Author Archives: justin

R.I.P Hunter S. Thompson (1937 – 2005)
————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 39
Tuesday 1st March 2005
Estimated Reading Time: 8:03 (longer if you spend time at the song workshop)
**Sydney gigs-a-gogo**

————————————————————————–

LAPTOPPING AT A GLANCE!

——-Top 5 Funny Sounding Train Stations Between Newcastle And Sydney And Their Meanings
——-Justin’s Dream Analysed!
——-Inanimate Objects – Sick Computers From Janet McLeod and Susannah Close
——-Hap-Hap-Happy Top 5 Punctuation Marks From Tammy Nicholson
——-Kerry’s bit.
——-Latest News & Sydney Gigs
——-Song Workshop! Help me with my song ‘Feryl Beryl.’

Plus other bits. All this for $-80! (money I would have made working)
————————————————————————–

LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday the late Johnny Cash, 77 last Friday!
Happy Birthday Alan Thicke (Dad from growing pains) 58 today!
Happy Birthday Jon Bon Jovi 39 tomorrow!

————————————————————————–

OPENING CEREMONY, with Justin.

, and welcome to the southern hemisphere’s favourite organic laser treat . I just wanted to say that wherever you are, whatever you are doing – I have this advice. ‘Dance like you’ve never been hurt, love like you don’t need the money and sing like nobody’s watching (which may mean you need to invite more people to your open mic gigs)

, Just x ++

————————————————————————–

TOP 5 FUNNY SOUNDING TRAIN STATIONS BETWEEN NEWCASTLE AND SYDNEY AND THEIR MEANINGS

1 – MORRISET – A term to suggest you own all the Smith’s albums.

2 – FASSIFERN – When a rainforest shrub moves to LA to pursue a movie career and turns fussy and sassy.

3 – WYEE – The sound of one getting philosophical on a rollercoaster.

4 – GOSFORD – A brand of motor vehicle targeted at young geese.

5 – WOY WOY – A term of exasperation commonly used in the pre-jurassic period when a warrior couldn’t find his cave keys.

Extra Features:

6 – ASQUITH – A tired and irritable toddler trying to say ‘Ice-cream.’
————————————————————————–

PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

LAST ISSUE’S DREAM: Well, there was some personal stuff about my mum driving a car off the side of a road and me getting really mad at her. Then my first long term girlfriend drove the car for a while, and I think later on I was back at my place in bed with her. I was disappointed because it kinda ended early. But THEN…I was an optimus prime, like the main guy out of transformers, the big blue truck, not me inside a suit or anything, I WAS optimus prime…but there was ANOTHER one that was chasing me. At one stage it fired at me by opening up a panel in its stomach and firing a small kitchen fork at me. This buckled me, and made my wheels kinda stretch out. Anyway, I think later on I remember firing back at him and one of my forks got him right in the head and I won.

INSTANT ANALYSIS!
From Mark Mason, Sydney

“You dream of being forked and forking others. You also think your forks are the strongest. I’d say you’ve got a bad case of ‘Utensilus Preposterosum’ or cutlery envy, a very rare but relatively harmless condition only cured by bragging about all the wonderful forks you’ve had in the past. Hence your mother and girlfriend appearing in the dream as well. I bet they’ve both provided some fork-worthy moments. I hope this hasn’t confused you like it has me.”

From Matt Sertori, Hobart

“The transformer thing is the recurring thing of you as a superhero. when u perform on stage u transform into this great comedian. But u r a very original alternative comedian and the audience and powers that be in the comedy world attack u and want to beat u like this other transformer but on stage u r not weak (like in life) u r strong and have super powers and fight back. and u fantasise that u will win one day thus the fork in the
head of the enemy (the bogun audience and the cliquely sterotyped comedy establishment). Its a very sad dream, sort of dream a young child would have. I worry about u if u ever stopped performing, I think u would really be depressed.”

**************************************************************************
LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
**************************************************************************

*****
SICK
*****

From Janet McLeod, Melbourne

“This is disasterous. The touch pad on my laptop has stopped working effectively. I have to spend half an hour performing strange stroking/coaxing motions to achieve anything at all. JUST because I spilt half a glass of Strongbow onto it. Appalling – I shall be contacting the store which sold it to me immediately. Once I sober up.
Oh, and my knock-off Rubick’s Cube has siezed up. That is all.”

From Susannah Close, Newcastle.

“The week before NYWF 04 and the same week as my major Aboriginal Studies
essay was due I turned on my trusty old PC (who has already had one big trip to computer hospital…that turned out to be the kind of saga where I wasn’t actually sure who it was that came and picked her up, and in turn if I would ever see her again, note that that happened the week of another major assignment’s due date) decided to play tricky buggers. I’d turn her on, and be met with a plain blue screen that had a little green frog in the corner inviting me to “log in”. When I’d press on this little frog, the closing down
sounds would play, and the little green frog would stay right where it was/is. As a result I wrote my essayby hand and typed it up on other people’s puters during their study
breaks.”

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

**************************************************************************

LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

The
Best
Things
In
Life
Are
Free.
Except
For
Gigs
Travel
Food
Movies
And
Imported
UK
Music
Magazines.
————————————————————————–

HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the hyper-graphically illuminous Tammy Nicholson of Melbourne.

Dear Bev

Here are my top 5 punctuation marks (and their names)

1. (
Parenthesis – a pair of parentheses can capture so much when you
don’t know how to construct sentences properly. I have a habit
of overusing them (as seen here).

2. ~
Tilda – I’m thinking of naming my first child “Tilda”.

3.
Backslash – a rebellious little character.

4. &
Ampersand – such a challenge to draw but so satisfying when you
finally work it out. I also like how some people draw them
backwards.

5. —
Em dash – so looong and greedy – it takes up the space of almost 3
whole letters!! Plus, it has the superpower of reformatting itself
into a hyphen, usually due to the monospace characteristic of such
fonts as Courier… sneaky little bugger.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————–

A GIGGLE OF GIGS (SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY)

LIVE WITHIN A 100km SQUARE RADIUS OF SYDNEY? WELL YOU MUST COME AND SEE “LAUNCHPAD”
March 15,16,17,18,19 (Tue-Sun)
7.00pm $19.90 $14.90
Downstairs Theatre
Seymour Centre
Corner of City Rd and Cleveland St, The University of Sydney
Strap yourselves in for an intergalactic rocket ride through the comedy universes of Nick Sun (2004 RAW winner), Sam Bowring (2004 RAW Runner Up) and The Bedroom Philosopher (Triple J) as they boldly go where no comedians have gone before.

Wednesday March 2

SYDNEY UNI O-Week. Night-time. Sydney Uni. Supporting Wil Anderson and THAT hypnotist! There will be allegedly 5000 people there. So I will break a string in the first song and crowd surf.

Sunday March 6

LAUGHAPOOLOOZA
Everest Theatre
Seymour Centre
Corner of City Rd and Cleveland St, The University of Sydney
7.30pm $31.90 $26.90
Those who would die for musical comedy we salute you!. Includes Eddie Perfect and The Self-Rightous Brothers (Jay and the Dr…JJJ)

Tuesday March 8

BARDFLYS POETRY CONCERN
Friend In Hand Hotel. Cowper St, Glebe. Night starts 8:30pm. $3/2

PS If you have a surplus of comedy budget. Also see Tim Minchin and Andrew McLelland’s shows.
————————————————————————–

STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘Evil Eda Automately. (you may know her from the creepy code letters she says at the end of Telstra messages. Catch her new stage show where she covers such hits as D.I.V.O.R.C.E and R.E.S.P.E.C.T!)

HERE ARE THE LYRICS TO THE LATEST BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER SONG.
ON PAPER, DO YOU THINK IT’S WORKING?
DO YOU HAVE SOME BETTER FERAL/GRANDMOTHER LINES/RHYMES/IMAGES THAT I CAN STEAL? ANYTHING I USE WILL BE REWARDED WITH A FREE ALBUM WITH A CRACKED COVER!

