Author Archives: justin

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 50
Tuesday April 11th 2006
Estimated Reading Time: 10:24
dev2.topfive.com.au/
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
www.myspace.com/renegadesoffolk
**RENEGADES OF FOLK @ The Melbourne International Comedy Festival. April 13 – May 7**

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Claire Danes 27 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday Shannen Doherty 35 tomorrow!
Happy Birthday David Letterman 59 tomorrpw!

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LAPTOPPING GOLDEN JUBILEE EXTRAVAGANZA WHIRLPOOL

Fifty Issues. *Justin breakdances enthusiastically in a pirate suit then ‘walks the plank’ to casualty ward*

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TEN SONG LYRICS THAT AREN’T REALLY TRYING VERY HARD

“I love my shirt, I love my shirt,
In fact I love my wardrobe.
I love my shirt, I love my shirt,
My shirt is so comfortably lovely.”

I Love My Shirt – Donovan

“I'm in a high school baby, yum yum
I'm in a high school baby, yum yum
I'm in a high school baby, yum yum”

High School, Yum Yum – The Donnas

“I got a backyard
With nothing in it
Except a stick
A dog
And a box with something in it.”

The Hardest Button To Button – White Stripes

“I've been missing you I really should be kissing you.
Honey to the Bee that's you for me.”

Honey To The Bee – Billie
(The website stated ‘Billie Piper lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only.)

“Hamagangur, Ég Þusti Niður Að Læknum, Bjargvættur.
Ég Gerði Skip Tilbúið Og Fór Með Litla Bæn Því Ég Var Hræddur.”
Flugufrelsarinn – Sigur Ros
(I’m not being racist, they make up their own language)

“Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive.”

Eye Of The Tiger – Survivor

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no there's no limit!
Ow! Hey yay yeah hey hey!
Now, now, hey yeah yeh hey hey! Hoo!”

No Limits – 2 Unlimited

“If you need some lower level
I'll be your elevator
If you want a sure glide
And if you need some time I got forever
I got you stuff ain't that enough?”

Apple Eyes – Swoop

"All of the king's horses and all of the king's men couldn't put my heart back together again."

The Humpty Dumpty Love Song – Travis.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let's go for a drive
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, ooh ooh
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let's go for a drive
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, let's go there and back again
Baby baby.”

Driving Rain – Paul McCartney

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JOIN ‘TEAM RENEGADES’ AND TURN FLYERS INTO SHOW CREDITS!

Ahem – yes, okay, it’s starting to sound like an ad for online gaming, but it’s legit and fully certified! If you’d like to spend an hour or so handing out Renegades of Folk promotional handbills that have been ever so beautifully designed by the brilliant Tammy Nicholson, outside Melbourne Town Hall, you can score yourself a complimentary ticket to the show and an authentic badge. Wow squared!

Simply reply to this email with your name, phone number and a rough idea of a date you would like to flyer, and when you’d like to see the show. Flyering can occur Tue-Sun between 6 – 9pm during the festival, April 13 – May 7.

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

“Never work with children or animals, unless you’re a vet or a primary school teacher.”
– Kerry The Metaphysical Drummer.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DECEASED
*****

From Jen Jewel-Brown, of Melbourne.

My refrigerator has gone to Refrigerator Heaven, a place made famous by renown metaphysicist Alice Cooper. I velcro'd (is velcro a verb?) shut her freezer cabinet one last time before she cried URA!-URA!-URA!-BUGETTY-BUGGETY-NGA-NGA-GOOOOOOOOON! A foul and noxious greenhouse gas filth (freeon?) spewed into the kitchen, engulfing my collection of 72 single pieces of crust still in the bread packet wrapper bags. I turned on the exhaust fan and ran. Good news is for $200 or less I can purchase a recycled, regassed & retarted-up one from the Phoenix Fridge Project at the Brotherhood of St Lawrence in Barkly St, Brunwick. Oh happy joy. My precious crust collection is safe.

xQuito Ray

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]

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HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the perkily complacent Cheyne, of Launceston.

My name’s Cheyne and this is my top 5 things to do when I'm bored

!. Hide some treasure where someone nice will find it.

@. Adopt an endangered animal. (mine’s an orangutan)

#. Make an icy pole using fizzy drink a plastic cup and a tea spoon!

