Author Archives: justin

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Team Pooglet! E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 52
Monday 26 June 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 11:13
dev2.topfive.com.au/
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
**Headlining at Bar Open, Fitzroy on Wednesday 28th June.**
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ALOHA TEAM POOGLET!

“May the toasty glow of your disco-pixel joy-visor melt the mint-flint shards of winter from your skin. For your optimistic roving boots shall skip and flex with perplexing strength. May your plans actualise like Voltron, forming a five-lion force field of self-unity that slays the poorly animated swamp-octopus of your worries. Everything’s going to be fine, or thereabouts, roughly, we suppose, with a vengeance. Awomen.”

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REQUEST NEW SINGLE ‘FOLKSTAR’ ON TRIPLE J

Fantastically, it’s been getting a little bit of play already with a spotting on Myf Warhurst’s lunchtime program last Friday, so if you get a chance, you can text Super Requests on 1975 7555 or onine request at: http://abc.net.au/triplej/requests/make_a_request.htm
Feel free to suss the quality of the song before any emotional investment – it’s uploaded at my Myspace page.

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Josh Earl 25 today! Much love my friend.
(go to the Renegades of Folk Myspace page for shoutouts!)
Happy Birthday Mark Decloedt (EMF) 37 today!
Happy Birthday Chris Isaak 50 on Wednesday!
Happy Birthday John Cusack 42 on Wednesday!

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

One Summer – Daryl Braithwaite.

“One summer, I'll find a way-ay-ay-ay. One summer, will always remai-hai-ai-ain.”

Instructions:
Step 1 – Sing chorus to yourself three times.
Step 2 – Repeat chorus again five minutes later. Chorus will be successfully installed.
Step 3 – Be unable to remember anymore of the lyrics.
Step 4 – Get annoyed.

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TOP SEVEN RECORD COVERS IN MY VINYL COLLECTION

1 – Bullseye – 18 Original Hits (1979)

Features a dazed, barely dressed Vegas showgirl, arms spread and mouth agape in front of a giant multi-coloured target with six knives embedded in it. On the ground are a couple of five buck notes. Bullseye is written in ‘Excited Seventies Comic Sans 48 point’ next to the girl is a notice board with all the bands written on it. It’s so playfully sexist that you just want to give it a hug and a quiet talking to.

2 – Sounds For Hope & Happiness Volume 3 – To Support The Crippled Children’s Assoc. of S.A. (1975)

This record, which was sponsored by Shell Oil, with their slightly dated slogan of ‘Your Dealer,’ features childhood mascot Fatcat, quite early in his career, standing between two questionable looking business men, and behind four exquisitely dressed disabled children in the most dreary and troubling surrounds of what looks to be an abandoned building site. Fatcat is wearing some kind of pink and red apron, sporting what is, in retrospect, a chillingly fixed gaze. The boy in a wheel chair on the left has glasses like mine, and wears a flared leisuresuit of brilliant blue. The girl next to him has a purple dress that would have most indie girls pulling each other’s fringes off for. The only boy who is standing, with the support of a walking stick, has the best combination of clothes I have ever seen on anyone. Orange long sleeved shirt with brown spotted tie, red, white and black finely checked vest, and dark red flares. He’s also wearing a helmet. I love him.

3 – Sesame Street – Merry Christmas From Sesame Street (1975)

This cult classic appears to have captured Muppet stalwarts Bert and Ernie briefly after a ‘mishap’ with the Christmas tree. A rather frenetic looking Bert finds himself tangled up in the reams of gold decorative beads, while Ernie doesn’t seem to be helping that much and finds the entire incident amusing. Grover peers, somewhat redundant from the side, while an under-stated Cookie Monster puts in an open-mouthed, loose-eyed appearance at the back.

4 – Gary Numan – The Pleasure Principal (1979)

A classically dressed Numan, in Grey plaid suit with silver tie sits at a desk and peers down androgenously and pseudo threateningly at a small red plastic pyramid.