FERAL BERYL
(It’s quite a rocky/funky number. The chorus is very catchy. It’s a bit ‘megan the vegan’ esqe, for various reasons..but has a nanna impression in the middle)

The main gist is…a lot of people that are now 50 were young in the 70’s and I wonder if they are still hippies? Also, it’s raises the endlessly fascinating questions of what my generation will be like when we’re old and crusty. In high school girls were always writing poems about ‘I wanna die my hair pink and ride rollerblades when I’m a nan’ etc.
The line I’m least sure about is the second one…other rhymes for locks includes shocks, box, stocks, frocks, blocks, fox, grox…which isn’t a word. (unless you’re dr suess)

FERYL BERYL

She’s got blue rinse dread locks
Rastafarian thermal socks
Plays jon butler on her gramophone
Goes to nimbin to play bingo

She’s the mother of all grandmothers
She puts the rock in rocking chair…

She’s feryl beryl!
The nan with a plan
The nan with a plan

She plays bowls in the nude
So you can see her bless this kitchen tattoo
She’s got a budgie named zombie…
and a volvo combie
on her mantelpiece is kurt cobain
lotto numbers based on the bands birthdays (this scans terribly when sung!)
(I did have ‘she’s got kurt cobain on her windowsill – lotto numbers based on the sex pistols…but realised I meant mantelpiece, not windowsill)

she makes a killer hash trifle
does her weeding with a rifle

(Pre chorus)
She’s the mother of all grandmothers
She puts the silver hair in silverchair (I’m a freak)

(chorus)
she’s feryl beryl
the nan with a plan…
bare feet and gloved hands…

(BRIDGE)
She can’t understand young people nowadays
Business minded academic liberal voting and straight
She’s always talking about how it was in her day
Led zeppelin LSD bra burning and hey hey it’s Saturday

(nanna spoken bit)
yes hello mavis it’s beryl here…look I was just seeing if you wanted to go down to byron this weekend for the blues and roots festival…I’ve got us some tickets and packed a thermos of home brew and some vodka savouries…percy’s got a tent…but it’s gonna be totally mad and diedre’s got some pills for us…zarapax I think they are…really good for your blood pressure…anyway let me know…and if you’re not doing anything tonight I was thinking of cooking a tofu roast and getting to work knitting some hemp doileys…anyway let me know…cheers dude…

Plays Bacharach on her bongos
Axl is her favourite rose
Reads her grandkids Marxist gear
With a nose ring in her ears

She’s the mother of all grandmothers
A little bit skanky but quick with a hankie…

Lyrics by Justin Heazlewood 2005. Technically, you could release the single yourself and because I’m so poor and would be so in debt if I tried to take you to court, there’s nothing I could do.
————————————————————————–

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Paul – In a job interview (for a position as a bouncer).
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

————————————————————————–

**********************************************************************
IMPORTANT

The information transmitted is for the use of the intended sandal
only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged sprickets.
Any review, re-transmission, disclosure dissemination, eski wrestling,
butternut snap, or other use of, or recording of bananarama off
the toilet of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, or hiding
a packet of rubber bands so, or burdening your Gregorian uncle with,
this information by rudy trudy may leave an impotent microwaved
pastie on the inside of your percy percy If you wish to speak to
a bunyip, or have received this e-mail in terror then please apply
margarine liberally to the affected surfer. Delete all poppy’s of
this transformer together with any digital bails for virtual backyard
barry cricket. Management suggests that
your earnestness will be feared but encourages all parties to search
for the comfortable balance of expressing your inner desires without
freaking people out. There is a 5c refund for elephants under 3kg,
offer celebrates the release of rodeo bloopers volume cardigan.
May contain traces of insight. For a fact sheet and a nurse to come
and give you a morning handshake every third day, please contact
puce cabs on our private soap phone. Diaries deep fried before this
euxenite will be complicated.
**********************************************************************

————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 38
Monday 21st February 2005
Estimated Reading Time: 11:13
(For optimum reading pleasure The LapTopping team suggests copying into word, printing out and reading on public transport. Please do not take your computer screen with you, or attempt to trace over the words with tracing paper.)

————————————————————————–

LAPTOPPING AT A GLANCE!

——-In-Animate objects deaths by Helen Boutcher
——-Hap-hap-happy by Ladycracker
——-Top 5 best made up words and their meanings
——-Another one of Justin’s dreams to analyse.
——-Kerry’s bit.
——-News – Gigs
——-The Bedroom Philosopher’s Wagga Wagga O-week gig report!

Plus other bits. All this for $-80! (money I would have made working)
————————————————————————–

LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Seal 42 last Saturday!
Happy Birthday Justine Bateman 39 last Saturday!
Happy Birthday Phil Buckle (Southern Sons) 46 yesterday!

————————————————————————–

OPENING CEREMONY, with Justin.

Greetings my radiating, , you look how I feel, undefinable. Isn’t it funny how much mental exhaustion is caused by the notion that one is obliged to say things, even when you don’t feel like saying them a lot of the time? I have a good friend who sometimes saunters into the fray, only to announce ‘I’m feeling beige, I’ve got nothing.’ At first I was a little confronted, as this announcement seemed to violate the base laws of polite societarial conversing that I had bowed down to for so long. But like women burned their bras in the 60’s, my friend was protesting in his own way, that..if he doesn’t feel like talking much around his friends, then none of us should feel pressured. It does not mean he is some depressed person. He is simply not a 24-hour entertainment machine. How honest can you be with your friends in this way? Australian’s hate silence.

Happy breathing!

Cheers/Love Just xx (kisses optional) what about ‘++’ it is the new international symbol for handshakes.

————————————————————————–

ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven ‘Countdown’ diary)

EDITOR’S NOTE: As I still hadn’t started writing in it because school did not go back until March 5. Here is a bonus diary questionnaire that I filled in at some later stage.

MY MUSIC SELECTIONS:
Best record ever: Are you gonna go my way. Lenny Kravitz.
Best video clip ever: Are you gonna go my way. Lenny Kravitz
Worst song ever: (I started to write are you gonna go my way…then scrubbed it out)
Number of cassettes/cd’s I own: 3
Best song to dance to: Are you gonna go my way. Lenny Kravitz.
Most uncool record I own: Carlton tape!

————————————————————————–

TOP 5 BEST MADE UP WORDS AND THEIR MEANINGS

GAHACKAFROCK – To be talking to a girl wearing a nice dress and have a little bit of spit land on her shoulder.

FERNLISNAP – To be walking with someone in a nice park and suddenly get angry.

TESTEPLUMMET – The sensation of a young boy jumping on a trampoline in his underwear.

BOLOGINGSPOILER – When you experiment in your cooking and try putting ginger in spaghetti bolognoise.

THUNDYSPUT – The sound it makes when you’re halfway down the stairs carrying some hot porridge and you are startled by a loud clap of thunder during a morning storm and you drop the bowl.

————————————————————————–

PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

DREAM: Well, there was some personal stuff about my mum driving a car off the side of a road and me getting really mad at her. Then my first long term girlfriend drove the car for a while, and I think later on I was back at my place in bed with her. I was disappointed because it kinda ended early. But THEN…I was an optimus prime, like the main guy out of transformers, the big blue truck, not me inside a suit or anything, I WAS optimus prime…but there was ANOTHER one that was chasing me. At one stage it fired at me by opening up a panel in its stomach and firing a small kitchen fork at me. This buckled me, and made my wheels kinda stretch out. Anyway, I think later on I remember firing back at him and one of my forks got him right in the head and I won.

**************************************************************************
LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
**************************************************************************

*****
DEAD
*****

From Helen Boettcher, Melbourne

So dead.

The journal, a place I keep my deepest darkest thoughts. It’s funny that when the thoughts are light and fluffy, bright and happy they rarely find their way into the journal.

The blue cardboard cover is worn, ragged at the edges – yes, it’s been around for over a year now. So many times it has been held tightly between my hands, opened, looked at, pages turned, hand pressed against the paper as the mind orders the writing to take place. The writing is large, bold, slanty, full of passion and indescribable pain. I’m told that large cursive writing indicates a passionate, creative personality, but really, how can such a thing be measured?

And so, after a year of confiding to the closest thing I have to a friend, I find it is time to say goodbye, find it is time to throw the journal away into the dustbin of life, the dustbin where all such things must eventually go. It lived and now it is dead, never to be written in or looked at again. It’s better this way.

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

**************************************************************************

LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

If
Man
Is
Five
And
The
Devil
Is
Six
Then
I
Reckon
Meer
Cats
Are
In
Triple
Figures
At
least
————————————————————————–

HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the defiantly karma-savvy LadyCracker of Melbourne.

Dear Beverly

Wow things must have really changed for you since writing those great Ramona the Pest books. How are you doing? Are you thinning about bringing Ramona back as a 30 something yoga obsessed exec? Or bitterly disappointed lesbian?

Anyways the top five things that my boyfriend does that makes me happy:

1. Having the electric blanket turned on for me so it warm when it want to go to sleep.

2. Some weekends he does all the laundry and all my work clothes are ready on Sunday night.

3. He makes me laugh everyday about stupid things

4. He makes excellent Tuna pasta

5. He lets me choose what chocolate we have on chocolate night even if I what to have tripledecker which he doesn’t really like

thanks for letting me get that off my chest Bev.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————–

A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Newcastle, Melbourne & Geelong)

Wednesday February 23
NEWCASTLE UNI O-Week. 1pm. Somewhere there.

Wednesday February 23
THE ASA’S JANGLE GYM
Bar Open – Brunswick St – Fitzroy – doors open 8:30pm – $5
I shall be MCing from about 9pm. Featuring musical comedy superstars MAN BITES GOD! Headlining. Plus some excellent acoustic musicians supporting.

Friday February 24th – Fill Your Head – Mayfair – Smith St Collingwood – $5?
A newish performance art various artists thing. I am on at 11pm.