$. Invent a new sport. (Latest is Urban Tennolf)

%. Get all your friends together and record yourselves improvising a puppet show.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except lime.)

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Ten phrases people have actually typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“how to animate rain”
“tammy the uni student”
“daryl braithwaite gay”
“bedroom philosopher and cut throats” (3 people. Pardon?)
“frunks”
“melissa tkautz website”
“denim laws in australia”
“meercat image”
“centrelink how to fill out the forms”
“coming out bi bed sleepover kissing depressed”

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

• The Bedroom Philosopher & Josh Earl in ‘The Renegades of Folk are The Renegades of Folk’ @ The Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Thursday April 13 – Sunday May 7. Tue-Sun. (No shows Mondays OR Anzac Day) Duckboard House – 91 Flinders Lane, Melbourne. $18.50/$15.50. 7:15pm. (6:15pm Sundays)
Bookings at: http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/season/2006/show.php?id=283

• Laughapoolooza is back. The musical comedy gala rollickment. Featuring acts such as myself, Josh Earl, Renegades of Folk, Tripod, Scardies, GUD, Tim Minchin, Eddie Perfect and Captain ‘others.’ WARNING: (captain others is not a new act, simple the Bedroom Philosopher’s way of presenting the other acts that may or not appear in a novel manner) Umbrella Revolution. Flinders Square. Tuesday and Friday nights from 11pm. $25/$20. (check www.laughingstock.com.au to check who’s on on the day)

• Sunday April 16. Supporting Scod Edgar (Tripod) & The Universe @ The Artery. Moor Street, Fitzroy. (Behind the Labour in Vain) $6. 3pm.

• Monday April 17th. Appearing at Local Laughs, The Local, Cnr Carlisle & Chapel Streets, Balaclava. $7. Night starts 8:30pm. Me around 10pm? MC Yianni, Tommy Dassalo + more.

• Monday April 24th. Renegades of Folk appearing at Local Laughs, as above. MC Fox K, also Andy McClelland, Vanessa Bennett + others.

• Friday May 12th. Appearing with Destroy The Boy, Diamond Dolls & Talkshow Boy @ Popshop Eurotrash. 18 Corrs Lane, Chinatown, Melbourne.

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by the Boobook Owl)

‘TEAM RENEGADE’ THE OFFICAL R.O.F. FANCLUB NEWSLETTER. Issue 12

G’day Folksters! Well it’s been a busy time for the boys as they prepare for their first Melbourne Comedy Festival show. The Bedroom Philosopher told us he’d been feeling ill from eating too many press releases. (The Renegades had them embossed onto chocolate for extra publicity!) While Josh Earl has been going to sleep every night with a harmonica in his mouth just to get in training for the gruelling three week season. They are excited about the show but apparently the Bedroom Philosopher had a nightmare where the show started fifty minutes late, everything was falling off stage, and there was only one guy, his dad, who he’d never met, in the audience, heckling them until they were all on stage hugging and crying. (He’s been having this dream since he was seven.) In a “Team Renegade” exclusive, Josh promised us that the show is brilliant and says if you Google ‘hilarious’ you’ll find a picture of the Renegades. (we tried but it didn’t work.) So make sure you get along and support the boys! There’s a special offer for ‘Team Renegade’ members, if you buy a ticket to the show and mention the codeword ‘GOLDEN WANG’ you should get a giggle out of the ticket girl!

RENEGADES OF FOLK FUN FACTS:
Did you know?
* Some of Josh’s favourite things are ice cream, reading NME and kissing!
• The Bedroom Philosopher hasn’t had a stable relationship for three years and he can’t stand rockmelon!
• The Renegades are good friends with The Dandy Warhols, Beck, Radiohead, Clap Hands And Say Yeah and Belle & Sebastian. (On Myspace!)
• When Josh was little he wanted to either be a policeman or a cavewoman!
• Apparently, if you play the Renegades’ version of ‘Frontier Psychiatrist’ backwards, it just sounds shit!
• The Bedroom Philosopher and Josh Earl have been best friends since high school and last worked together for the Parklands High School talent quest in grade nine. They won the audience prize with a parody of Gangsta’s Paradise called ‘Parklands Paradise.’ They were beaten by two girls doing a dance routine to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ They were beaten up by some grade ten boys as well. They are still waiting for their mars bar! And revenge!

