiothon, why not subscribe to stylish radio comedy program ‘Lime Champions,’ 7-8pm on August 15.

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LapTopping – 79 – “Mother Mirth”

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 79
Monday August 9, 2010
**National tour start this week. Click HERE to pre-book**
**Invite your Facebook friends HERE**

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Audrey Tatou 32 today!
Happy Birthday Hulk Hogan 57 Wednesday!

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HOW TO HELP ME COMPLETELY

Q. How?
A. Pre-book your ticket to the National Tour gig.

Q. Why?
A. Well, if you are going to go anyway, this way is cheaper AND will make me and my squadron of assistants feel umpteen times better about the whole thing. We’ll have more of a sense that people are coming.

Q. What if I don’t because I’m a bit busy and bored and I don’t like you quite that much?
A. Nothing will happen. However, you wouldn’t want me to feel unnecessarily anxious in the lead-up to my special month now would you?

Q. Are you manipulating me in a very obvious fashion?
A. Yes.

S. (statement) I like it. I will pre-book AT ONCE-ISH!
RS (responsorial statement) Thanks, you specifically.

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TEN GREAT WORD COMBOS

1. Sporadic cameo
2. Vampire campfire
3. Bollywood cauliflower
4. Colossal quibble
5. Mammoth anecdote
6. Operatic impediment
7. Pullet bullion
8. Hoodwinked vector panther
9. Texture ken
10. Glib decanter

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NEW SEGMENT! LYRIC POLICE

Bringing song writing laziness to justice.

From Christina Cox, Melbourne

I’m a song lyric fetishist, and while I consider ‘How to Disappear Completely’ by Radiohead one of the most awesome songs I’ve ever heard, I can never get past:

“In a little while
I’ll be gone
The moment’s already passed
Yeah…it’s gone.”

THANKYOU CHRISTINA. GET SLEUTHING AND REPORT YOUR LYRICAL EVIDENCE NOW!

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“Bring back bob hawke”
“the bedroom pholodifer”
“is the world fu**ed?
“make your own cruskits
“xxx hot short shorts in public”
“little shop of horrors crochet”
“the whole song of bedroom philosopher which you can copy and sing”
“is darryl braithwaite gay?”
“russian rap in my bed room”
“ween earplugs”
“bowie the chamomile”
“trineesha bedroom philosopher”
“fairy floss undress”
“tram 86 way too noisy”
“the bedroom phelosipha”
“i can t pursue my career due to antidepressants”
“matthew krok seat belt safety”
“tasmanias nashinol anthom”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

A glowing FasterLouder review for Songs From The 86 Tram.

A scintillating new video from Richard In Your Mind.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

NATIONAL BAND TOUR WITH THE AWKWARDSTRA & SPECIAL GUESTS THE BOAT PEOPLE AND/OR PINKY BEECROFT (formerly Machine Gun Fellatio) & THE WHITE RUSSIANS (exc. SA/WA)

Book at the venues or from the pre-booking link HERE.