5 – Various – 100 Great Melodies The World Loves Best Volume 7 (1973)

For absolutely no apparent reason, this collection of classic overtures features a beguiling young negro girl with a red checked dress, scowling up at the camera and pointing her finger with a bowl of Roma tomatoes balanced on her head.

6 – Syd Heylen – Cookie (1989)

Fleeting musical spin-off attempt from cult actor who played the wise-cracking chef/barman on the long running 80’s Australian medical drama ‘A Country Practice.’ The front cover displays a relaxed and jovial Heylen posing with a sailors cap on, while the reverse sees him return to his chef attire and trademark ‘Cookie’ hat, holding a frypan and pointing at it with an expression that basically says ‘well whaddaya know?’ The fact this record has the direct phone number of the record company suggests it may have been a global phenomenon. The album features only one track penned by Heylen himself, the aptly titled ‘who’s sorry now,’ to which my friend James Borman suggested once, ‘anyone who bought the album.’

7 – Singing and Listening ’70 Presented by June Espstein with The Melbourne Kindergarten Teachers’ College Choir (1970)

This rare Australian folk gem features an array of classic late sixties, fledgling seventies fashion, being modelled by a squadron of young professional women ranging from disengaged and frumpy to faex-mod and pretty hot. Posing behind an array of gumtrees, the scene has a ‘Picnic At Hanging Rock’ sense of suppressed sexuality, (or is that just me) with more ill fitting cardigans and chunky blouses than a CWA factory. There is one ‘lucky’ token male, with brill-creamed side-swept fringe, chaste-blue dinner jacket, defensive fawn slacks and a guitar ‘mid-strum.’ In conclusion, I could listen to this record with the sound down, and the best look for girls at this time was the one piece mini-dress with lengthy, Marsha Brady locks. It’s like my wholesomely creepy version of an FHM pin-up calendar.

8 – The Wombles – The Best Of The Wombles, 20 Wombling Greats (1976)

It’s the Wombles. In a band. Grandpa Bulgaria plays the violin. Hee hee.

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

Overheard by Maddy Phelan – “That man over there. That man in the short-sleeved shirt. Wasn't he big and fat once? Big and fat. Really BIG… and FAT.' (Spoken very, very loudly, within earshot of very portly man.)

From Paul Threlfall – “At my work (a public library) a toddler gave his mum the slip, grabbed the bin and bolted out the door with it.”

Overheard by Justin, in Melbourne inner-city last Saturday night– “Are we having a falling out or are you paranoid?”

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at [email protected]

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
*****

From Celia May, of unknown origin.

“My plaster horse has been decapitated by me and my careless chisel! There was no blood and the process of death was quick and painless (except for the whole head coming off business. maybe that hurt?) It was for art class… We were supposed to be carving "Zuni Fetishes" which are these things that the Zuni people carved and fed turquoise and then they huffed their nostrils for good luck or something…
Let me just point out that I would never think a decapitation would be a demerit to anything. The art is still spectacular. Let's hope I get marks.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Fourteen phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“mr matey bubble bath”
“i am a gangsta by josh turban”
“self esteem”
“Itty bitty bins”
“world record for continuous guitar playing”
“knitted beanie instructions”
“theory of bogans”
“fitzroy haircuts”
“budget bassinet”
“how to grow horse raddish”
“superwag”
“tafe harmonica Brisbane”
“girls bedroom ideas”
“primary school shoe size 2000”

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

• Monday 26th June – Mcing at Local Laughs – The Local, Cnr Carlisle and Chapel Streets. 8:30pm. $7. (Apologies to anyone who came along to see me last month, but my voice was in a state of distress. From all reports Josh completely rocked affairs, regardless.)

• Wednesday 28th June – Headlining at the Australian Songwriter Association’s ‘Jangle Gym.’ Bar Open. 317 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. $5. Night starts 8:30pm. I’ll be on about 10:30pm. On before me is best mate and ex Harmonica Lewinski’s member Matt Kelly who has one of the best voices I know and plays intelligent, gorgeous folk-pop arrangements. Completely worth seeing.