Saturday February 25th – Glitch Bar – North Fitzroy. 8:30pm.
Supporting Tomas Ford and his marvellous cabaret of death. Super poet should appear at this one too. Also featuring Klare Lanson and other cool dudes.

Sunday February 26th – The National Hotel – Geelong. 8:30ish.
Supporting Tomas Ford again. Don’t know much else.

————————————————————————–

STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘Senor Pullet’s Trick Chickens! Surprise your friends and disappoint your family with this vegetable based roast exploder!)

COOKIE VINYL AND HYPNOTISED ORGASMS!
The Bedroom Philosopher’s Wagga Wagga Gig Report for February 15th 2005.

“I was flying Rex to Wagga! At the Rex International airport lounge, I noticed a Simpsons arcade game with faded sprites and tinny mid 90’s sound bites. I love this game. After sitting for ten minutes staring into space convincing myself that it wasn’t worth $2. I caved like a house of oil soaked cards and played it. I was homer. I went pretty crap. I swear those machines have ‘difficulty’ settings that can be adjusted, for sometimes I go so much better than others. Unless, I, personally have an ‘aptitude setting’ based on how much sleep I’ve had and whether I’ve eaten recently. Maybe both the machine and I have oscillating personal settings. And if everyone in the whole world has similar settings, then no wonder each day gets a bit harder to predict.

I lost a whole life because I thought they’d announced my flight and I ran over to check and when I came back a yawning homer was getting kicked around my some agent guys in suits. The whole situation depressed me a lot at 8:30am.

The rex plane is smaller than the ones to Tasmania. Three seats across. But they had sheepskin wool covers. I didn’t have to sit next to anyone, which I loved. I find being in such a close proximity to a stranger un-nerving. Notwithstanding (god I’ve been hanging out to use that word), once, I was leaving for Tasmania and a boy my own age sat next to me and started weeping. (nothing to do with my appearance, hopefully) I found it quite beautiful. He was reading a card and clearly leaving someone important. I like it when other boys cry in public. It doesn’t happen often enough.

I got to wagga and things happened. I was driven to a hotel. I felt nice. I got there and then left again in search of opshops. I’d been salivating for a few days at the thought of revisiting the scene where I bought my favouritist ever cardigan a few years ago. Country opshops are often ripe, moist, fertile, breeding grounds of art-house funktrash uniforms. Not today really. Clothes wise I was let down. I bought the afformentioned ‘captain hat’ with yellow embroidery on the peak. I also picked up Disney’s Herbie to own on Beta! I’d never seen a beta before. And a kid called ‘Damien Lord’s’ folder with all his certificates and school reports in it. From what I could fathom he was a bit of a turd. Played a lot of sport and didn’t co-operate in class. I almost bought it, but would have felt a little too unwholsome owning it.

But my ‘find of 2005’ and easily nestling into my ‘top 50 op shop finds of all time’ list with a musty old bullet would be ‘Cookie, by Syd Heylen’ the album! On the front is a picture of Cookie with a sailing hat on for some reason. And on the back is Cookie looking more at home in his Country Practice’s chef’s hat, pointing at the fry pan and looking at the camera with a kind of cheeky, bemused ‘can you believe this’ look on his face! I have decided it is the happiest thing I’ve ever seen, that particular picture. And am going to blu-tak it to my wall and challenge myself whenever I’m feeling morose to stare at cheeky cookie and not feel better about the world.

It has 12 tracks, including ‘Gotta Be Doin’ Something Right’ (an ironic title really, on this now deleted, one-off missive of hastily rendered obscure country covers) which is the only one penned by Heylen himself! He is listed in the album notes as playing ‘ukelele.’ I haven’t listened to it yet and there’s not much more to tell you really!

I also bought a ‘star wheel’ from ABC’s science show Qantam. It is the size of a record and you turn the wheel and it tells what stars are what. My nan is really fascinated with the planets so I’m saving it for Christmas.

I ordered lunch at a café. A foccacia with ham, banana, onion, cheese and relish! Sounded intriguing. Then, they forgot my order, I went in, she apologised and gave it to me for free and I felt like I’d polished a mirror and hugged a china man. She said ‘it’ll be the best tasting lunch you’ve ever had because you’re getting it for free!’ and I said ‘look you idiot just get out of my face and stop hassling me.’ Then a guy having a smoke noted my glass coke bottle and spoke for a while about the benefits to collecting bottles and cans. He found a glass fanta bottle at the tip. I said ‘stop talking to me you moron.’ And he left.

Shop. Icecream. Ducks. Air. Walking. War memorial. Keys. Nap. Strum. Smoke. Wait. Palpitations. Drink. Apple Juice. Toilet. Sit. Harry Potter. Strum. Mirror. Phone. Car.

At one point I got a phone call from the guy who booked me and he said this exact sentence ‘we’re just waiting for the van with the hypnotist in it.’

I was playing at 8:30pm at a Charles Sturt University O-Week extravaganza. They get very big turn outs for these things because I guess there’s not much else on. Sound check went fine, and I did my usual warm-up routine of eating bad chips and getting bowel trouble and smoking outside trying desperately not to look out of place or too self-conscious.

Gig went alright.

Afterwards, there was a professional stage hypnotist on! Apparently, this was his third year he had appeared. I personally, had never seen a hypnotist in person and I suppose my little Tasmanian jury was still out on the authenticity of the profession as a psychologically palpable form of entertainment. They guy was very Sydney. Black suit. Short hair. Off we go. Polished. To the point. Instantly connecting with the audience. Curt. Business like. Occaisonal joke. Everything my gig wasn’t, as it happens.

He got volunteers up on stage. Did the whole ‘hypnotist’ thing. Put ‘em to sleep.

Meanwhile, I was lurking off to the side of the stage in a clearing near a table with my mailing list and a couple of albums on it drinking Smirnoff vodka cans and hating everyone.

My first observation about the people being hypnotised, was that after they had done something ‘really silly’ and he had put them back to sleep, they would be very still. I figured, that if you were on stage on not in the zone, and infront of mates, it would be virtually impossible not to jiggle around or chuckle.

I also noted that when he made the men ‘sleep’ he would barely touch them, but with the women he would reach his arm right around them – as if unable to find their off switch.

He took them through the usual fare. You are very cold. You are very scared. You are milking a cow. You are a cow being milked.

I left downstairs for a smoke, secretly hoping that people would steal the two albums that I’d left on the table and write ridiculous things and made up emails in my mailing list. I asked the security guy if I could sneak out the door near the toilets he was manning and have a ciggie.
‘Need to get away from all the common people?’ he said
‘Yes. I said’ Going along with that sort of thing.
He turned out to be part of the theatre society, and easily the best person I’d encountered so far. He told me stories about agriculture students calling him poof, while part of the agriculture departments o-week festivities involves a bunch of blokes getting nude and climbing in a big trough full of horse manure.
I rolled him a cigarette and watched as drunken girls came downstairs screeching about a lost leprechaun. And he’d whisper something in his headphone speakerette and giggle.

Upstairs, things were hotting up in the hypnotism stakes. They guy was now basically saying ‘my hand is a huge big turn on, ‘ and shaking hands with girls. They would then moan and orgasm dramatically. He would then be saying ‘it’s now 10 times better, it’s now 20 times better.’ Girls were going wild. One time, he tried to walk away, and was dragging a girl across stage, because she wouldn’t let go of his hand, ‘Just a little bit more, just a little bit more’ she’d be saying. Then, the guy turned to the crowd and said ‘I could do this all f#$kin night!’

Everyone was laughing. And lots of guys were saying ‘he’s in the right job’ like statements. I found it disturbing and confronting. If hypnotism works, then how is that not sexual abuse? I think it incites rape, at the very least.

THEN – later on, a girl had sort of wandered off backstage, and was sitting on the couch in what can only be described as a ‘half hypnotised state.’ She was looking vague and concerned and slapping her forehead sporadically. Her friend was trying to get the hypnotists attention, and at one point he swung down, had a few words, then got back up on stage and urged someone into a Britney spears impression.

I was comforted to learn, in conversation with the hypnotist later, that he had been performing for about two years and had done a four day course in Vegas.

After the show I couldn’t get back stage because the hypnotist was in ‘private session’ with the girl. He emerged beaming, saying she was ‘better now than before she went in.’

I sold one album to a very nice chap who had heard i’m so postmodern while sitting on his couch at home and had ran to an ATM just to get the money. One album got stolen. My mailing list contained:

Name: God
Email: Pray
Last time you cried: Take it as it comes.

The guy who booked us was lovely. His passing words were don’t drink all the mini bar, but glue the furniture to the roof if you must.

We went back to the hotel. I cracked a mini fridge beer and sat outside in the carpark having a smoke. There was a cat lurking beneath a car. One of those multicoloured tortishell jobs. At first it was hesitant, but once I held out my hand for it to sniff, as a sign of non-aggression, it started crawling all over me. It had a really snotty nose, and would bustle it’s head into my trouser legs and leave little wet patches. I didn’t mind. I enjoyed the company.