TEAM RENEGADE MAILBAG!

Dear Renegades of Folk,
Youse are the best band in the world. Also I like coldplay. I wish I could see you play but I live in Toowoomba. Also I’m blind. Do you read all your letters or do you have people to help you like santa claws? My sister and I love glcok rockin beats and we tried to download it but there was heaps of porn. Anyway, gotta go. Love you so much.
Percy Carter, aged 93.

Dear Renegades of Folk,
Yeah, more like the renegays of folk. You guys are the worst abomination on the music scene since Bea Arthur did that spoken word album with Tokyo Ghetto Pussy. Hey Josh, The Presets want their look back, and Philosopher, Graham Garden was so twenty years ago.
Percy Carter, aged 93.

TEAM RENEGADE COMPETITIONS!
Can you think of a good idea for a competition? Send in your entries via www.myspace.com/therenegadesoffolk and the best entry will become the competition in next month’s issue.

Ask the RENEGADES
Q. From Anna Plimpton, Collingwood.
“Hi guys, I’ve had a band for about a year and we’ve just recorded our album but I don’t know much about the business side of things and promotion and all that and I was wondering if you guys had any tips. Cheers.
A. Hey there Anna. Well, there’s no precise ‘set of rules’ in the music industry, and often it can just be about being in the right place at the right time. It’s good to do whatever you can to stand out and be original. For example, we dressed as a pantomime donkey and walked into Shock records carrying a basket of albums around our neck. It was actually just the factory part where they distribute DVD’s, and the cleaner told us to get out, but at least we created some ‘buzz.’ Good luck!

That’s all folks! See you at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and keep folkin!.
Visit www.myspace.com/renegadesoffolk to hear the Renegades version of ‘Frontier Psychiatrist.’

GOT A COMMENT ON LAPTOPPING?
Go to dev2.topfive.com.au/ and say things with words!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out dev2.topfive.com.au/ and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Steph – “when my lego trolley collapsed in the middle of aisle 4, and the singular nut rolled under the shelf. 'Twas too dark to see what else was about, so hands had to fumble around in the dust and rubbish. The only proper item one could find was a tin of roma tomatos. My nut is forever gone. This makes me terribly upset….”

Back issues of LapTopping can be witnessed and commented on at dev2.topfive.com.au/
To be removed from this Ezine send an email to Bev in Admin at:
[email protected] with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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Don’t worry what other people think about you, because everyone’s too worried about themselves to be ever looking at you THAT closely. You are an infinite rainbow spacebag of cosmic yay-yay. Life is short. Get a wriggle on Pooglet!

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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 49
Sunday March 12 2006
Subscribers: 1120
Estimated Reading Time: 10:24
dev2.topfive.com.au/
**Melbourne Welcome Home Gig @ Rob Roy March 23 with Scod from Tripod!**

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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday James Taylor 57 today!
Happy Birthday Liza Minnelli 59 today!
Happy Birthday Jack Kerouac 83 today!

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TOP 5 POETIC LITTLE MOMENTS FROM MY LIFE LATELY

1. I didn’t have enough finger nails to scratch off the indicator panels on the back of my antibiotics packet.

2. I got a phone message from someone I don’t know at 2am on a Saturday. It was a guy’s voice saying ‘Justin, this is Tina, I really need to talk to you, if you come back, I promise I’ll take down the Christmas decorations.’

3. Due to the design of my phone, sometimes if I leave it in my pocket, the same button being pressed over and over will ensure that it sends out picture messages. Thus, my friend Sam received nineteen copies of my Tasmanian cat, blossom. Nokia’s psychopath-in-training function.

4. I finally snapped at a taxi driver. After countless instances of this classic routine:

Justin: Can I go to (insert address) please?
Taxi driver: ‘how do you get there?’
In a feverish state, and running late, I countered with ‘you tell me, that’s your job.’ I soon regained composure as the taxi driver handed me the street directory.

5. I’ve just discovered that a song from the latest Eels album, ‘Understanding Salesman,’ has exactly the same chords as a section from my song ‘Smells Like Hellyer Spirit’ that I wrote for the Hellyer College Year 12 graduation in 1998. A threatening email will be sent to [email protected], regardless of whether that is the correct address.