• Monday 3rd July. Doing a spot at Young n Jackon’s comedy bonanza. Opposite Flinders Street station steps. 9pm approximately. Unsure of costs. (to you financially, and my self-esteem if it goes poorly.)

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by Manky Frank’s new ‘Fair Dinkum Fusion Range,’ featuring ‘Beefroot’ a challenging omelette of liquefied shanks, breadcrumbs and beetroot liqeur, and ‘Savlova’ a devastating puree of free-range hotdog pulp, amalgamated with a humble array of eggs and whipped cream. Customers please note that Baconade has been recalled by popular demand.)

MYSPACE AND ME

I remember when the Internet first hit in 1995. Its arrival wasn’t a cataclysmic overnight technological revolution, more of a quiet rumour circulated by some of the I.B.M. hyper geeks – eventually announced matter of factly by our Info Tech teacher Mr Badcock. In the early days the Internet was treated like the good china at your Nan and Pop’s house – you were allowed to use it, but only under supervision, and for a strictly limited amount of time. One of my first research exercises was compiling a Beck fanzine, consisting of pages found through Alta Vista – remember Alta Vista? The Beta of search engines – I’m sure it was powered by a team of computer nerds peddling bicycles and juggling encyclopaedias somewhere in Chicago.

Telnet was the other fascination – an MS-Dos style chat room facilitator where nerds tried very hard to talk about not much in the hope of being promoted by other nerds, in turn giving them the power to promote/demote younger, less experienced nerds. Gosh it was addictive. I think my user name was ‘crumpet,’ and I have a strong recollection of telling bad jokes and being demoted down to peasant level. You know there’s something seriously wrong when even in a virtual world you are the social outcast.

I eventually outgrew the vacuous superficiality of the chat room mentality, and focussed on tapping the Internet for its more substantial, constructive juices; such as poorly written biographies and post-feminist photographic art. Eleven years on, and just when I thought Googling my own name was the worst, most narcissistic and shallow of my e-vices, along comes Myspace.

For those of you who are currently blissfully unaware, please be warned that reading any further may render you vulnerable to the bright lights and pseudo-competitiveness of this ‘virtual community’ come online personality casino. Myspace is a social network which currently hosts over 80 million users worldwide. Apart from plain old civilians, users also include bands, artists, comedians, clubs and organisations. Basically, it acts as your own personal website, and allows you to upload a photo and information about yourself without knowing any HTML code. You can then personalise the look and feel of your page through some easily downloadable programs.

Once you’ve activated your ‘space,’ it’s in your best interest to find some friends – just like in life. Everyone’s Myspace page gives you the option of ‘adding them as a friend,’ – just like in life. In turn, that person then has the choice to add/reject you – just like in life. Once you’ve accumulated a few pals, you then have the luxury of choosing your ‘Top 8’ friends – just like in life. Everyone from Willie Nelson to Goldfrapp have their own Myspace pages, and you can add them as friends – just like in life, providing they oblige, which they usually do – just like in life. The reality of Beck sitting in front of his computer all day seems a little outlandish to swallow, but I bet even his minions are groundbreaking trailblazers.

Borrowing from the Blogging world, Myspace also allows you to leave comments on other people’s pages. Often a good ice breaker is ‘hey what’s up? I’m so bored. School really sucks.’

Some other tokenistic Myspace behaviour includes:

The carefully angled hyper-contrived photo.
Overwhelmingly ‘busy’ use of background patterns and colours, like an excited Nan doing a desktop publishing course at TAFE.
Self-promotion Nazis, clumsily zapping out e-flyers like a virus in tight denim.
Invites to strange, obscure events by strange, obscure people.
The clever dicks who have subverted the high school fickleness of the Top 8 friends by somehow making it a much more adult, democratic, Top 16.
The inane, childish, yet somehow unavoidable and necessary sense of competiveness upon seeing how many page views and friends other people have.
The dizzying blend of blatantly self-aware time wasting and Pavlovian soul salivation when you receive friends request and messages.