Aug 12 Adelaide – Jive bar (w/ Cookie Baker and Guillaume Soloacoustic)
Aug 13 Launceston – Hotel New York (w/ Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians and New Saxons)
Aug 14 Hobart – Brisbane Hotel (all ages 3pm start) (w/ Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians + Agent Fontaine)
Aug 14 Hobart – Brisbane Hotel (over 18’s) (w/ Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians + New Saxons)
Aug 15 Burnie – Burnie Arts & Function Centre (all ages 2pm start) (w/ The Stoics)
Aug 18 Canberra – ANU Bar (w/ The Boat People + Margaret Helen King)
Aug 19 Wollongong – Harpe Hotel (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Aug 20 Sydney – The Factory (all ages 7:30pm start) (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Aug 21 Newcastle – Northern Star (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Aug 22 Cronulla – The Brass Monkey (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Aug 25 Scarborough – Indi Bar (w/ Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders + Stereo Flower)
Aug 26 Bunbury – Prince Of Wales (w/ Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders)
Aug 27 Northbridge – Rocket Room (w/ Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders + Stereo Flower)
Aug 28 Brisbane – The Troubadour (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Aug 29 Brisbane – Old Museum (all ages 12:30pm start) (w/ The Boat People + Charlie Mayfair)
Aug 29 Byron Bay – Great Northern (w/ The Boat People + Steve Grady)
Sep 1 Ballarat – Karova Lounge (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Sep 2 Geelong – National Hotel (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Sep 3 Hepburn Springs – The Palais (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Sep 4 Melbourne – Northcote Social Club (w/ The Boat People + Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians)
Sep 5 Melbourne – Spanish Club (all ages 12:30pm start) (w/ The Boat People + Stonefield – ex Iotah – Triple J Unearthed Winners)
Sep 5 Melbourne – Northcote Social Club (w/ The Boat People + Go-go Sapien)

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STORYTIME

BEDDY PHIL’S NATIONAL TOUR FANZINE SPECTACULAR!


KNOW THY AWKWARDSTRA!

Letz get to know Australia’s most sort-of known band of aggressively sheepish super troopers.

‘NATURE BOY’ HAZEL – Bass.
Favourite food: Lettuce chupa-chups.
Favourite book: Stuff Black People Don’t Like
Did you know? Andy once had a job in Europe subtitling the plots for films. Instead of dialogue he had to write what was happening e.g. ‘This guy is the girls father appearing to her as a ghost without pants.’ Andy is also a naturopath. He is working on a jazz comedy instillation about the links between mineral deficiency and Tourette’s syndrome called ‘The Vitamin C-bomb.’

‘MAD DOG’ RABINOVICI – Drums.
Favourite quote: “No stars.” – David Stratton.
Favourite Movie: Sex Toy Story 3
Fun Fact: Mad-Dog just returned from a solstice in India where he worked extensively with drum gurus who taught him how to keep a straight eight using only his buttocks. He contributes to a male feminist handbook edited by Guy’s Sebastian and Pearce called ‘Guy and Guy’s Guide for Guys Against Guys.’

GORDO (formerly Suavey Shankar) – Electric guitar / Sitar.
Favourite TV Show: The Sopranos, Brand Power.
Favourite Past-times: Snow-baking, tram-jacking, couch-surfing (literally).
Profile: Joined the band in 2007 after TBP found him in a department store changerooms busking sitar versions of ‘True Blue.’ Known for his mini-disc collection, use of the phrase ‘chocoblock’ and tendency to go toily in his hot water bottle.

HITZ RODRIGUEZ – Percussion.
Favourite Drink: Vodka Ovaltines.
Favourite Sport: Wii Dog Fighting.
Snapshot: Very little is known about this mysterious New Zealand Columbian smug-lord. It’s rumoured he can solve a rubik’s cube using only his jazz hands and has been expelled from over ten driving schools. He is a half South American bogan yoga instructor who salutes downward facing double denim.

MENTAL PUZZLES

Q. The Bedroom Philosopher has a gig at 9pm. He must travel 10km to get there on a tram that goes 2km an hour. It’s now 4pm and it will take an hour to get ready. A taxi will cost $2.50 per kilometre and get him there in triple the time but he only has $20. Which is the better option?
ANSWER AT BOTTOM OF LAPTOPPING

JOKES!

Q. How many pop culture references does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Rosie Perez!

NEW WORDS!

Deppression – The fallout caused by the expectations of modern Johnny Depp films.
Malculator – A device to work out how much Stephen Malkmus was cashing in on the last Pavement tour.
Grudd – A parody of Grug books featuring the displaced ex-Prime Minister depicted as a recluse Burrawang tree.
Laptuplets – When everyone in the house has their laptops out.

