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Author Archives: justin

Love (Frankie – 2010)

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Did you know that every thirteen minutes a relationship in Australia ends? Statistics tell us that only 5% of these relationships will end cleanly. The majority will haemorrhage into heaving silence with one staring into space and the other in tears. Sentences will get said: “I don’t know what I feel any more. I just don’t think I can give to this relationship.” The carcass of trust shall hang from necks. There will be gazes from the doorway. Beautiful creatures in knee high socks and soft cotton dresses sprawled on the bed, faces buried in pillows. Nervous men out of scripts and drawing on movie memories. Walk out the door. Just walk out that door. There’s no turning back. We’re past the point of no return.

Having done a snap-survey of my friends I’ve concluded that for those of us that are single, it’s not easy. We’re all nursing a photo album of bruises in our hearts. We’re all staring longingly into the suburban sunset, waiting for the smooth arms of a perfect match to cradle us through this spiritual recession. We have so much to give and we feel like we are going to waste. We sit on public transport retina scanning from afar, while love songs poke us like senseless siblings. We glance at stockinged legs wondering if now’s the time to stand up, ride the bumps like a fate surfer and wander over with business cards in hand and a ‘hey…you seem really…nice…let me know if you want a coffee sometime…’ before thrusting our little rectangle mangle of a lifeforce into the clenched hand of the long-haired lovely, nursing shopping and a good book – innocent royalty in this fraction of a possibility.

How can we meet new people? Us loners. Us washed up lovers. How can we tune into the frequencies of those who would hold our arm as we picked out videos. Who would add a ‘kiss me’ to our things to do lists and watch the ground for us as we text-walked? What combination of words and actions could unlock the vault of chance that would lead us to a universe of warmth beneath covers and the body lock of sweetheart sweat – the autumn-fall of thoughts leading to the timeless utterance ‘I’m so glad I found you.’

How can we find those we’d be so glad we found?

We go to gigs, parties, we flick about on Facebook. Everyone looks occupied and unattainable. The beautiful people have their friends, their drinks in hand, they don’t need us and our overthought desperation. We over thought it already. Our sentences are like highschool clay, all fingerprints and lumpy joins. What could we possibly offer? We are on the outside of the painting looking in. Colours are creamy and expressions are effortless. It’s a dream in there. How could we approach? We are covered in shadows.

Within a typical day the average single person will create over 186 conflicting thoughts about love. They may tell themselves things like ‘this is a good time to be single’ within the same stanza as ‘I’m horny, everything’s fucked.’ This is normal, and is reflective of the human experience. We are wise-cracking muddles all wrapped up tight in string, like Kris Kringles waiting to be given to the right person. We are store-bought bundles of poetic observations, clever humour and kisses. Oh dear God we are good kissers. Did we mention this? Upon the well-timed mouth we’ll make you forget every insult you’ve ever been given. We’ll take you up in a hot air balloon and land you in a forest of flowers, make you biscuits of the ripest honey and read you the funniest and saddest story, in voices soft as rain.

You just have to find us.
We just have to find you.

News 8/7/10

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National Tour Aug/Sep on sale now, click HERE to pre-book.
The Bedroom Philosopher

• The Northcote (So Hungover) video is viralling out of control. It’s been Rage and Channel V videos of the week and will be aired on Video Hits this Saturday and Sunday. On the tubes it’s nearing 40K views and going strong. Feedback has been predominately positive. We had a swell video launch where Pose Tattoo, a supergroup of Melbourne indie muso’s played a gig. Sad Sanderson busted out ‘Boys Do Cry’ plus the original ‘Hey! That’s Sad.’ Check them out HERE.

• To make matters more confusing, I participated in an online ad for Metlink Melbourne where I penned a parody of Northcote called ‘Hurstbridge (So Sober)’ and then shot a lo-fi clip for it which hit the Internet before the real one. So that’s me doing a character, parodying me playing a character parodying scenester culture. It’s ironies equivalent of a back somersault with 3 ½ twists.