In conclusion, Myspace is awfully good for indie-artists, as you can upload your own songs for a potentially massive and eclectic audience, and make yourself easily contactable to hypothetical/fictional industry personnel. Apart from this, it could be deemed as nothing more than novelty cyber-fluff synthesising the degrading social mind-set of teenagerdom with all the intellectual depth of an online personality quiz. But I dare you to have Sarah Blasko accept you as a friend and not surrender yourself to the spiritual hot-sauce of the Myspace empire.

Please add me as a friend. I promise I’ll say yes.
(The authors gallant salivation leaves a myriad of rainbow stars on the screen)

For more information and a fact sheet, check out. www.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MySpace

GOT A COMMENT ON LAPTOPPING?
Go to dev2.topfive.com.au/ and say things with words you bucket of ideas!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Adam: “Yesterday in Bunnings when Toto’s ‘Africa’ was played over the store radio. I was enraptured to the point of tears. Then a store clerk came over and asked if I was hurt.”
Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at dev2.topfive.com.au/
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
[email protected] with the subject line “Clarity starts at home.” We’ll be okay. Really.

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This email, and the Piglets transboogied with it, are quite nice really and intended solely for the misuse of the hoodlum or Commodore 64 technician to whom they are fired from a cannon. If Yuri is not the pregnant cricket nurse, then look matey, you are barking up the wrong tuckshop grugfest 2006 virtual bert Newton dance floor anti-depressant vendor and Yuri is not half-witted enough to distribute or toot-toot this email or lavish pastry or many of its emotional attachments in any way, except on a flaming motorcycle. We also request that you advise the sender of the way they pronounce and spell Broccholi.

This edition of LapTopping may contain traces of earnestness and was prepared on the same equipment that harvests pretty murky, serious poetry. LapTopping cast and crew choose to stay indoors and frown at their unshaven, wild-eyed blunderbuss selves in the mirror while pawing clumsily at their pseudo-androgynous Missy Higgins-esque hair-arrangements. Management requests that patrons do not forget about sayings such as ‘Whoopy Doo.’ LapTopping administration wishes to advise that at any given minute you are loved by someone, somewhere and to sleep safe, or else.
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In loving memory of Pooglet! R.I.P. 10/6/06-11/6/06

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Team Pooglet! E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 51
Friday 12th May 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 12:46
dev2.topfive.com.au/
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
**I’m So Post Modern Nationalish Tour May/June ‘06**

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Emilio Estevez 44 today!
Happy Birthday Bea Arthur 82 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Danny Wood (New Kids On The Block) 36 on Sunday!
Happy Birthday Dion McCall 25 on Wednesday!

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

Pepper by The Butthole Surfers.

“I don’t mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows. I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes.”

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TOURIFFIC!

Hey there Admiral Fuzzwicket! Pre-order your Cheesymite Scrolls! Build a cardigan hammock and swing wildly while thumb wrestling yourself and commentating in Shakespearean dialogue in a Samuel L Jackson Pulp Fiction style. (ie Your blind digit! Your blind! I’m gonna squash you like I squashed your brother) cos The Bedroom Philosopher’s first nationalish tour of a lifetime is here, pretty much! Sorry Perth!

We’re talking seven cities. We’re talking major indie music venues. We’re talking revolutionary supports. We’re talking the launch of the new limited edition Folkstar / I’m So Post Modern double A-side remix maxi single with ten tracks on it and the Pomo filmclip. We’re talking the debut of B.P T-shirts! Available only at the gigs – and then later awkwardly by email. We’re talking new songs! New routines! A novelty hammer of some kind! A wig! A dance routine that has been described as Beyonce wrestling Joanna Newsom in an octopus costume on the conveyer belt of a Quattro factory! We’re talking encores, intermissions, half-time entertainment, a cliffhanger, cameos by actors from Raw FM, a ringtone D.J., live stuffed animals, crispbread girls, stuff and possibly even things!! Would love to see you there. Mention Team Pooglet and get a sweaty, gnarled, manic look of glee from me after the show!