THE END

PS The next morning I had a 6:45am flight. I got a hand written ticket.

————————————————————————–

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Simon – Reading Richard E Grant’s film memoirs *recommended*
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

————————————————————————–

**********************************************************************
IMPORTANT

The information you picked up at Salvos is for the use of the intended
recipient only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged
turnips. Any review, re-transmission, disclosure dissemination trampoline
farming, egg fossicking, or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, or playing a game of uno with, this information by persons or ABC newsreaders’s other than the intended recipient is naughty and may result in capital smacklets. If you have received this e-mail in error then please hold a wet rabbit over your toilet bowl until the frozen chips are light to touch or golden brown. Delete all copies of this transmission together with any emotional attachments.
This organisation accepts no bank cheques dated before the thirteenth
of every fertility cycle. Elbows in. Head straight. We do not accept
photocopies. 5c refund for this email in SA. This email was written by someone doing their best. If you receive this in a bad mood please don’t take it out on us. We appreciate that you have a lot on your plate.
**********************************************************************

————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 37
Thursday January 27th 2005
** Laughapoolooza musical comedy gala Kaliede Theatre this Friday, Saturday night**
Estimated Reading Time: 5:11
Word for the day: Midrovert. (When you are halfway between introverted and extroverted)

————————————————————————-

LAPTOPPING INFREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. How many people are signed up to LapTopping?
A. About 560

Q. How many people asked to be signed up to LapTopping?
A. About 45

Q. A lot of it seems like a lot of personal jokes, is that right?
A. No, not at all – and if they are then I’m the only one who gets them.

Q. But aren’t most of the people that write in for hap-hap-happy and the inanimate objects your friends?
A. Sometimes, but a lot of the time I have never met them personally.

Q. I’ve often thought about sending something in – but then I get really nervous and figure that it’s not funny enough. What do you suggest?
A. Don’t be silly. We appreciate everything. LapTopping has no pre-requisite of humour, believe me.

Q. What exactly does Bev do?
A. Handles incoming subscriptions, Proofreads, maintains a sense of zen.

Q. How?come?sometimes?the?email?comes?with?question?marks?inbetween?all the?spaces?in?the?words?
A. I have no idea. Sorry.

Q. How did you go in the Hottest 100?
A. I didn’t make it in.

Q. I voted.
A. Thankyou – but that’s not really a question.

Q. Oh, sorry….I voted?
A. Better.

Q. Oh damn, I’m sorry, I thought with your extensive email campaign you would have snuck in. What happened?
A. I’m not sure. I’m only small. Next year I am releasing an album of spoken word versions of Franz Ferdinand songs.

Q. Can you find out where you came?
A. I plan to.

Q. So how’s it all going…with the comedy and stuff…have you got a job over there yet…what do you do with your days? Have you got lots of gigs coming up?
A. Next.

Q. Are you in love with the moment?
A. Sort of. I try.

Q. What’s that?
A. Oh, probably toothpaste.

Q. Ewww

————————————————————————–

DIRECT TRANSCRIPT OF A CALL THAT WAS ACCIDENTALLY LEFT ON MY MOBILE PHONE A FEW DAYS AGO BY A GIRL

(muffled jungle disco beats in background)
Girl:…I’m so needing a three day weekend at the moment…I seem to be partying…I don’t want to be not partying…
Girl 2: You need to…
Girl: It’s something you gotta do…I also want a day off and a good night’s sleep…there’s no room for partying when you‘re working full time…I just end up getting really buggered or really sick of partyting…
Girl 2: I often…gets to the middle of the week and I…like on a Wednesday
Girl: yeah that’s a really good idea…it’s good talking to people who work too, you understand…people you talk to who don’t work they don’t understand…
Girl 2: Jo works crazy hours…
Girl: Who?
Girl 2: …She goes out and parties heaps…goes back home on a Sunday…
Girl: (obscured exclamation)
Girl: I work 5 days a week…I party one or 2 nights a week then I stop…I just don’t have the energy to do the stuff that I want to do…it’s summer so everyone’s out having fun…I’ve had so many opportunities to socialise…but if I wasn’t working then great, I’d be having a ball, but I wouldn’t have the money to do it…I’d spend $20 a week on alcohol when I was’t working…enough for a six pack and a…
(end of call)

——————————————————————————————-

LOOK AT THE HILARITY WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO BUY ONE OF MY ALBUMS

Email received 25/1/05:
“Hello there, how do i go about purchasing your CD, the one with the post modern song on it. Red Eye records looked at me vaguely, utopia records said try the ABC shop The ABC shop told me not to swear…. so i am at a loss! Please help me – Haemish”

———————————————————————————–

*********************************************************
LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
*********************************************************

*****
DEAD
*****

From Vanessa Berry, Sydney.

“The Shattering of “I’d Rather Be The Boss!

Mid-morning, mid-way through a summer stint of pretending she is over retirement age, Vanessa Berry shuffles her way into the kitchen. The kettle has already come to the boil four times. She flicks the switch then forgets about it and flicks the switch again and forgets about
it etc. Finally, she makes herself stand next to the kettle and wait. She is reusing a tea bag. This once seemed to her stingy and unpleasant, but her mother, her only visitor, is into teabag reuse,
and Vanessa finds mother’s ideas have began to lodge in her head tenaciously. Next she will begin to believe that sexual intercourse is an “ordeal”.

As she lowers the soggy teabag into “I’d Rather Be The Boss”, her shaking hands fail to grip properly. Everything falls to the lino, the mug shatters. Suddenly in pieces when it was once whole. Nowhere for it but the bin. “I’d Rather Be the Boss” had the boss desk on one side of it, all neat with an “Out To Lunch” sign on it. On the other side, a frazzled, neckless employee struggled amongst a pile of papers and a frenetically vibrating telephone. The papers read “Pay Now” and “Overdue”.
Loved and loving drinking vessel of Vanessa Berry, it shall be thirstily missed

Editor’s note: (just quietly, Vanessa is a brilliant writer and has a zine called ‘I am a camera’ www.vanessaberryworld.com

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

———————————————————————————–

HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the indielicious, Josh Earl of Melbourne.

5. When i ask a student to stop looking up mild pornography on the
computers and he says “me no speak a english me japaneseee” when he is chinese

4. when the student teachers ask me if I can log them in and me saying
that i cant (even though I probably could)

3. when it’s hot, like today, 32, shutting the library at lunch and
reading the paper for a whole hour whn it is usually our busiest

2. Telling kids to turn down their music on the computers if I dont like
it and choosing to ignore it if I do.

1. When kids get told off by their teachers, walking past them and
quietly telling them “You Got Served!” just like in the movies.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

———————————————————————————–

Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!

(From his new dotmatrix corduroy almanac ‘Spearmint Kerfuffle Sax’ available for one hour in Jopulary)

When
The
Tables
Have
Turned
And
The
Steaks
Are
High
Then
You
Must
Be
Eating
At
A
Revolving
Restaraunt

————————————————————————–

A GIGGLE OF GIGS

* LAUGHAPOOLOOZA! Musical Comedy Extravaganza!! $20/$18. 8pm Kaliede Theatre, Swanston Street! Finally! It’s here. The definitive line-up of next generation musical comedy superstars! Featuring Eddie Perfect (Best newcomer last MICF), Sista She (they are the future of everything), Tim Minchin (Cabaret brilliance), Elbowskin, Man Bites God, and the spectacular Josh Earl. And me.

* Jangle Gym. Tonight. Bar Open. 8:30pm $5. Featuring Gorgeous headlining, and a serious set from Scod from Tripod!

• Monday 7th Febuary. I’m doing a spot at the Local, St.Kilda. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel streets. $10.

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————————————

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Erin – When I made my friend miss her plane”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

————————————————————————————————

**********************************************************************
IMPORTANT

The Gandolf impersonation is transmitted is for the use of the intended
recipient only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged
limb flailing or cloak wearing. Any tom, dick, or harry or unwashed
barmat’s or mother’s obtuse woof, or faking of any traction in whiffwhiff
upon, this information by fantail wrappers or entities other than
the attending ballet graduates is prohibiwibble and may reheat in
a plastic cheesecloth. If you have received this cricket bat in
error then please take up a passion for herbs and send unused portion
to place of birth. Run a warm bath for all copies of this transmission
and marinate at 360 degrees. If delight persists then please call
131166 and tell our friendly staff what shade of lacquer you require
and the quantity of tins. If in doubt forge ahead with gay abandon.
Any failures or lost change in vending machines must be moulded
into chest pieces and hobby glued to the moving vehicle.
**********************************************************************

————————————————————————-
This issue of LapTopping is humbly dedicated to those suffering from the
Psunami.
————————————————————————-

LapTopping Issue 36
Tuesday January 4th 2005
** You can vote for ‘I’m So Post Modern’ in Triple J’s Hottest 100**
**Deadline January 21st! Read! Vote! Love!**
Estimated Reading Time: 7:24 (We appreciate that your eyes are itchy)

————————————————————————-

LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Malcolm Young (AC/DC) 52 Thursday!
Happy Brithday Rachel Friend (something) 35 Saturday!