• The single tour was brilliant. Good crowds, good vibes. Hobart took out best gig honours with Canberra and Adelaide close behind. Sydney produced the baffling premise of my first sell-out show there but a mainstream audience down front who weren’t that into me. Newcastle was rowdy but fun for a free show while Brisbane I was end of tour tired, forgetting the music to Sudanese. Launceston was a small write-off, where I had to revert to my ‘walking up the back of the room yelling at people’ shtick. Like a relationship it’s no-ones fault, it’s about timing and sometimes these things just don’t work out.

• I have a manager and booking agent now, two things I’ve been hanging out for over the past two years. The delightful Anthea Cohen of Nibbles Music is taking care of business. I’ll be sure to keep on my toes, as website commenter Boris Yeltsin said: “Please, for the love of music, don’t get complacent now Justin. You’re in a privileged position, you’ve worked for it, and deserve it.” Thanks deceased Russian ex-President.

• The national album tour has been announced. I’ll be doing a 20 date tour over a month with The Awkwardstra. You can pre-book tickets HERE. Main tour partners will be The Boat People, Australia’s most under-rated band who have released a blinder of an album ‘Dear Darkly.’ I’d go as far to say it’s the best Oz album since Sleepy Jackson’s ‘Lovers.’ Check it out HERE. I also strongly recommend ‘My Volcano’ from superb eclectophiles Richard In Your Mind. Flaming Lips meets Avalanches.

LapTopping – 78 – “Chamomile High Club”

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 78
Thursday July 8, 2010
**National album tour AUG/SEP now on sale. Click HERE.**
**Northcote video airing on Video Hits this weekend**

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday my dear Nan, Edna Heazlewood 84 today!
Happy Birthday my dear Beck! 40 today!
Happy Birthday Ringo Starr 70 yesterday!

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STREET TEAM NEEDED – POSTERS / MERCH

Would you like to put some posters up in your hometown in lieu of tickets to shows and promo albums? Alternatively, we seek retail superstars to operate the official merchandise desk in exchange for glamorous items. Teams of two tend to work best. Check the tour schedule and see where you and your pal / partner may be able to assist. In either case send an email to anthea at nibblesmusic dot com with BP STREET TEAM in the subject along with your name, number, postal address and brief experience / aspirations.

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NORTHCOTE SINGLE TOUR HIGHLIGHTS

1. Josh Earl and I sitting in an Adelaide café watching a Nan in salmon trackies pulling a trolley.
2. Trying to order an orange, pineapple and ginger juice in same café. The waiter found it amusing. ‘We don’t have ginger but we do have guava,’ he offered, as if it works like that. Out of milk for your coffee? Try mayonnaise.
3. Improvising shouty blues songs about local shops shutting down. These included the Ducks Nuts pub being changed to Silk in Newcastle, the closure of North Hobart Praties and the demise of Magic Mountain in Glenelg.
4. Josh secretly tweeting about me: “i’m on a bus with the bedroom philosopher. He’s eating a tuna sandwich. NOT ON A BUS PHILOSOPHER. That’s not a public food / i’m at the airport 3 hours early. The philosopher is cranky. It is quite funny. His lunch was red rooster / the philosopher is now being harassed at the security check in. He is so cranky. It is so funny / he had to unpack his bag of leads and underwear. Durps are everywhere / now being checked for bombs. It’s like a script / landed and the cranky continues, he’s just told the cab driver to turn down his radio.”
5. Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Dancer In The Dark’ coming on everywhere we went.
6. Breakfast in Canberra, we ordered muesli’s with pomegranate and kiwi fruit. Waitress: These are girly muesli’s. Me: We are girly men.
7. After drinks at the Towny in Sydney. My friend Leigh started a game of writing out our top ten lists. It began with albums and then bands, books, movies, girl crushes and men you’d sleep with. Let me just say that watching The Truman Show with David Bowie and Maggie Gyllenhaal while listening to Revolver and flicking through Running With Scissors is my idea of a good time. At one point a group of nursing girls came up to talk to us and we said ‘we’re in the middle of writing our top ten favourite TV shows’ so they left.
8. Conversation on a Redline bus. Me: How do you come up with your style? Josh: I just walk into Jack London and say ‘Make me look like Mick Jagger in the 60’s.’ Me: I just walk into Salvation Army and say ‘make me look like Graeme Garden in the 70’s.’
9. In Launceston a drunk guy pulled me aside to give me his mates business cards while they watched on, smiling weirdly to themselves. One worked at Australia Post while the other was the branch manager of Reece, a bathroom and plumbing supplier.
10. There was smoke coming from our airplane cabin. Well, the Virgin Blue crew were on fire anyway. “Go into Hertz and show them your body parts, I mean boarding pass for a great deal.”