Want to join the Team Pooglet street team? Send me your address and I’ll post you some posters to put up and your name will be on the door at the gig of your choice!

Details below:

Tue 23 May ADELAIDE – GRACE EMILY HOTEL plus The Beards (The Beards are a concept band who only sing songs about beards.)

Thur 25 May MELBOURNE – EAST BRUNSWICK CLUB plus Martin Martini & The Bone Palace Orchestra + Sam Simmons + Josh Earl (Martin Martini are a gorgeously blood curdling gypsy circus jazz swingset of articulate calamity. Sam Simmons is a complete unit of man who just got nominated for a Barry Award for best show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Josh Earl is co-member of the Renegades of Folk and an indie-pop knight.)

Sat 27 May HOBART – THE VENUE – plus Matt Sertori + Sam Nicholson (Matt once got a glass thrown at him for singing a song about the Gunns president. The next week he showed up at the same songwriters night in cricket pads and a helmet. Sam is ex-member of seminal Hobartian comedy duo Sam & Tully.)

Tue 30 May CANBERRA – TOAST – plus Matt Kelly + The Dads (Matt Kelly used to be in Harmonica Lewinski’s and Urban Turban and writes some of the best acousta-poppin ditties around and has a beautiful voice. The Dads are all dads! Yes. But young dads. All 20-something. Possibly like the beards. But dads. Without beards. Maybe beards. I haven’t seen them in a while. Jeez lay enough with the details.)

Wed 31 May SYDNEY – HOPETOUN HOTEL – plus Pomo Mofo’s (DJ set) + Like People + Richard In Your Mind. (Pomo Mofo’s are like Devo and Tism and Blondie. Richard in your mind are like Donovan meets Flaming Lips meets Jefferson Airplane and they all eat Le Snaks. Like People have choreographed dance routines.)

Fri 2 June NEWCASTLE – LASS O’GOWRIE HOTEL plus The Klaff Bros. + La La Land (The Klaff Brothers have twelve members and are kind of like an art-folk Polyphonic Spree. La La Land do something interesting with a melodica and a quilted rug.)

Wed 7 June BRISBANE – THE TROUBADOR plus James O’Brian (The Boat People) + Namaste Jake. The Boat People are a brilliant band – and James is from them. Namaste are an uber-succinct funk 3-piece.

All shows 8pm and $10 except Melbourne which might be a cheeky $12 and Newcastle which is FREE! See you there!

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THE INGREDIENTS IN A DRUMSTICK ‘LOADED’ CHOC CHERRY ICECREAM

Water, Sugar, Flour, Cream, Vegetable Fat, Milk Solids, Glucose Syrup, Coconut, Skim Milk Concentrate, Cocoa, Cocoa Butter, Maltodextrin, Raspberry Puree, Raspberry Juice, Cocoa Mass, Invert Sugar, Modified Starch, Cherry Juice, Glace Cherries, Emulsifiers (322, 471), Colours (150, 152, 155, 102, 129, 123, 110, 124, 163), Food Acid (330, 334, 357, 368), Humectant, Potato Starch, Wheat Starch, Glazing Agent, Salt, Cornflour, Mineral Salt, Preservatives (220, 221), Enzyme (Invertable).

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TOP FIVE ALTERNATIVES TO ‘An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.’

1. A mandarin a second, torlet will beckon.
2. A parsnip a minute might make you infinite.
3. A snickers an hour keeps the dentist empowered.
4. A banana a year – you’re over-reacting Germaine Greer.
5. A lobster a century if you’re stuck in a penitentiary.

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NEW SEGMENT! PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at [email protected]

Overheard on a Clifton Hill Bus, Melbourne: “She drives like a grandma, she dresses like a grandma but she acts like a four year old.”

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****

From Alan ‘Wombat’ Moyle, of Launceston.

