Author Archives: justin

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LspTopping – The Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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Issue 41 – Wednesday 1st June 2005
Estimated Reading Time: 8:20
Subscribers: 776
**’In Bed With My Doona’ is now available in shops otherpluckers!** (see news section)
or buy it now here cheekily: http://www.sanity.com.au/product.asp?intProductID=619414&intArtistID=205093

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LT BIRTHDAYS!
Happy Birthday Deborah Harry 60 today!
Happy Birthday Jason Donovan 37 today!

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OPENING CEREMONY, with Justin.

CURRENT STATS:

It’s: 11:34pm
I’m drinking: Cask chardonnay.
My hair Needs work.
Pimples: are popping up, little ones (stress?)
I am: defiantly night optimistic

Hello my dear, dear and welcome to another instalment of my organic digital lasertreat! I for each and every one of you and hope that you find sliver-pulses of grin-flaring, peace-strutting, joy-soaking, plan-installing, emotional-jig-evoking life blood coursing through the luxuriously pink and structurally sound index finger that clicked you to me in your cheeky glimpse through the universe’s bus window of existence. Hot regards, Justin xx.

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REQUEST ‘IN BED WITH MY DOONA’ ALBUM IN SHOPS MISSION-A GOGO

HOW TO PUT ‘Public Relations for The Bedroom Philosopher’ on your CV or Centrelink form in 8 simple steps.

Step 1 – Go to a record store. (or ring up a record store)

Step 2 – Ask if they have ‘In Bed With My Doona’ by The Bedroom Philosopher. If they are saucy, flirt with them in your own ridiculously subtle way even though you know it’s futile.

Step 3 – If they do. Say ‘hooray.’ And buy it if you want. If not say ‘can you order that in?’

Step 4 – Get them to order it in (this may involve you giving them details – if you are really shy or sheepish give them my number and I will pretend to be you)

Step 5 – Run away and hide under the bed.

Step 6 – If, down the track they ring you up and you don’t intend to buy it. Hang up, and run away and hide under the bed.

Step 7 – Tell your friends and stuff.

Step 8 – Make yourself a happy tea cake and eat it in front of a mirror while listening to 70’s funk.

BONUS AREA’S OF P.R. YOU CAN HELP WITH.

I am making promotional album posters. If you think you would be able to put some of them up in record stores and other nifty areas, please let me know.
I am trying to plan a national tour. If you live in Brisbane, Adelaide, Darwin, Alice Springs or New York and know a bit about cool venues to play, please email me. If you live in other areas and know a bit about the in’s and out’s of such an endeavour or have some groovy contacts etc. – anything, of any value or level will be heartily yayed!
(Please note: At the end of the day, all thing’s considered – I don’t really know what I’m doing)

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“Got up at 4.00am (no joke!) Merle and Chris picked us up and we went off to Stanley. We caught (me and mum) 2 trevally and 2 mullet! They tasted great for tea that night. Came home. Didn’t do much. Bye man.”

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

“A living is made by selling something everybody needs at least once a year. And a million is made by producing something that everybody needs every day. You artists produce something nobody needs at any time.”
Thornton Wilder, The Matchmaker.

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TOP 5 WORKING TITLES FOR “KILL BILL”

1. Maim Wayne
2. Ice Bryce
3. Nail Gail
4. Decapitate Kate
5. Shoot Gruut (Norweigan)
6. Delimb Jim
7. Murder Joerder (German)
8. Injure Ninja (I’m struggling)
9. Slaughter Porter
10. Fatally Kick Mick (I give up)

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LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****
From Carly Heazlewood of Burnie, Tasmania.

“Mildred the electric frypan was tragically taken from us on Saturday 5/2/05, after only 3 years in operation. Mildred went out with a bang, causing a short-circuit which resulted in a respectful (if involuntary) moment of silence from the TV and fridge. We hooked her up to the multimeter hoping to see some sign of life, but in the end we had to
accept that Mildred was gone.

Mildred is survived by her loyal cupboard-mate George (the George Foreman
Health Grill).

Penne Boscaiola will never taste the same again.

Rob & Carly.

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

One
Christmas
I
Fell
Face
Down
A
Flight
Of
Bumblebees

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HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the ribaldically vivacious James Borman in Melbourne

1: Series 3 of Futurama. Not as laugh out loud as The Simpsons, but the relationship between Fry and Leela is very sweet.

2: “Touch me with your love”, by Beth Orton. The saddest, sexiest song ever

3: Fresh prawns with vodka dipping sauce. Nuff said

4: Realising you have a day off from work the week after xmas holidays end

5: My new blender. Anyone for cocktails?