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NEW SEGMENT! LYRIC POLICE

Bringing song writing laziness to justice.

The White Stripes – Hardest Button To Button

“I got a backyard
With nothing in it
Except a stick
A dog
And a box with something in it.”

GET SLEUTHING AND REPORT YOUR LYRICAL EVIDENCE NOW!

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“bedroom philosophers lyrics riding around with the aces so hungover”
“dog manipulators”
“frankie is mainstream”
“is 74 degrees hot for shorts”
“what time can i mow on a sunday is there a law”
“spray & wipe lyrics”
“youtube haunted house in wagga wagga in bedroom”
“buy twin tub washing machine Hobart”
“girls in tight shorts bend backway”
“cushions bowel cancer”
“i ve retired and now i; m depressed”
“bob hawke what did he do in 1997-2010”
“how do i know im a philosopher?”
“things you find in a bedroom when hungover”
“the bedroom felosifes”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Northcote (So Hungover) video.
Mess & Noise 100 thread-long argument about it.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

HOBART COMEDY FESTIVAL
July 23-31. Details HERE.

SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM NATIONAL ALBUM TOUR

Click HERE to book tickets through GoBookem.

Featuring those hipster slayin’ style masters The Awkwardstra bring all the breakbeat rockouts, folk-rock jamouts and jamfunk breakdowns you need with a pinch of earnestness and about five seconds of jazz. Plus extra special guests The Boat People (except Tas, SA n WA) and ex Machine Gun Fellatio tunesmith Pinky Beecroft for some dates.

Aug 12 Adelaide – Jive bar (w/ Cookie Baker and Guillaume Soloacoustic)
Aug 13 Launceston – Hotel New York (w/ Pinky Beecroft & The White Russians
and New Saxons)
Aug 14 Hobart – Brisbane Hotel (all ages 1:30pm start) (w/ PB & TWR and New
Saxons)
Aug 14 Hobart – Brisbane Hotel (over 18’s) (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 15 Burnie – Arts Theatre (all ages 3pm start) (w/ New Saxons)
Aug 18 Canberra – ANU Bar
Aug 19 Wollongong – Harpe Hotel (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 20 Sydney – The Factory (all ages 7pm start) (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 21 Newcastle – Northern Star (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 22 Cronulla – The Brass Monkey (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 25 Scarborough – Indi Bar (w/ Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders + Stereo
Flower)
Aug 26 Bunbury – Prince Of Wales (w. Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders)
Aug 27 Northbridge – Rocket Room (w/ Gilroy & The Cold Shoulders +
Stereo Flower)
Aug 28 Brisbane – The Troubadour (w/ PB & TWR)
Aug 29 Brisbane – Old Museum (all ages 12:30pm start)
Aug 29 Byron Bay – Great Northern
Sep 1 Ballarat – Karova Lounge (w/ PB & TWR)
Sep 2 Geelong – National Hotel (w/ PB & TWR)
Sep 3 Hepburn Springs – The Palais (w/ PB & TWR)
Sep 4 Melbourne – Northcote Social Club (w/ PB & TWR)
Sep 5 Melbourne – Spanish Club (all ages 12:30pm start) (w/ Stonefield – ex
Iotah)
Sep 5 Melbourne Northcote Social Club (w/ Go-go Sapien) (who are brilliant!)

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STORYTIME

NORTHCOTE (SO HUNGOVER) VIDEO **BEHIND THE SCENES**

The Northcote clip started out with a budget of 1.5 million because I wanted it to be done claymation style, but working with metal. How cool would that be? Basically you’d make a metal model of things and then you’d have to melt down each piece and rebuild it, moving it just slightly. I thought it was genius but my label said that Adam Elliot’s agent wasn’t returning their calls and the last thing he had said was that it would take an estimated 65 years to complete, but he only had two days. Then I suggested doing it with blu-tak but we didn’t have the budget for that many packets and michelgondry @ hotmail bounced so we went with my forty fifth idea which was to film me and my band doing all the stuff in the clip.