“My lovely friend and colleague Fuji S2 Pro Camera was knocked out of my hand on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. The lens went into two pieces and the camera won't turn on. Sniff. I had to buy a new camera as the other sits waiting to be fixed when i get back to Melbourne. The lens has been repaired and is working nicely.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
*************************************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]

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RIDICULOUS SKETCH IDEA

A wee while back I put a call out for some ridiculous sketches that I might pitch to Ronnie Johns Half Hour ‘on behalf’ of you. Here’s a couple from Team Pooglet member Glen Skiller:

A woman is reading a book in a library. She puts the book down and walks over to the ladies torlets. She goes inside where a couple of women look down towards her feet and laugh. She looks down, notices that one of her shoes has a book stuck to it, and runs out crying with embarrassment.

It is a woman’s birthday but she goes through the day getting increasingly angry as no one in her family seems to remember. By the end of the day she is fuming and finally confronts her husband as they go to bed that night. Her husband says, “Oh…didn’t I tell you? We’ve become Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Ten phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:

NOTE: I applaud the fact that someone has managed to already abuse this system. I’m awfully curious to know what said person was hoping to find when they typed in ‘justin heazlewood smells his own fingers after he poos.’ Anyway.

“gimick browny”
“i hate sydney Melbourne”
“the wonderful story of how you were born”
“postmodernism funerals”
“bruce samazan birthday”
“gobbledock pictures ruffles chip”
“sassy nurse with a gloved hand”
“gorillaz stole my lyrics”
“yahtzee score sheets” (my favourite of all time)
“how do you do a rainbow pash” (does anyone know?)
“justin heazlewood is a bum bum head” (jeez talk about backlash)

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, The Metaphysical Drummer.

Bogan
telescope
certificates.
Moog
hip
replacements.
Indie
cattle
velcro
worshippers.
Rudimentary
ankle
maths.
Primary
school
firewall.
Articulate
flange
mirth.
Chocolate
soap
icing
placenta.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS – COMEDY SIDE SHOWS OF THE TOUR (Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane)

• Saturday May 20 – MELBOURNE – Butterfly Club, Bank Street South Melbourne. Geraldine Quinn’s Edinburgh Fundraiser. Also featuring Josh Earl, Fiona Scott-Norman. $25/20. Geraldine is a blistering hot-pocket of folk-core grrl queen sun-searing energy. Do see!
• Wednesday May 24 – ADELAIDE – Rhino Room Comedy Night, Frome Street, Adelaide. Not sure of cost, but I’m headlining this one. 8:30pm?
• Monday May 29 – MELBOURNE – Local Comedy Concern, Cnr Carlisle/Chapel Streets Balaclava. I am MCing – which is a good chance to see what I do when I’m not holding a guitar. The enigmatic Sammy J, winner of best newcomer at this year’s Melbourne Comedy Festival is also on. $7. 8:30pm
• Thursday June 1 – SYDNEY – Mic In Hand, Friend In Hand Hotel, Cowper Street, Glebe. $10. 8:30pm. I’m a headlinin’.
• Sunday June 4 – BRISBANE – I’ll be playing three half hour sets in the Valley Mall, or Brunswick Street Mall, at 11am, 12pm and 1pm. Come along and request songs I don’t know!
• Sunday June 4 – BRISBANE – Brisbane Powerhouse Theatre. 6pm. Little else is known about this one.
• Friday June 9 – MELBOURNE – Playing at Geek @ Laundry Bar, Melbourne. This is unconfirmed, so check my website for confirmation. I’m set to play at 10:30pm.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by Crayola’s new 500-prong ‘art-suit.’ Children will love learning about art with this simple to apply nylon jumpsuit, every spare inch has been filled with a different coloured crayola crayon, simply cover your house interior in paper, apply the suit to the child, and let them ‘draw’ from experience. And now with special ‘sharpener helmet’ for parents and guardians.)

FROM ASSOCIATED PRESS

BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER OR BEDROOM TERRORIST?

Melbourne based comedian The Bedroom Philosopher AKA Justin Heazlewood was almost charged for inciting violence after the satiric message laced in an impromptu folk song was taken all too literally at a Melbourne Comedy Festival event last week. Performing as comedic duo ‘The Renegades of Folk’ on an outdoor stage as part of the ‘Big Laugh Out’ event, Heazlewood’s short solo set left the normally family friendly event in a state of anarchy.