6. (BONUS) My friend Leigh Rigozzi, while in France, saw Uma Thurman, right after receiving the last LapTopping, “Uma Thermos.” In his words, a good dose of cosmic synchronicity. Beware the power of the pun.

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

“I’m nothing if not self-deprecating.”
Justin Heazlewood.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****

From David Blumenstein of Melbourne.

“The cheap CD/double tape deck boom box that lives in our bathroom is dying. It still plays the radio, and one tape deck kind of works, but CDs just make "brrrRRROWWRRWRRRRIPPPPP" noises. Its activities over its long life have included dubbing me mixtapes, recording the first ever playing of The Beatles' new song "Free As A Bird" (off Anthology 1) and spinning Deep Purple songs for me to sing along to in the shower. Its final major act before "end game" was to play my band's hot metal song while we filmed our music video on location in a park.

It can never be replaced, but if it has to be, maybe it could be by an even older boom box I find on a nature strip.

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
[email protected]

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HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the gorgeously astute Maddy Feline, of Wollongong!

1. Seeing ducklings at university and reminiscing on the time I was 4 years old and had vivid fantasies of freezing time and being able to walk on water so I could steal a duckling. NB Seeing rabbits at uni produces comparable happiness, especially when chasing them.

2. Free clothes, especially ones which were found on the road by your drunk friends who thought they belonged to you, and so carried them all the way back to the party screaming "Maddy! Why are you naked??"

3. Playing the typewriter. "clack clack clack ding! clack clack clack ding!"

4. Talking to my cat. Also, walking around the neighbour hood and meeting new cats. You have to have a good eye for spotting them under a tree or something. Then meow, and if they're friendly, they'll come over and give you a good rub.

5. Random Valentine's Day. It comes when you least expect it, always pleases, and has nothing to do with Hallmarks, overpriced dead flowers or cheesy annual traditions.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except ‘schindler’s list pinball games.’)

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TEN PHRASES PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY TYPED INTO GOOGLE TO LAND ON MY WEBSITE:

“smirnoff & chest palpitations”
“snowy chow”
“what primary school did ian Thorpe go to”
“josh canberra girlfriend”
“nuttellex squirrel”
“baggy grey jumper”
“masoganist” (which is funny because it’s misspelt)
“adam gilchrist childhood”
“money wallet average amount trivia”
“merrick and rosso best jokes”

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, The Metaphysical Drummer.

Joke:
Q.
What
Do
You
Call
A
Meeting
Of
Dyslexic
Aboriginals
Who
Have
Had
Their
Friends
Stolen?
A.
A
Cobber
Robbery.

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NEW! INBOXING!
A delightful plucking from the Bedroom Philosopher mailbag.
(Some letters have been edited.)

From: Alex. (email address disclosed)
To: [email protected]
Date: 22/2/06

Justin heazlewood, i love you. will you marry me? you have to write more or i will come to your house and kill you. ok? ok.
good.
i just got back from a violin lesson.
guess what i did today?? its amazingly amazing.
well, i had swimming in the morning, then school, which is gay and complicated. and at school i had an english essay to write and then double maths and i fell asleep because i was tired because i didnt really sleep last night. and then i had some other gay subject i cant remember then i had softball after school and then i walked home at 5.30 and then, i got home at 6.00 and then i left for violin at 6.30. and then i got back now-ish.
have you seen children of the corn?

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne and Adelaide)

• Friday 17th March. Appearing at Laughapoolooza at Umbrella Revolution, Garden of Unearthly Delights, Adelaide Fringe Festival. 11pm. $20? Also featuring Tripod and other superstars of this particular genre.

• Wednesday 22nd March. Appearing at ‘sneak previews’ @ The Butterfly Club Bank street, South Melbourne. $15/$12 also featuring Corinne Grant and Adam Vincent. Last time I played here I forgot the lyrics to ‘I’m So Over Girls’ and it was awkward and now the manager of the venue hates me.