————————————————————————-

ON THIS DAY IN GRADE SEVEN (A reading from my Grade seven diary)

Publisher’s Note: We regret to inform that Justin’s 1993 diary entries are
currently offline as he didn’t write anything in his diary until school
started. We apologise for any convenience.

————————————————————————-

BELATED CHRISTMAS BLESSING’S FROM BEV:

‘Hello sweeties! Well it’s all over now. I cooked for 14 people and hated every
minute of it! Oh I don’t mean that, but I’m glad it’s over. From the look of
the photos my bleary, sun bleached face had enough festivity to power a small
school. Take care everyone and please stay positive, or I’ll smack!’

NEW YEAR’S GREETINGS FROM KERRY THE METAPHYSICAL DRUMMER

Letter’s
To
The
Metaphysical
Editor:
Dear
God
Or
To
Whom
It
May
Concern,
What
The
Hell
Are
You
Doing?
Yours
Sincerely,
chief
wakadoo
monswiffet

————————————————————————-

JUSTIN SAYS:

“My dear , for a week before September 11 happened I was hidden
away on my Uncle Ken’s farm trying to write a full-length theatre script – a
comedy about the Australian music industry for my uni major writing project. I
remember sitting on the couch listening to radio reports feeling as down to
earth as a team of ‘Macguyver like’ miniature monkeys that had built a space
rocket out of a toilet roll and a coat hanger, miraculously achieving lift-off
only to be collected by a kid falling off his trampoline.

My fizzed up brain pavilion, having been solely dedicated to creating realistic
characters and weighty plot twists, felt the smack of concrete. How
insignigicant my characters were. How irrelevant my deadline was. How little
was me. And alive. And worried about diddly pooksbury. Me and my minature
monkey team could always build another miraculous toilet roll rocket, but this
kid had really, really, hurt himself.

I feel ths same now.

And somewhere, in my head, this play is taking place

Humourless hippy me: ‘who gives a sh*t about voting for your song in the
hottest 100 when 5 million people are displaced and homeless, not to mention
150, 000…’

Earnest arty me: Hey, I gave $10 to the red cross and I’ve been sitting all
numb-like infront of the T.V. I care. I love. I hurt. You’re just an
amalgamation of all my silly fears about what people think about me.

Humourless hippy me: Yeah maybe. Then why have you made me a girl? You
masoganist self centred…

Earest arty me: I don’t know. That is so not the point right now. I’m just
saying, that I’m trying my very best to be myself, recognise this tragedy, and
continue the brazen self-promotion of my own career that I’ve done for about 1
½ years now and not alienate anyone, especially not myself.

Annoying Sarcastic me: Yeah, well good luck with THAT.

Humourless hippy me/chilled out arty me: p*ss off!

Whimsical optimistic me: Look, before this gets out of hand…I just wanted to
say that I think now is as important-a time as ever to be high spirited and not
lose your hope marbles! Every single person on this earth is just as valid and
important as the next.

Passionate arty me: Well said.

Whimsical optimistic me: You are all infinitely beautiful. We are all doing our
best.

Assorted me’s: awwww.

Bewildered pessimistic me: You are such an idiot.

Passionate arty me: you love it knobwand

————————————————————————-

LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES

From
Tori Hodgman, Hobart.

SICK
It is with much sadness that I report the tragic, and premature death, of my
favourite pair of chocolate brown thongs (flip flops for those of you with
dirty minds who smirk at the word “thongs” or jandals for those of you from NZ
or fans of Greg Fleet).
It was a brilliant sunny Spring Hobart morning when I went to the dog beach
opposite my house with two mugs of green tea for a friend who had visited with
his incredibly large, and clumsy as it turns out, Weimorana “Fritz”. Little
did I know I wouldn’t leave the park with my trusty double plug summer
reliables. Could I have stopped the tragedy that ensued? I doubt it. Not a
drop of green tea was spilled when Fritz bowled me over but said footwear ended
up rammed up my clacker (where the other thong usually resides) and after some
extraction and screaming the said footpiece was declared dead at the scene.
Beyond repair. D-E-D Ded!

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

————————————————————————-

HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the cosmic whale-riding Caitlin Darroch, of Melbourne.

1. Getting the target word in The Age puzzle section

2. Watching Black Books repeats.

3. When theres smoked salmon in the fridge

4. A clean fish tank for my siamese fighting fish, miriam. If the finned one is
happy, i am happy.

5. Eating nutella on its own, (tastes just like the inside of a ferrero rocher).

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
alienation or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a
top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order
determined by Bev’s powerball numbers.)

————————————————————————-

————————————————————————-

A GIGGLE OF GIGS

* Hobart Comedy Festival. 5-22nd January. The Venue, Salamanca Place
Hobart. 8:30pm each night, not Sundays I think. $20ish (some nights are me, some nights it’s renegades of folk) Saturday14th is the big finale at the Casino. Saturday 22nd is my own solo show ‘In Bed With My Doona’ at 10:15pm. $20 as well. (There’ll be a package deal)

* Renegades of Folk. Monday 24th January. The Local, St Kilda. $5.

* The Jangle Gym (ASA’s songwriter’s showcase) Australia Day. Bar Open,
Brunswick st. Fitzroy. 8pm onwards. I’m MCing, Gorgeous headlining and Scod
from Tripod playing! $5

————————————————————————-

HOW YOU CAN VOTE FOR ‘I’m So Post Modern’ In Triple J’s Hottest 100.

http://abc.net.au/triplej/hottest100/vote/default.htm
or SMS 191 555

Warm-up steps:

Step 1 – Have a think about things
Step 2 – Take a deep breath.
Step 3 – Breathe out slowly through your bum.
Step 4 – Repent.

Options!
Option A – Vote Online in a fairly complicated manner.
Option B – Vote via SMS in an easy but slightly pricey manner.
Option C – Allow Justin to vote online for you in a slightly illegal and
ridiculous manner.
Option D – Blow the whole thing and go down to the shops.

Option A –

Step 1 – Go to this website:
http://abc.net.au/triplej/hottest100/vote/default.htm
You have to register this year to vote. If you have already registered and can
remember your ABC login name and stuff, then great. If not, you can be reminded
by the powers that be.
Step 2 – You can vote for up to 10 different songs. But that’s it. You can’t
vote for my song more than once. You can probably ONLY vote for my song and no
other ones, but I’m sure some others would like to win too, give them a go.

Option B

Step 1 – Same rules apply. But you write the SONG TITLE ONLY and text it to
this number. If I get in I will seriously reimburse you the costs.

Option C

Step 1 – If you would like to vote for I’m So Post Modern but can’t be stuffed
with all this registering rigmarole, then why not email me, and give me
permission to register, and vote FOR YOU, simply using your email address and
details and stuff. It will still be you that wins the prizepack, etc. but I do
all the work! If anyone from Triple J is reading this then I’m only doing what
Alex Lloyd told me.
Step 2 – Feel a bit dodgy.

Option D
Step 1 – Click ‘next’ or ‘delete’ (after having a liberating guffaw at my witty
textfunk) Step 2 – think to yourself ‘good luck Just, but quite frankly
spending precious minutes helping give you a small boost up to the next level
of your career is sitting comfortably at 907 with a bullet on my hot list.’
Step 3 – Forget all about this.
Step 4 – Glance at an aimless travelogue from someone you went to school with.
Step 5 – Go down to the shops and flick through reduced pearl jam CD’s.

If I get in, party at my place, if not, I’ll serve you at the bowling alley.
Thanks in advance.

————————————————————————-

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Alison – When my hairdresser died”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at
home”

————————————————————————-

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The
Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email
your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

————————————————————————-

****************************************************************
CAPTAIN IMPORTANT

Grug’s sidekick is transmitted for the spouse of the impenetrable fortress of
the new price is right’s game format only and spray contain confidential and/or
seagull compatible t-shirt formatting. Any repotting, re-forming, polly-wolly
dooodle dissemination or other assorted naughtiness of, or raking of bert’s
laksa mobile in 13 polygon tatoos upon, this disco putty by crowd controllers
or limpit sharks other than dr yillet’s flailing volcano market subsidiary or
intended resiliant is prohibiwibble and may result in larry emdur’s poached egg
idea. When typing LapTopping cast and crew choose to pause and check the pimple
on their upper lip. Remember, two wrongs don’t make a
wrongwrong…actually…certain portions of LapTopping not affecting the outcome
have been hoodwinked into an intersteller mushroom pixeltruck
****************************************************************

LOVE

————————————————————————–
“When things need dropping. Read LapTopping!”
————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 35
Monday 13th December 2004
** Bedroom Philosopher Triple J OzMusicShow interview tonight (Monday) between 9-11pm. JJJ FM**
Estimated Reading Time: 8:02
(The LapTopping team recognises that you are very busy and this week has just been mad)

————————————————————————–

LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Don Johnson 55 on Wednesday!