ASK DR HELP

Q. Dear Dr Help, I’ve just started a new job but I’m worried that I might not be very good at it because I don’t like it. Help.
A. Dear person, have you tried not doing the job? Perhaps you can adopt a dramatically evasive set of life directions where you reinvent yourself as an adult sitter. Adult sitting is a boutique growth industry where unsure people who don’t have evening plans pay you to come and play Scrabble with them. You could try this and if it doesn’t work out or exist then perhaps stick to data entry and a tightly prescribed diet of exercise, reading and racy massages with casual friends. Alternatively, you could try ‘dada entry’ where you text absurdist phrases to random phone numbers until someone pays you to go away.

HOROSCOPES

Sagittarius. The moon slept in so you’re going to have a weird fight with someone close to you which might not be like a real fight but something’s going on, best to bury it deep inside so you never have to go through the sharp yet brief discomfort of confronting them.

Gemini. You’re a real piece of work, you know that? Oooh, look at me, I’m all confused. I want to do this thing but now I’ve changed my mind and I want to do that. Good luck holding down a relationship you weirdo.

Libra. A vague week for you where some plans may or may not come to fruition. Mars comes into line with the sun which means you’ll get your period, if you are a boy you’ll just get a slight headache. Totes unfair.

Cancer: A chance encounter with a new investment may lead to an opportunity with a past fling. Okay, you go into a newsagent to cash in a scratchie and you’ll run into your ex who will tell you about a new performance night she’s running. Zing.

The other ones: A series of small melodramas will facilitate the grandiose needs / losses saga of your superego that has been chasing its own tail since childhood culminating in an Escher’s staircase of achievements and disappointments that maintains the cycle of a perpetually unfulfilled dream or ‘potential happiness’ on the horizon until you get into very late middle age and realise that no matter what you do you’re always slightly frustrated and you truly embrace this and decide to tour the world with your partner in matching fluro tracksuits pointing loudly at ethnic children and taking phone calls in galleries.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“The key to being single is being 100% satisfied that your life is running at 50%.”
Justin Heazlewood.

SEE YOU ON TOUR FANGBOTS!

THE END

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
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NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER

The themes and analytical arrangements discussed in the text are not necessarily those of the author but a psychological reflection of the short term memory bank of mainstream and underground media coupled with the cut-up poetics of conversational snatches, subconscious pictorial images, mind’s eye abstracts and a pinch of universe scolding original thought. It is the intention of the publication that the readership is free to interpret, dissect and absorb the information in any way they see fit. Notwithstanding, while the publisher is entirely in compliance with the connotations associated with the privileges of free speech and a democratic right to choose how one reacts to a third party’s opinions, the publisher weakly urges that the reader is mindful of potentially unforseen external factors which may result in an overtly sardonic or cynical mind frame through which the text is attitudinally sullied. In the rich muddle of our rainbow supersoul, where the conscious outlook is refreshed as often as the eye is blinked, it can be difficult to view the world with anything resembling a consistent watermark of beauty, or at least inner solitude, to remind us of the cherished, gifted and uplifting nature of our pure selves. LapTopping urges all readers to practice spiritual ergonomics and ensure they arrange their physical and emotional selves in an appropriate position as to encourage the flow of good spirits between mind, heart and stomach and in turn avoid the joy-clogging aches and fear-spasms caused by incorrect positioning of the soul’s self-forgiveness duct, which should be in regular contact with the fun-brain’s attitude centre of creative playfulness.

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PUZZLE ANSWER:
A. He stayed at home due to a panic attack.

CeeDeeHeeBeeJeeBees (Kill Your Darlings – 2010)

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So Thom Yorke has come out and declared the album dead. This isn’t the first time Thom’s been the bearer of bad tidings. In 2004 he cancelled the second Melbourne Radiohead show due to a frail voice. Frail voice? I thought that was the whole point. Not only did I have a ticket but I’d won a competition to meet him by sending in four barcodes from my brand of anti depressants.