• Thursday 23rd March. FEATURE GIG. Headlining @ The Rob Roy 51 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy. Put this in your diaries or jot on the back of a receipt and throw it at the dog or whatever you people do. Very special guests the authentic strum-smith Scod Edgar (Tripod) & Josh Earl. 8:30pm $8. See you there please? It’s worth seeing Scod and I stand next to each other, it’s like that scene from Back to the Future 2. New songs. New gimmicks. More questionable hair.

• Sunday 26th March. Performing a spot at the Comedy C’mon Down. The Cue. 277 Brunswick Street. Fitzroy. $5. 8pm?

• Monday 27th March. MCing @ The Local. Cnr Carlisle & Chapel Streets, St Kilda. $7. Acts include the wonderful Andy McClelland and Lawrence Leung

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by the 2006 Melbourne Commonwealth Games “Because we’re desperate. There’s still tickets available to your own enthusiasm.”)

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S GIG DIARY.

February 15. University of Canberra Commencement Ceremony, Canberra.

About 600 kids and parents poured into the boiler room. This is the name given to the lecture hall. I was still a bit panicked that my speech would be too jokey. It probably was, but it went down a treat. Highlights included:

“Don’t procrastinate, ever. In fact, do all your assignments in the first week, just to get them out of the way.”

“You may find yourself in a position where you think you can get away with not going to a lecture. Just remind yourself that you’re probably paying anything from $50-100 dollars for it, and there’s no refund if you don’t go. Maybe treat them like ‘gigs’ that you’ve already bought tickets for, and print yourself out actual tickets and keep them in your wallet. Go, ‘all right Maureen Bettle’s doing a literary studies performance in 9B1 at 3 o’clock, and I’ve got the hottest ticket in town!’

“If you’ve just moved here and you’re still harbouring a long term relationship in your home town and find yourself leaving parties early to call them up and sitting in your room alone staring at their photo and crying. End it now.”

The vice-chancellor allegedly laughed, which, apparently, was the main thing. He even put in a plug at the end that I had CD’s for sale, so I think that was a good sign. Afterwards, I was being interviewed by the local magazine ‘Monitor’ (story here) http://www.canberra.edu.au/monitor/reports/200602_oweek/15_commencement.html
When a family approached me including a small, blind, Asian girl. She apparently loved my performance and said she could hear the audience ‘floating around the roof like balloons.’ It was her way of describing laughter.

February 15th Canberra Fringe Festival, Canberra.

Before my gig, there was an ill-advised Elvis impersonator booked. (Not one of the fringier acts that springs to mind…but I guess even the elvis impersonating community has it’s own 'fringe') He had been booked to take part in the ‘Eye of the tiger’ song competition where performers, obviously, do their own version of the Survivor classic. ‘Elvis’ apparently assumed someone would provide the backing for him – when this wasn’t forthcoming, he proceeded to do a half hour set, with no eye of the tiger, and the ‘tribute’ consisting of vegas style show tunes coming out of his weeny little kmart cassette stereo, while he wiggled his hips.

Half the audience left.

Every now and then he’d complain about the stereo situation, and I found it hilarious to imagine that it was the real Elvis, and the King had actually managed to defy death and be reanimated, and was complaining about the size of the stereo at his Canberra fringe gig.

When I came on, I had my walkman with me to tape my set, and realised that it had a cassette in it with music on it. I said ‘hang on, I’ve just got to do something’ and set up the walkman, pressed play, and stood there swaying intensely for a few minutes.

The gig was great. I sense I’m achieving a new level of vocal confidence, which is a great thing, and also a new level of onstage confidence, which is a dangerous thing. I ended up talking to a kid in the audience for about five minutes because he’d popped his pepsi can during a pause in one of my songs. I thought I might have traumatised him, but he came up in a karate outfit afterwards and bought an album.

February 16th. Toast Bar and Café, Canberra.

The fact that I actually had about 100 payers turn up early, saw me the calmest I’ve possibly ever been before a major gig. It was a long one, and I got through about thirteen songs, including the little played tune ‘Canberra World.’ I did a marvellous piece of self-hijacking, when I started to play ‘I’m So Post Modern’ and people cheered. I then stopped, and rabbited on about how it used to be a ‘bit’ of mine, to get people to purposefully cheer at the start of a song to make me feel like a big man, and so I could take the piss out of Jet, but now people were genuinely clapping at the start and it was overwhelming. I then got them to do it again, with a countdown, but it was so weird and contrived that I ended up playing Creep for no real reason.