————————————————————————–

, , and welcome to another issue of the organic lasertreat LapTopping! It is from the sincerest, most humblest subsection of the lunchbox of my heart that I thank each and every one of you who took a moment from your cherished, undulating, reflexive lives and voted for my folk comedy song ‘I’m so postmodern’ in Triple J’s net 50. On the last show of the year it reached:

49 with a bullet (a blank one)
Some bands I pipped include Radiohead, The Flaming Lips, U2, Pink Floyd, Dr Alban, Beatles, Nirvana, Mozart and the Tenorhorns.

Democracy can work. I love you all unconditionally*

————————————————————————–

“ALL THAT ADVERTISING SPOILS CHRISTMAS”
Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $20 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!) [email protected]

————————————————————————–

ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“Silly day. I really like sarah. She never lets on who she likes though. Came home, watched cricket. Australia cained. Spent night quiet. Okay.”

————————————————————————–

TOP 5 WORST JOKES OF ALL TIME

Q. What’s hot, has 10 sides and looks like the queen?
A. A fifty cent piece that’s been dropped in a toaster

Q. How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Well how about we just wait till one blows and then we’ll probably be able to answer that one.

Q. Why did the Beatles break up?
A. A fridge hit them

Q. What’s the difference between the year 1963 and a carrot?
A. One’s full of hippies and the other is a hip vegetable

Q. What do you get if you cross elle macpherson and a rhododendron?
A. A Med-large shrub that flowers in spring and can release its own range of potting mix.

————————————————————————–

PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

THIS WAS THE DREAM: “I’m hanging out with a guy I don’t really know and we’re going to some kind of outdoor audition for a porn film. A few of us are lined up, and the director is just looking at people, seeing who he wants. Suddenly I realise I’m wearing a really baggy grey woollen jumper. I start to take it off, but the director already looks at me and says ‘sorry mate.”

BEST ANALYSIS: From Matt Sertori, Hobart, Tasmania.

“well its obvious u r massively repressed sexually. the grey jumper of love is symbolic about how awkward u feel about sex. the fact there is only a guys voice in the porn dream reveals a disturbing undercurrent of latent homosexuality. catholicism has ruined forever any chance of u freeing youself from your sexual repression – your dream is full of catholic symbolism. your dream demonstates that u use humour to mask your feelings of awkwardness and not fitting in. in the dream the humourous image of you in the grey jumper says hey look I am massively uncomfortable with sex so I will never get a proper job and spend my whole life avoiding confronting my demons by becoming a comic (or in this case a porn star). In short in the dream ur like the court jester, trying to get a laugh (in an awkward surreal but slighly aussie way) as a means of avoiding facing up to certain disturbing undercurrents from your childhood which are tied up with your abandonment issues. was it your father’s voice (Its ok to cry, its ok to cry brave little man.)”

*********************************************************************************************
LAPTOPPING ‘CHRISTMAS IS A FLAMING BALL OF NERVES’ WISHLIST
************************************************************************
*********************
Gift ideas?
Why not purchase any of the following items
1 – Voiceworks Magazine www.expressmedia.org.au (grotesque issue out now)
2 – Going Down Swinging Book and CD www.goingdownswinging.org.au (issue 22) (contains ‘folkstar)
3 – Wordjammin’ Spoken Word CD (I’m so postmodern is on it…)
4 – Sean M Whelan ‘Love is the new hate’ (completely brilliant) email [email protected]
5 – Tug Dumbly’s albums ‘junk culture lullabies’ & ‘idiot savant’ (go on!)
6 – Sub-Urban Poems by Lynda Hawryluk (She’s fabulous)
7 – A breadmaker you’ll never use.
************************************************************************

CONFESS FOR CHRISTMAS!
My good friends Matt and Telia recently created a theatre show with a ‘sin book’ where you could write your sins! It was fun. Now you can do it online! Go to the website, click on father dick and post anonomously, or read others. Whether you are religious or not, it’s very cleansing.

e.g. ‘If my parents didn’t give me money for a bubblo bill I used to go to the closest church and steal it out of the poor box.’
‘i used to put my dirty undies on my cat’s head just to see her walk backwards. If i still had a cat, i would still do this. it still makes me giggle a lot.’
‘when i was young i secretly wished i would get cancer so i could go to camp quality because grass skiing looked cool.
‘One time my grandmother got up from her chair and I smelled the cushions.’
http://pennymachinations.blogspot.com/ ************************************************************************

The stunningly generous Verity has this tip for Melbourners –
“I have been online this morning looking for a live Xmas tree to buy this year… and I found this excellent site, that people in Melbourne should see. I think it is very reasonably priced at $38/$35 – and that $28 goes to Oxfam! The trees are delivered direct to your door by volunteers.
http://aid.theplant.com.au/”
*********************
*********************************************************************************************

Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!

Moment
Yes
Momet
No
Mome
French
Mom
American
Mo
Simpsons
M
007
————————————————————————–
HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the categorically delightful Kate Mcgregor, of Melbourne.

1. Sunshine (the rays, not the melbourne suburb)
2. Glitter and plenty of it
3. Dunking biscuits in my tea
4. Tintin books
5. My cat, Elektra

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————–

STORYTIME (Brought to you by the Nicoleen Ferntrasket foundation – the inventor of the wheelchair unicycle)

BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER GIG ROUND-UP (continued)

October 3rd “This Is Not Art Festival – Plover Idol Finals, Newcastle”

Plover idol is named after ‘dual plover,’ an edgy, renegade, techno noise punk indie record label somewhere hard to find. For my heat, in a massive, echoey warehouse with the acoustics of a Tasmanian glow-worm cave, where subtle lyrics would be eaten whole, I decided that acoustic covers of Here’s Johnny and Rockafella Skank would get me over the line. They did. The ‘nasty’ judge told me it was cheap to poke fun at electronic music. I screamed at him, saying it was a tribute. He told me to shut up, so I stormed off stage.

I got a secret text message, telling me where to go for my soundcheck for the finals. I was the only performer there. I played ‘my nan really likes radiohead’ as a soundcheck song. One of the judges was sitting on a couch and he said ‘you could at least tune your fu$%in’ guitar.’

I left to watch my friends in a poetry slam. Swerve the organiser, gave me a secret phonecall to tell me to get there soon. I was going to walk, but my friend Hugh was getting a taxi anyway, so I got in with him and he didn’t make me pay. Thanks Hugh. I think that was a non-sequitor. What is a non-sequitor. The name of my first Spanish child.

I arrived at the pub to find a band called Train screaming, exorscising their guitars and trying to push the amplifiers off the stage. The lead singer, who was topless and bloodstained gave me a hug afterwards, saying he enjoyed my heat. I then heard reports of some of the earlier acts, which mainly involved exorscising, screaming, and one guy who went around wiping fake blood on people.

The act before me was a girl called Lt Col Spastic Howitzer did an all tapdancing, all singing routine remixing 1940’s swing songs with obscure lyrics and beats. The packed out audience adored her. The ‘tune your guitar’ judge said he was in love with her and that she’d won already.

I opened with ‘Megan The Vegan,’ a song about a girl I lived with in Sydney who I didn’t get along with. In the song, I refer to the music posse she was a member of ‘systems corrupt.’ As many members of the posse were in the crowd, the second I mentioned them, people went beresque! It turns out, the ‘nasty judge’ was actually Megan’s ex boyfriend, who was going out with her while I was in the house. He would later tell me the song had blown him away, and when I was living in the house he thought I was some quiet boring nerd. Megan was currently in L.A. doing some fashion thing.

I then played I’m so Postmodern, which went pretty well, but not as well as megan. I closed with an acoustic version of ‘come to daddy’ by aphex twin. I started out playing it like a happy folk singer, then dissolved into hardcoreness and strummed like a jackhammer and roared with a relentless cannon of rage and despair from my vaults of high school emotion. They liked this. I screamed so hard my glasses fell off.

It was down to Spastic howitzer and me. The prize was $1000 of Cd reproduction. I was about to release an album. Spastic howitzer, who’s name was anna, said even if she’d won she’d give me the prize, but for the purposes of the dramatic tension of this story, I didn’t believe her.

A girl with blonde hair kept trying to cuddle me..She’d sit sort of on my leg then urge me to sit down. She seemed very playful yet detached. I wasn’t very attracted to her. I wasn’t sure how to act. After a while she said I reminded her of her dad. I am such a stud.

The judges were arguing and fighting with the crowd. Some ‘bonus act’ got on stage and started screaming. The crowd were restless and about to smash something. The ‘tune your guitar’ judge demanded that spastic howitzer won and that he wanted to kiss her feet. Then it happened:

The crowd started chanting ‘bedroom, bedroom, bedroom.’

Fast forward 140 seconds.

I won!

I got on stage and did a brief acceptance interpretive dance, and then sat cross legged in the corner feeling like phar-lap. I got a ‘touchdown’ from one judge, while ‘tune your guitar’ had his head in his hands.