(LapTopping wishes James good luck in getting on the new Sale of The Century. He has so far been a back up for one episode. He makes trivial pursuit look like snap.)

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy)

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

1st June (today….oh where’s the year gone Mildred – hello winter my old friend)
Doing a rare guitarless feature at Babble Spoken word Explosion. Bar Open – 317 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, Melbourne. $5 8:30pm night starts.

6th June – RENEGADES OF FOLK (Josh Earl and Myself) debut MCing stint at Melbourne’s leading interesting comedy night ‘The Local.’ Cnr Chapel & Carlisle street, St Kilda. 8:30pm kickoff $7. (this will be a ‘where were you when?’ gig. People will say ‘where were you when the renegades of folk were mcing the local, and you’ll say, at home, I was so tired… and they’ll say ‘me too…’ did you see denton? And it’ll go from there..’

9th June – North Melbourne Institute of Tafe daytime gig. Epping Campus. Cnr Cooper Street & Dalton Road Epping, Melbourne. 12pm start. (if anyone actually comes to this I will probably, in all seriousness, cash in my life insurance and arrange to meet and shout you for lunch for the rest of the year.)

NOTE: All gig information is probably incorrect at time of printing. For any additional information, or to discuss any matters that may effect your attendance at one of these life changing events please hesitate to contact the Bedroom Philosopher directly at [email protected]
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration at:
[email protected]
with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Dan – Looking through my bedroom window to see my teddy bear Mr Schnookems being molested & devoured by the next door neighbour’s Pomeranian.”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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DISCOGRAPHY

• The Bedroom Philosopher’s Debut Studio Album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ is now available in all good and beige record stores near you!
• To be honest, about 5 copies of the soon to be disgustingly rare and e-bayable ‘Living on the edge…of my bed’ Bedroom Philosopher album released in 2002 are left in my room. If you would like a copy, I reckon you might want to order one NOW Pooglet!

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IMPORTANT

The pollops transmitted are for the ukulele of the intended showbag
only and may slurp confidential and/or legally privileged burpflakes.
Any review, retransmission, reheating, defrosting, stir-frying, disclosure, novelty hat-wearing, or other use of, or raking in sandals in reliance upon, this ghetto blasting pirouetting microcosm of solidified destiny fluff by persons or cauldrons other than the intended showbag is prohiwibble and may result in Rove’s child. If you have received this e-mail in error then please go to the nearest cinema complex and attempt to buy $10 worth of harmonica lessons with a pair of supermarket stockings and delete all copies of this universe together with any reincarnations. Do not try this in an igloo. Alcohol, illegal drugs, poisons, sharp objects and unprescribed medications are not good band names. If in doubt, consult the inner child you covered over with years of peer pressure and glorified media expectations. Poon yon keyring little moonscout.
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LapTopping Issue 40
Tuesday 29th March 2005
Estimated Reading Time: 7:42
Subscribers: 585
**Melbourne International Comedy Festival
The Bedroom Philosopher in ‘PYJAMARAMA’**

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LAPTOPPING AT A GLANCE!

——-Opening Ceremony With Justin.
——-PYJAMARAMA Positions Vacant.
——-Inanimate Objects – Sick Travel Clock from Taryn Cornell
——-Hap-Hap-Happy Top 5 from Jen Jewel-Brown
——-Kerry’s bit.
——-Latest News & Melbourne Gigs
——-Bedroom Philosopher Gig Diary Continues. What Happened in Hobart?

Plus other bits. All this for $-80! (money I would have made working)
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OPENING CEREMONY, with Justin.

, ,

CURRENT STATS:
It’s: 10:55pm
I’m drinking: Coke
My mobile phone is: In my backpack in the costume room at Duckboard House.
My heart is: a chicken in a pillowcase.
Bank account: $13.
Rent: Due Friday.
Possibilities: endless.
Assets: Computer. Freedom. Love.
Hard?: It’s all in the mind. Then the mind delegates it to the eyelids.
Worth it?: Surely.
Are we all in the same boat?: Yes. But the boat is large and the compartments separate and the partition décor individual.
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MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FOLKAMOTIVE:

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER IN ‘PYJAMARAMA’
The Basement Room @ Duckboard House
91 Flinders Lane.
Tue-Sun March 29 – April 17
9:30 – 10:30pm (Sundays 8:30pm – 9:30pm)
$18 full. $15 concession.
(2 for 1’s on Wed/Sun with presentation of a promotional card you can easily get from information booth at Town Hall (as for the ‘comedy wallet’) , or anytime you see me wandering around looking distant and troubled and handing out comps)

WHAT PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN SAYING SO FAR:

“Loved it.”
“There was a guy raving about your show.”
“I had a man come back to the information booth saying he really enjoyed it.”
“I had a friend who saw it and the word genius was used.”
“I nearly lost an organ laughing so hard. Even though I’ve already heard a lot of those songs before.”
“It was excellent.”
“I don’t know where you get the energy.”