‘The gig wasn’t going particularly well to begin with,’ said the Tasmanian-born comedian at a press conference delivered from his bed yesterday. ‘It was mainly kids and families staring at us as we delivered our folk versions of electronic songs like ‘Frontier Psychiatrist.’ Heazlewood said he was particularly unnerved by the presence of a man in a character costume, playing the famous purple Comedy Channel star mascot.
‘He was running around and kids were loving it and I just thought it was kind of rude, like, split focus for the audience, while we and other comedians were on stage.’

The trouble began during The Bedroom Philosopher’s solo section of the performance. ‘I started singing a song about how it wasn’t easy being up on stage when a purple star was running around,’ said Heazlewood between mouthfuls of toast, ‘and the chorus went ‘let’s all push over the Comedy Channel star, let’s all push over the Comedy Channel star,’ and within about ten seconds two punk teenagers with mo-hawks have appeared from nowhere, and crash tackled the star to the ground.’

At this point, Heazlewood said he wasn’t sure how to react. ‘I sort of said, don’t all look at me like I’m responsible for that. Those kids look at least fifteen, if they’re old enough to rent an M fifteen plus video, then they’re responsible for their own actions. Josh (Josh Earl, co-member of Renegades of Folk) later said I could have started singing about burning down federation square and they probably would have done it.

The incident caused the star to cease all promotional activities, the actor playing the mascot saying that the song had set a precedent and he feared he would be pushed over again if he went back out. He later complained of a sore back and that he would need to go to hospital. Heazlewood said he was quite rattled himself by this stage.

‘I started to panic, and felt like some kind of acoustic monster. Luckily the organiser of the event reassured me and said that it was hilarious and everything would be okay.’

According to reports, a few days later the actor playing the star contacted local police and tried to have The Bedroom Philosopher officially charged with inciting violence. So far no charges have been laid, and police have allegedly said that in this instance, only the boys who attacked the star would be questioned, although no evidence suggests they have traced the culprits.

Heazlewood was naturally philosophical about the event. ‘It’s made me realise that you can’t underestimate the power you have when you’re onstage. I never meant to have the star taken out, I guess I just wanted to startle him a little. It’s going to make me think twice before encouraging an audience to be violent. If I only I could’ve harnessed the same power to make them laugh.’

THE END

GOT A COMMENT ON LAPTOPPING?
Go to dev2.topfive.com.au/ and say things with words!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Scott – “Australia day at the Pot Belly in Belconnen. I made a booboo.”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at dev2.topfive.com.au/
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
[email protected] with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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This pikelet, and the flibbitygibbets transmitted with it, are confipoogletal and intended sadly for the use of Jemima or affiliated boobstoners to hoot they are distressed. If dude are like, totally, the intended recipe for steak sandwhiches, dude are like, so, not Sandra Sully’s movie world sipper, or legally privileged seed bells to distribute or snack, or nibble, or place anywhere near baby’s mouth this e-nugget or many of its emotional attachments in any way, except brushcutter. Wee on request, that dude advise like, Dr sender of his penchant for labeling and military grammar, violin socks, so freaking incorrect, go make a cassette of this transcript and draw a pirate on it.

This wiggitawhack has been smacked for six, steam cleaned, oxidized and placed in a single bed to read Fozzie Bear’s adult novella ‘wukka wukka why?’ Alrighty dude no compootywooty woo woo virusbots were detectives, Maladroit emo wanabees and their resulting side-swept fringes are in every way responsible for over analysing of their own daily trivial matters. Any stereotyping, cliché upholding, satirising, characterising of, or belittling of these Placebo listening grizzle gondola’s of feeble intensity are prohibbiwibble, and will definitely result in a new Jimmy Eat world album. LapTopping chooses to stay indoors and is dressed by Gridley Sweepstakes the half chimp – half sunflower.
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