A great moment occurred during ‘Generation ABC.’ I got some lines mucked up and sang ‘Eden Gaha was taken off the air after it left a kid half dead’ (it’s supposed to be mr squiggle was taken off the air after it left a kid half head…he tried to turn his tv upside down and it landed on his head / eden gaha was the quiz master on a little show called vidiot) So then I stopped and joked about how eden gaha was an ‘it’ and started impersonating Eden Gaha as a crazed robot who wanted to kill all children. And somehow blended that impersonation in with bjork, oh yes, because I’d only just made a joke about how much my bjork impression is like the line guy who goes ‘mmmmbah’ in the ‘drawn in white on a green background’ bit. So robo-eden gaha and hybrid bjork/line guy are having a conversation, and eventually ‘fall in love’ and start ‘getting it on.’ Breathy Icelandic mixed with robo Caucasian television presenter. Hot.

February 25th, Mandarin Club, Sydney.

Possibly one of my best gigs. Had a couple of fantastic made up song moments, (improvised songs are coming more frequently and easily these days…) Right at the start a little cluster of girls were being chatty, one of them yelling out ‘take off your pants.’ I promised that it would later happen, and got on with the show. I found, however, that a few songs later I was still noticing the same shrill, oestrogen filled budgie chatter coming from the corner. My recent ‘confidence’ which I discussed previously, led me to, half-way through ‘Love theme from centrelink,’ pull out my lead, walk off stage, (still playing the song) and trundle over to where the girls were. The main offender, who didn’t notice me until I was right next to her squealed with fright and tried to ‘join in’ on the song. However I stopped playing and said, in a telebanking kind of voice ‘If you’d like to hear the rest of the bedroom philosopher’s song ‘love theme from centrelink…listen to it.’ And walked back up on stage, plugged in and finished things off.

A few songs later, same budgies nest, so I stopped and stared at them, and ordered Levins, the event manager, to kick them out. The girls protested, so I had a long chat with them from the stage, making it sound very much like a break-up conversation. I told them that it wasn’t easy for me up on stage, and that I had to use tough love, and that it was better that this happened now rather than down the track. They agreed to be quiet.

Bus alas, a few songs later. I snapped.

I walked off stage, trying to seek a security guard from around the bar area.

(you must realise, that I have had people ejected from gigs before, so I knew it could be done. Once, at the friend in hand, some british backpackers were acting like tossers in the front row before my set. I’d just been handed a box of obscure South African chips that my friend Leigh had found on the street, so I took these up on stage, and made the box talk and said something like ‘Grendley, the safety monster says, if you’re sitting in the front row, don’t talk during the acts’ and then made all the chips go on the backpackers, who proceeded to throw them around and be even more rowdy. I then simply said ‘sam’ (guy running venue) Get security, I want these guys out of here. And three minutes later security appeared and made them leave. The crowd went nuts. ‘If only I had that power in high school” was my final retort.)

No security guard at the Mandarin. I would have to take matters into my own hands. I got up onstage and asked the audience to clap if the girls were disrupting their performance. Clapping was heard. I walked over to the girls, my mind ticking over like the Terminator’s when it’s trying to work out if it can fit into the biker’s biker gear, only I was trying to work out if I could physically pick up and carry out one of the girls. They looked soured and indignant. ‘We won’t talk anymore’ was their response. But this time I just stood there like a disappointed P.E. teacher and said ‘no, I’ve got a two strikes rule, this is it, you’ve got to go.’ And then, one of them snapped, and got up and snarled ‘I’m writing a review for Rolling Stone magazine’ and stormed off, followed by the other girls. The crowd made a jerry springer like reaction. I ended up yelling something clumsy like ‘no stars for you’ still reeling from the fact that she might be telling the truth. My gullibility, especially in times of crisis, reaches dangerous levels. Apparently, she was just some Sydney uni chick, but I’m not totally convinced. I figured that even if she did write a review it would make me sound unstable and interesting. Hey, if Cat Power doesn’t have to play her songs properly, why should I?

Close friends have told me it was a hilarious incident, but that I was possibly a little too harsh on the girls, and that they were genuinely there to see the gig. If any of the girls are reading, and would like to make an apology, please feel free to do so.

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