POSITIONS VACANT:
Flyer Hander-Outerer and Show Talker Upperer

JOB DESCRIPTION: Work alongside me handing out Bedroom Philosopher flyers and complimentary tickets outside the Melbourne Town Hall between 7-9pm each weeknight excluding Mondays.

SALARY: Earn yourself free ‘Pyjamarama’ tickets and copies of ‘In Bed With My Doona.’ Bonuses include beers, rollies, and whatever I can find in my savings account.

PERKS: Have a valid reason to approach high profile comedians and chat up members of the general public. Flex your social skills, and hone your acting ability.

HOW TO APPLY: Email.

IS THIS FOR REAL?: Hell Yes. I AM a work for the dole activity.

PRESS RELEASE FOR ‘PYJAMARAMA”

There’s a party in his bedroom and everyone’s invited!

Australia’s favourite ‘Doona Crooner’ returns with a brand new glam-folk cabaret ‘Pyjamarama.’

Wearing his heart on his pyjama sleeve, The Bedroom Philosopher delivers Pyjamarama, a sing-a-long sleepover for the sleep deprived. Through a collection of new songs and old faves, Pyjamarama holds a cigarette lighter up to the life, thus far, of The Bedroom Philosopher, from his childhood in Tasmania, to the pitfalls of his dating career, to the geek chic ‘Folkstar’ of today, all the while seething with an undercurrent of Catholic confusion and only-child aloofness. If comedy equals tragedy plus time, then the phoenix of funny has arisen from the ashes of the Tasmanian bridges he’s burned.

Putting the ‘funk’ back into Simon and Garfunkle, the B.P. seduced audiences with his 2004 MICF show ‘In Bed With My Doona’. His natural charm and live stage antics made him one of the talking points of the festival. Buoyed by its success, he released the studio album, In Bed With My Doona. Described as the ‘Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy’, the album’s quirk-a-licious anthemic single, “I’m so post-modern’, currently sits on high rotation at Triple J.

With toe-tapping good time songs likes ‘Saving Myself For Marriage’, ‘It’s hard to Look Cool’, ‘Folkstar,’ ‘Golden Gaytime and Kicking the Footy with God, Pyjamarama has arrived and it’s up well past its bedtime!

“A new musical comedian for a new generation,” Beat Magazine

“Superbly crafted and fiercely clever songs… the envy of many a songwriter trying to get a laugh out of an acoustic guitar”, The Chaser

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LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****
From Taryn Cornell of Melbourne.

“I would like to report the illness of my travel alarm clock. after waking me up diligently at 6 am every morning in the rainforest here in ecuador, my precious little clock got sick on the travel back to the capital. he now ticks away with out a care in the world, but consistanly lets time slip through his little blue hands. I insist that he will get better- maybe its just the battery, maybe he misses the humidity. at any rate, I refuse to give up on him, as I went to so much effort to find him in the first place, and if I close my eyes and think really hard, its just like he has a heart beat. Poor soul.”

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

Vector
Cardigans
Sonar
Apricots
Graphite
Bath
Knockers
Hibiscus
Warrior
Flange
Laser
Kilts
Tied
Up
With
Singlets
These
Are
A
Few
Of
My
Favourite
Thinglets
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HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the cherishingly succinct Jen Jewel-Brown of Melbourne.

1 – Holding someone’s arm when they’re on crutches and about to dash
under a taxi.

2 – The thought that an election is impending and there’s a goodly chance
the abbott and costello and howard grimm’s fairytale might slide onto
the backbenches. (buggar! – Bev)

3 – My father’s annual phone call.

4 – Kissing.

5 – The moment before I realise I am having an allergic reaction to the
latex in my vibrator.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

(My Melbourne International Comedy Festival movements)

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER IN “PYJAMARAMA”
Duckboard House – 91 Flinders Lane
Tue-Sun March 29 – April 17
9:30pm (8:30pm Sundays)
$18/$15

LAUGHAPOOLOOZA
Umbrella Revolution (The tent at Federation Square)
Tuesdays and Fridays during the festival 11:15pm
$25/$20
Other acts include John Safran, Eddie Perfect, Gud, Scared Weird Little Guys, Tim Minchin, Josh Earl.

SCARED WEIRD LITTLE GUYS SUPERBAND
Festival Club – Hi-Fi Bar
Saturday 9th April
11pm onwards. $15
I am singing ‘Anarchy In The U.K.’