Well, if the album isn’t dead it’s certainly lying in intensive care with a cracked case and a terminal cross-hatch of scratches on the disc. Since the advent of iTunes, the trend has been that no-one under twenty buys CD’s any more, and why would they? The things get ripped straight onto computers and then what use are they? To load into your discman on the train? To slot alphabetically into your CD tower? I’m afraid this, along with lying on your bed reading lyrics in 6-point is relegated to the 90’s along with Vienetta’s and magic eye. Now we get an album cover gravatar and a tracklist destined to be corrupted by file sharing cowboys and DJ shuffle.

In the past singles have been used as an incentive to sell the album. Now, the concept of buying a CD single is laughable (They’re $10, if you can find them, when a single itunes track is $1.70.) Instead, kids are happily breaking up albums like chocolate bars to get the no obligation songs they like. At best, they may grace the others with a thirty second audition. This is why tunes need catchy hooks more than ever, for the iTunes preview – and songwriters thought radio edits were harsh.

Spare a thought for the poor musicians, who spend the best part of two years and tens of thousands of dollars painstakingly recording their six stringed super hits in 24-bit high definition, only to have it crudely crushed into an .mp3 and listened to through flat earphones. Those of you who take music for granted should realise the audio quality of an .mp3 compared to a CD is like going from a five course indian banquet down to a sausage roll. Music isn’t just about that awesome guitar riff or those pounding synth drums, it’s about the dynamic texture of the high treble frequencies blending with the mid-level tones and the soothing sub-bass. Just think of the loud shirted, poor postured producer who has sat at the mixing desk labouring for months to ensure the song reaches your ears with just the right blend of equalisation. Every time you listen to your ipod, he cries control tears.

So, is our lord and saviour Thom Yotke correct in peering down from his post-EMI pedestal and declaring the album dead for us non-visionary plebs who don’t have a spare two million strong fanbase to give our album away for free to? (Crazy Thom’s gone mad, he’s slashed his prices not his wrists!) Part of me says screw you dude. I’ve waited my whole life to be able to make an album. The rush of running a knife along the box and seeing the ribbed canvas of a hundred identical spines glowing back. To lie in bed listening to my own ideas and sonic creations purring through the cradle of compression and the gloss of mastering. I think of the hours I’ve dedicated to the finer details like liner notes, the font, barcode placement and gap before the self indulgent secret track – all of it will be demolished by someone grabbing a heap of shit off a mate’s ipod. Sure, that person may have otherwise never been exposed to your music, but do you really want to be dubbed ‘Unknown artist’ with your hit record ‘unknown album’ featuring the breathtaking single ‘track one.’

When I was fifteen I recorded my first album of songs ‘Ad-Liberation.’ This was done in my bedroom, on a little cassette walkman with a stereo microphone blu-takked to the indoor clothesline (how Radiohead record, I believe). I finished the songs, most of them seven minute power ballads about Jenny Garth, complete with mum knocking on the door in 4/4 time and ‘waiting for the cat to get off the lyrics’ solos. I gave the album a texta drawn cover, and the wax seal of any amateur production, extensive copyright information. It’s the professional equivalent of playing dress-ups, writing ‘all rights reserved’ and having no idea what it means. Released on tape, ‘Ad-Liberation’ fast-forwarded into obscurity when not even my biggest fan, me, could stand to listen to it any more, but it made me hungry to one day make the real thing.

I’m about to release my third Bedroom Philosopher album, happy in the knowledge that in this vintage obsessed era, my CD format is already considered retro. Though the album may be dying, music itself is thriving. It’s never been so accessible, and despite the file share explosion, there has been an apparent revival in young people buying vinyl. For now, it means that dad’s like me pushing thirty can proudly bang on about how great Radiohead CD’s were to Gen-i kids who can’t really hear and don’t really care. They’re too busy biting off more sausage roll than they can chew.