I got to do an encore. As there were suddenly a lot of technical difficulties, I walked into the middle of the crowd. Stood on a table, gave an acceptance speech that incorporated my story of running around a sprinkler nude at crèche and played ‘everybody’s got the same insecurities as you’ as earnestly as I could. The crowd were hushed. I stepped down and on my way out and held out my hands so people could touch them. Some electro goth girls started tugging at my pyjama pants, half pulling them off. I pulled them back up, then lay down on the ground as more electrogoth girls scrambled over me.
‘Teat me apart. Go on. Tear me apart.’ I screamed.
‘I hate myself!’

Later on. I took my trophy and guitar back to the backpackers. Then I couldn’t find anyone. So I went to the servo and ate a pie.

DEDICATED TO NADIA BAILEY
————————————————————————————————

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Claire – This morning @ the int. arrivals gate @ the airport”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $20 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]

————————————————————————————————

**********************************************************************
IMPORTANT

The information transmitted is for the use of the intended recipient
only and may contain confidential and/or/either/also/nevertheless/actually/no
don’t worry/yeah totally/is that right?/she said she didn’t like
him/what a hypocrite/she was just trying to get him back/all that
stuff about jeremy’s cake/yeah the one she made for the party/did
you hear her?/someone’s got to say something/nah forget it I’m not
crawling/I’m not a crawler/hey what’s on that sandwhich?/yum/ legally
privileged material. Any review, re-transmission, disclosure dissemination
or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, this
information by persons or dynamic bullfrog children other than the
intended recipient is prohibited and may result in churches of mass
destraction. This email can be redeemed for 5c and a crate of empty
sauce bottles in SA. Please don’t mention the war in Woy Woy.
**********************************************************************

* Editors wish to express unconditional love is not only reserved for those who vote in internet radio polls.

————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 34
Friday 19th Novemer 2004
** Last B.P. Melbourne Show This Year + Gnet Phifty **
Estimated Reading Time: 4:52
(Approximately the amount of time the cat watches you for after you’ve put food in its bowl and before it starts eating it)

————————————————————————–

LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Jodie Foster 42 today!
Happy Birthday Anna Cleary 22 Sunday (Bev’s daughter)

————————————————————————–
INTERNATIONAL SELF PROMOTION WEEK

‘I’m So Postmodern’ is now in the Net 50 list! (Not in the Top 50…yet) It may only be there for one or two weeks. Please vote for it now. They are listed alphabetically by song titles.
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/net50/default.htm
Note: 1 – You DON’T have to put your name and address in. 2 – You can vote more than once for the same song.
Ultra deluxe hugs to everyone who voted last issue. Histroy will remember you.
(histroy is my Egyptian spirit guide that manages the gratitude levels towards my friends, and hates spelling the word history)
————————————————————————–

On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“Made sausage rolls in cooking. Mine were the best in the class! Came home. Bought Nick’s birfty present (music sheets). Went over. Had Bigfoot for tea. We played computer. Stayed up late. See ya.”

————————————————————————–

TOP 10 POSSIBLE TITLES FOR THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S NEXT MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL COMEDY FESTIVAL SHOW

1 – Sex, Hugs and Sausage Rolls
2 – Folklahoma!
3 – Wind In The Pillows (Bev’s favourite)
4 – Celibacy In The Country
5 – No Sex Please, I’m Tasmanian
6 – I Am The New Black
7 – A Gut-Busting Show Of Staggering Genius
8 – Sleepless In Tasmania
9 – Only Folking! (Bev’s least favourite)
10 – How To Lose $3000 In 24 Days
11 – Arse-About
12 – Cruskits! Cruskits! Cruskits!
13 – The Semi-Mental Bloke
14 – Tasmaniac!
15 – Not Without My Glasses

(We welcome your suggestions and preferences, tho I’m going with number 1)

————————————————————————–

PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

“I’m hanging out with a guy I don’t really know and we’re going to some kind of outdoor audition for a porn film. I think it’s in the courtyard of the block of flats where I lived in Tasmania. A few of us are lined up, and the director is just looking at people, seeing who he wants. Suddenly I realise I’m wearing a really baggy grey woollen jumper. I start to take it off, but the director already looks at me and says ‘sorry mate.’ I wake up thinking this is the opposite of the ‘naked at school’ dream.”

————————————————————————-

LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES

From Philip Arkinstall, Malaysia.

SICK, DECEASED & RECOVERED

Dear Justin Heazlewood ( I assume),

Got a wiff of your adress from a friend who had heard my inanimate object bereavement story and thinks someone might like it. I returned home to KL ,Malaysia last week and was greeted with series of teapot disasters that unravelled the zenlike wrapping I have been cultivating during years of music performances.
Next, I move to a cave. My sheets were mouldy so into the machine they went. This machine blew up and powered down my flat. Torch batteries flat.
Next morning gathered said sheets up walked across to laundry which turned out to be shut. Bike wouldnt start so got truck to the mechanic. Sat around for 6 hours until told to return tomoro. This little series followed one in Sydney, not one month to the day hence, where I happened to be bedridden with gastro in mum’s flat. Mum was recovering from a major operation and sleeping too. I awoke at 6 in the evening wondering how mum had managed to get up and cook a lamb roast and why on earth she would cook it for someone with gastro. That crackling did sound delicious though..oops. Not cooking but an exploded hot water tank flooding the whole apartment. The moon is watching all electric things in my vicinity. Run for the hills.

cheers , Phil

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————–

Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!

(From his new dotmatrix corduroy almanac ‘Spearmint Kerfuffle Sax’ available for one hour in Jopulary)

When
The
Tables
Have
Turned
And
The
Steaks
Are
High
Then
You
Must
Be
Eating
At
A
Revolving
Restaraunt

————————————————————————–

A GIGGLE OF GIGS

* LAUGHAPOOLOOZA! Musical Comedy Extravaganza!! $20/$18. 8pm Kaliede Theatre, Swanston Street! Finally! It’s here. The definitive line-up of next generation musical comedy superstars! Featuring Eddie Perfect (Best newcomer last MICF), Sista She (they are the future of everything), Tim Minchin (Cabaret brilliance), Elbowskin, Man Bites God, and the spectacular Josh Earl. And me.
* Jangle Gym. Tonight. Bar Open. 8:30pm $5. Featuring Gorgeous headlining, and a serious set from Scod from Tripod!
• Monday 7th Febuary. I’m doing a spot at the Local, St.Kilda. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel streets. $10.

————————————————————————–
STORYTIME

I’ve been overlooked for the National folk festival for the first time since 2003, possibly due to double booking myself with the Melbourne comedy festival this year, scraping together a compromise, then, for the first time in my life, missing my flight on the day and having to get a later one: (more reports next paragraph)

I then arrived just in time for a ‘Bob Dylan Song Competition’ in which you had to do a ‘version’ of any Bob Dylan song off the ‘Freewheelin’ EP.’ Having spent 0% of my time preparing for this, and having never listened to the album, I got up there, said I was going to focus on the silences between the tracks, and just played various ‘last chords’ from the songs and stood there, eyeballing hardcore bluegrass folkies ready to blast me with a paint ball gun, wrap me up in bells and throw me to the irish dancers.

I then said I was going to play a b-side from one of the singles from the album, and proceeded to hurl myself around the stage playing the harmonica sort of like a dragon would play an asthma puffer…frightening small children and alienating the middle aged in the process. I didn’t win, but didn’t come last. One woman in the crowd said I was embodying the freewheelin’ spirit of the 60’s, which I completely agreed with. Festival organiser, Graham Macdonald said ‘how are you enjoying the festival?’ then walked off, which I also, completely agreed with.

** Don’t forget to vote for ‘I’m So Postmodern’ on Triple J -**
**Don’t forget to look in the mirror and go ‘hey spunklord, tidy assets’**
————————————————————————–

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Beth – When I heard a pretty song”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

**********************************************************************
IMPORTANT

This information is transmitted for the intention of the um…recipient….hang
on..that doesn’t look right….hey Tony….excuse me…sorry…I was just
wondering…well….like….why do we have this message….if….i mean…if
you are sent this email..then…doesn’t that make you the intended
recipient? Yeah…..oh….okay….because of viruses…and……yeah..i just
thought that….hmmm……okay….yep…..sure….no worries….. If you have
received this email in error then….hmmm…..aaah….tony…..yeah sorry
to bother you mate….i was just ….well…this one about receiving the
email in error….well….how would you know if you’ve been sent it
in error if it’s in your inbox?….yeah…..no, but ho…..wha…..hmmm…….yeah…..oh
okay….so if if made no sense to you….or if your name wasn’t on…..yeah…..right….it’
s a bit like that warning for pirated videos isn’t it…you know the
one…..have you got what you paid….yeah that one….no?……oh fair
enough…..i just thought cos……how are you supposed to know whether
you’ve received…..yeah, yeah I kno
w cos your name’s not on the……but anyway….just thought it was interesting…..how
was the footy on the weekend….did you go?
**********************************************************************

————————————————————————–

LapTopping Issue 33
**Request ‘I’m so Postmodern’ on Triple J! Yay!**
Thursday 11th Novemer 2004
Estimated Reading Time: 7:24
(Approximately the amount of time that conversation about mobile phone plans dragged out for)

————————————————————————–

LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Demi Moore 43 today!
Happy Birthday Bruce Samazan 34 Saturday!