OTHER SHOWS I’D RECOMMEND
Josh Earl ‘Broke’
Tim Minchin ‘Dark Side.’
Nick Sun ‘A night of interpretive dance.’
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STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘Pear-Shaped Insurance. ‘ When things turn pear-shaped we turn heart-shaped’)

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER RECENT GIGS DIARY

January 21st ‘In Bed With My Doona’ Solo Show for Hobart Comedy Festival.
The Venue, Salamanca Place.

One of my best gigs ever. Had a heckler, who insisted on saying ‘show us your nuts’ at 8 minute intervals throughout show. He even said it before I went on. At that point I pulled at the pyjama pant esastic, glanced down and said ‘I’ll tell you about them later.’ Next time he did it, I started making up a song about him, then stopped after the first verse and said ‘you don’t deserve a chorus.’ I later on mumbled something about breaking down the fourth wall and breaking his neck. Next time, I turned the microphone to face him, and stood back, expectantly. He said nothing. Oh the irony! I blurted. Oh the irony! It’s hitting me around the head with a nine iron! I must have jinxed myself, as I’d been previously saying how I’d never had a proper heckler, and now one had paid $20 for the privilidge.

Kerry played a blinder, and had regular lines from his new book.

The amazingly wonderful team at the Hobart Comedy Festival had borrowed a Buzz Lightyear kiddies bed to have on stage especially for the show. (Not to mention a $120 wooden stool they borrowed for Kerry!) under the pretence that I, obviously, didn’t jump on it or damage it so they could return it.

I jumped on it and damaged it.

It was during folkstar. I broke a couple of slats. Afterwards, in pyjama soaked, fringe stroked disbelief, I offered that they take the cost of the bed out of my pay. They declined. (Bless) I think the bed is now in someone’s bedroom.

My friend Lix must be praised for her assistance in selling albums, and mesmerisingly pure messages of pride.

LUNCHROOMS. BELRIEVE OVAL. AUSTRALIA V PAKISTAN JANUARY 14

At 12:30pm the hilariously straight director of the Tasmanian Cricket Association introduced me and I stood infront of about 300 punters about to tuck into a smorgasboard in the training nets during lunch in a one-day international cricket match. It was one of the ultimate cases of a ‘stageaquarious’ a term I just made up for when the audience doesn’t know why the entertainer is there and the entertainer doesn’t know either. My shaky renditions of ill-advised hits such as ‘Kelly The Deli Girl’ and ‘You’re So Vague’ seemed to be comfortably lost on the capacity crowd. As was hastily prepared ‘cricketing audience only’ award-losing bits such as ‘I used to play for the Burnie Platypus, we took on Sri Lanka in 1993 and they scored 1094 and we were all out for 5, half of us were out hit wicket and the other were retired hurt, pulling hamstrings walking out to the pitch.’

I ended with ‘I got a girl’ which involves a love song where the object of my desire has her name replaced with a farty noise. This got some laughs and respectful applause. I then said ‘thanks very much, enjoy the rest of the day, go Pakistan.’ This got some respectful silence.

Afterwards, in the grandstands, the lady sitting infront of me (early forties, shortish hair, blonde streaks) Noted that she was in the audience for my set. The conversation went something like this:

WOMAN: I thought you were a bit pathetic.
ME: Oh. Oh well.
WOMAN: Yeah, I mean that fanny fart song was alright but I didn’t think much of the rest
ME: Hmmm.
WOMAN: And the hair. (laughs) You’ve got to fix your hair.
ME:
MAN NEXT TO HER: (chuckle…)
ME: Hmmm.
WOMAN: No, I thought it was a bit pathetic.
ME: Cool. (staring hard at cricket ahead)
WOMAN: Is your hair always like that?
ME: Hmmm.
40 seconds later
WOMAN: (Handing me her mobile phone) Look at this. Here’s a good joke.
(It is some dodgy pub joke about a jelly bean going into the doctor and the punchline is something about ‘you’ve been fu#*ing allsorts’)
ME: Yeah…
(This happens two more times. Four minutes later she turns and offers me her packet of deluxe American style jelly beans)
ME: No thanks.
(20 minutes later I leave. As I am walking down the steep stairs in the grandstand, the woman is walking up.
WOMAN: See you.
ME: Yeah bye
(As she passes, she reaches out her hand and lets it brush on my penis)
ME: (a few more steps down. Under my breath.) F%^@k off you stupid f@#ing bitch.

THE END

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Mel – last time i cried was when i poked myself in the eye with my eyeliner. i can’t believe how obedient i am to actually tell you that. :OBack issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

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IMPORTANT

The information transmitted is for the use of the intended recipient
only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged material.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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