Here is some trivia – that isn’t my moustache! We bought it at a Midnight Juggernauts charity auction for $40, 000 which took up half the budget of the clip. Afterwards, it crawled away and ended up in Kram’s sandwich! We laughed, until his manager spilt chai latte on my ipad. (industry thing). Most of the rest of the money went towards the special effects. We had to build a special Tim Rogers face mask. Yes, that is actually a dude from Grinspoon wearing a prosthetic face and official Tim Rogers wig which I got in a You Am I showbag last year at the Royal Melbourne. Realistic huh? Tim was unavailable for the clip due to TV commitments. Lost was on. It was one he’d taped so you can fast forward the ads.

So anyway, what else can I tell you? The scenes onboard a tram actually take place onboard a bus which had the wheels removed. The producers then built a special two hundred metre rail circuit for it to ride on. The film business is a tricky one. It’s all about lighting. Lighting and colour grading. I gave red about a ten while brown ended up around 1. Brown used to be my favourite until people on a music blog said it was pathetic so who am I to argue? I’m into blues at the moment. Go Fev! I mean, the other players. There’s a bunch of other cameos in the clip including Angie Hart, Robin from The Boat People and Paris Wells as the waitress. I really wanted Angry Anderson to be the mixer for Pose Tattoo but I think he’s in France beating up Phoenix.

The sound mixer was DC Root! Who was in TISM but never in Scandal’us. He was the hardest to track down so after a lot of faxes and Whereisses I found him in a taxi going through West Preston KFC. I tailed the cab on my bike and had a quick word with him while the window was down. He wasn’t even buying food, he just needed a bunch of refresher towels as he was about to play at the espy and there’s never any toilet paper. Even in the band room. WHY Espy WHY? Myself and the director worked intensively with DC to channel (mind the pun) just the right blend of contempt and apathetic bitterness for the sound guy. We also did some character exercises to determine his emotional arc and back story. Turns out he was in a folk-ska band called The Band Who Played Too Much who were about to do things in the UK until the lead singer died from a smug overdose.

I do all my own kissing. Already the clip has lost its ‘G’ rating because of the intensity of that scene. I can’t help it. That’s what I’m about – smouldering intensity. That whole party scene was an added bonus. Those shots are actually of our wrap party and intended for the making-of documentary. The girl who played my love interest wasn’t even meant to be in it, she just did hair and make up but I couldn’t stop cracking onto her. Now we’ve settled down, buying a house for 750 in Westgarth. That’s per month. Not bad for a seven couple sharehouse.

That is a stunt double at the end on the bike scene. Cos I’m so cool I was unable to ride in an uncool enough fashion, so we got some beard from Architecture in Helsinki to fill in. He did ok. Overall, I’d give this clip four and a half stars and say it was the Australian equivalent of Peter Gabriel’s ‘Sledgehammer.’ It would have been five stars if we’d done my original claymation idea. Claymation with ice sculptures? How cool would that be?

THE END

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
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NOTICE AND DISCLAMMER

LapTopping is a diamond chiselled lemon fuelled rockety mcbusiness of nuclear proportions which sits in the ambient ambivalence between regal and riled. The all-star fusspots concerned with the satirical grooming of youth ideals and nightclub breadwinners may position themselves in accordance with sundial moodswing dreamscape conversational blow-outs. The author experiences pleasing emotions upon hearing about the success of others and at no point, under no circumstances sinks into a jealousy based rage wishing to throw either that person and/or himself out a window. Get super brilliant in your soul tank Dr Thoughtwaves! Tick off the glam plan with a two-tone flame pen. Today, your t-shirt pile, tomorrow an HBO special. Eat daal, play a synthesiser, wear a vest! Smile your teeth lasers into the handsome horizon. ‘Tis a daily dream drop that anoints your personal adventure like a lolly from God. Keep on suckin’.

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