————————————————————————–

On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

“Made small cakes in cooking. Sarah talked to me again. Bianca must like me. Had inter high training then went to pool. Yo.”

————————————————————————–

DAMN POP UP ADS!

Hola , gee your looks fabulous today!

Triple J have inserted ‘I’m So Postmodern’ into a (direct quote from Richard Kingsmill) ‘lite rotation – arvos/nights/weekends’ This is good. Here is what you darling can do to assist the song making it into the hottest 100 and me having a big LapTopping party with hot wedges and invites and Tasmanian beer.

HOW TO REQUEST “I’m So Postmodern” by The Bedroom Philosopher

Step 1 – Have a drink of Lucozade (optional).

Step 2 – Think about the day a bit. How’s it going?

Step 3 – Text Super requests on 0427222555 (or ring 1800 055536 after 6pm)

Step 4 – Do a super request at: http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/requests/make_a_request.htm

Step 5 – Do a net 50 request at (it won’t be in the list but there’s fields down the bottom for dark horses) http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/net50/default.htm

Step 6 – Flex your fingers

Step 7 – Give yourself a hickey, thankyou!

(ps if you don’t care about me or the song, that’s okay, I suggest you visit www.fake-sincerity.com.au and vote anyway)
Note: be careful not to accidentally request Kerry’s new single ‘shedslammer collapet $ byyytch’ as it goes for 13, 000 trimesters and doesn’t exist yet!

————————————————————————–

TOP 5 NOT RECOMMENDED CONVERSATION STARTERS ON A THIRD DATE

1 – “Do you ever have morbid dreams about your family that haunt you for the rest of the day?”

2 – “God it smells like cat piddle in here, doesn’t it?”

3 – “Last night I couldn’t sleep and in the cataclysmic morphing of images I saw a pregnant jelly bean speed skating along the hairline of a grumpy clown.”

4 – “Can I feel behind your knee?”

5 – “Have I got any boogies on my face?”

————————————————————————–

LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES

DECEASED
****
Craig Wellington, Hobart.

“I regret the washing machine at 73 Forest Road West Hobart has passed on. It went from being A O K one minute to only partially filling with water then stopping the next. Now it won’t do anything at all. I rang the Fisher and Paykel 1300 number from the yellow pages and spoke to the nice man in the call centre in New Deli who put me through to the grumpy man at the call centre in New Deli. A week later Chris from the Hobart office rang (“It’s not really an office, it’s just kind of me and my van.”)

Upon inspection he informed me in a somber, take a seat, this is for real manner that it will cost more to repair than to replace. My loyalty is to the old machine, but economic reality is going to see it replaced. We will instead add it to the increasing line-up of fondly remembered washing machines on our front balcony or give it a home under the house next to my nan’s old twin-tub.”

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: [email protected]

————————————————————————–

HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the shimmeringly adept Kate McGregor of Melbourne.

1. Sunshine (the rays, not the melbourne suburb)
2. Glitter and plenty of it
3. Dunking biscuits in my tea
4. Tintin books
5. My cat, Elektra

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, alienation, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at [email protected] with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

————————————————————————–

Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!

Q.
What’s
long,
angry,
loud
and
when
pulled
st
both
ends
is
full
of
bad
jokes
and
trinkets?

A.
Bon
Bon
Scott

————————————————————————–

————————————————————————–

A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

(Have I mentioned that Stagetime and The Local are the two best comedy rooms in Melbourne? If you have an irrational fear of dick jokes and ‘how funny is it when you drive to the servo stoned’ humour, then relax, this is ‘new comedy’ (ie a lot of it doesn’t have any punchlines, but bear with us, we’re quirky and occasionally sexy…)

• Sunday 21st November. Launching the album at ‘Stagetime’ Bar Open, near Cnr of Johnson and Brunswick Streets. 5pm. $10/8.

* Monday 22nd November. Renegades of Folk third barn-raising gig. (We almost got into a fight with Tripod at the last gig…they said to josh ‘oh just cos you’ve got an offsider with glasses you think you own the world…’) That great lesbian comedian Sue-Anne Post is playing also! (not with us…but she’s welcome) The Local, cnr carlisle and chapel streets, St Kilda 8:30pm $10/5

* Wednesday 24th November. The Jangle Gym (The deluxe open mic gig I’ve started for the Australian Songwriting Association.) I’m MCing, Jess McAvoy is headlining, and Josh’s other band ‘The Plurals’ are playing! Bar Open, as above, 8:30pm $5

————————————————————————–

STORYTIME (brought to you by ‘Proof the Magic dragon’ an introduction to copy editing for under sevens)

THE MUSICIAN BEATERS

I’ve been at home eating tuna on Salada’s and blanking out in front of Futurama, trying to achieve a Zen like state of confusion after a recent tour. This assembly of gigs has seen my act be elegantly ignored in some of the eastern coast’s most acoustically well endowed of uni bar’s – none more so than at my own academic day care centre, University of Canberra.

If there was a University games for ‘Not Giving a Toss about the Music,’ then UC would have a trophy cabinet with enough gold to be the target of a third ‘City Slickers’ film. They strut in sandals with the self belief of an American relay team, and clutch their beers with the quiet confidence of an Australian cricketer. They are the unadorned champions – unassuming gods and goddesses to be at once feared and worshipped.

They are – The Musician Beaters.

In the ‘N.G.A.T.A.T.M Games’ glamour event, the Apathy Pentathlon, the UC team on the day dominated in all areas. The pentathlon consists of:

1 – The Back Sit. (Sitting with your back to the audience)
2 – The Two-Handed Unacknowledge (not clapping after a song)
3 – The Conversation Relay (Continually talking during the gig)
4 – The Readathon (Reading/texting the entire time, preferably right in front of the stage)
5 – The Stop, Lurk and Skip (Walk into the bar, act like nothing is there, and leave)
6 – The Reverse Back Sit (Sit facing the stage but acknowledge nothing)
7 – The Outdoor Marathon (Spend entire time sitting in beer garden, safely out of reach)

Despite the domination of UC, the competition is only as good as the musician. Like an intense boxing bout, it’s in the artist’s gallant attempts to forge a sense of self belief and maintain the same level of performance as he/she would for a full house of fans, that the depth of the university’s ignormentation can be tested.

They had me on the ropes early, easily flicking aside my attention raising trademarks of ‘Rockafella Skank’ and ‘Where’s Your Head At?’ played acoustically. I got a cheap shot in at the halfway mark, playing ‘I’m So Postmodern’ twice in a row and then asking, by round of applause whether people preferred it the first or second time. I was even unnerved enough to abort a comedy ‘bit’ I was going to do, and adopt the experimental introduction of: ‘lettuce, abortion, tractor, milo, placenta…’ soon realising that I could have set fire to myself only to be noticed when the fire brigade arrived.

I did win back some points on the buzzer, hoisting up the volume on my hip-hop dance floor smash ‘Folkstar,’ dancing around the tables and running into the beer garden screaming ‘folk is back motherf@#%ers’ This earnt me a begrudging cheer, and praise from the UCU booker that is was ‘the best response I’ve seen them give anyone in months.’

It was refreshing to be defeated by such dynamic professionals, and I look forward to bouncing back next year. Thank you UC.
————————————————————————–

LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

[email protected]

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Sally Braidwood – Sex in the city mon night – Sam has cancer!”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

————————————————————————–

Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $20 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
[email protected]
————————————————————————–

** Don’t forget to request ‘I’m So Postmodern’ on Triple J -**

****************************************************************
IMPORTANT

The girdle translucent suffers from weeping technicalities and is for the use of 1981 primary school dramatisations of Man about the House and may contain traces of milk, nog, spag, geek, paprika or tommy emmanuel’s glasses case and/or lickily split privileged material girls and/or women. Any relief, wishing, discolouration of the affected area, break dancing or mother’s cream, or raking of any illegally wood chipped track pants, unmentionable little guttersnipe reception boot lipped capital X’s, without prior turntabling from a mauve party, or member of a space library, upon, this blackened matchstick head should be dissolved in a small red centre adhesed with fare evading cracknephews, by persons or romulon’s other than the lotteries and gaming placenta of Terry smealasaurus the 5th rotation each pug must roll all her worming apparatus in to the third preview of each Paddington bear remake. Failure to reveal all your redeeming qualities by the end of the conversation may result in a low estimation of personality and subsequent report could end in a deep breath and the sentence ‘I’m just going to the loo’ something you usually don’t narrate.
****************************************************************